Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Real Housewives of Miami Episode 2 - "Black Ball'd"

Rich people with limp wrists eating food.

CRISTY RICE - Hey, it's me, Cristy Rice, former wife of former Los Angeles Clippers star Glen Rice. I'm here to drink for free and make sure Joe Francis sees my butt.

LEA BLACK - Well, I'm here to raise money for the starving children of Hialeah.

ALEXIA ECHEVARRIA - Who probably read Venue magazine. Or wish they could.

LEA BLACK - And you, Miss Rice, have done those children a great disservice by not paying the $25 entrance free to this event.

CRISTY RICE - What? You should be paying me to be here! Don't you know who I am?

ALEXIA ECHEVARRIA - You actually gave a pretty detailed description of who you are a second ago -

CRISTY RICE - Shuddup.

LEA BLACK - Look around you. We've got Gloria Estefan, Joe Francis's penis, Gov. Charlie Crist, Mike Tyson, Nat King Cole's daughter, and that rapper who looks like Mr. T.

ELSA, MARYSOL PATTON'S MOM - They all paid to be here.

CRISTY RICE - Oh, really? And did you pay, Elsa?

ELSA - No, I'm not a guest. I'm the freak side-show entertainer, appearing in the Fontainebleau lounge in twenty minutes.

MARYSOL PATTON - Mom, get back in your cage. **Elsa scurries away**

LARSA PIPPEN - Hey, it's me, Larsa Pippen, current wife of former NBA second banana Scottie Pippen.

CRISTY RICE - You look like hell. But, like, in a sexy, Lebanese way.

LARSA PIPPEN - I'm really stressed. My nanny made the rice too fluffy. AGAIN.

CRISTY RICE - Oh no! What did you do?

LARSA PIPPEN - The only thing I could do. Lock her in the bunker underneath my kids' swingset and hope no one ever finds her.

ADRIANA DE MOURA - Hey, it's me, Adriana De Moura, Brazilian lady who used to be married to a guy who was already married to someone else.

CRISTY RICE - Did you pay to be here?

ADRIANA DE MOURA - Of course. How are the lowly people of Hialeah supposed to buy Venue magazine without my contribution?

ALEXIA ECHEVARRIA - See? Herman Jr. can suck it.

ADRIANA DE MOURA - I can only stay for an hour, though. My son is waiting in the parking lot of a vacant Publix for me to pick him up.

MARYSOL PATTON - Hey, look! Erik Estrada's here!

LEA PATTON - He better fucking pay his $25.

MARYSON PATTON - Wait... that's actually a real police officer.

ADRIANA DE MOURA - **flirtatiously** Am I under arrest, officer?

POLICE OFFICER - Move aside, slut. We're looking for Joe Francis.

JOE FRANCIS - Oh no. I can't go back to that place. My anal muscles still haven't fully recovered.

POLICE OFFICER - Joe Francis, we've got to take you into the station.

JOE FRANCIS**takes silverware out of his pockets** Ok, you got me. This flatware was too beautiful to resist.

POLICE OFFICER - No, not because of that. An Iphone video you took of Marysol's mother undressing has hit the internet. People are dying out there.

JOE FRANCIS - Is that so? I really thought there was some kind of market for that.

LEA BLACK - You can't arrest him! He's my guest of honor! We're having a screening of Wives Gone Wild - Raunchy with Restylane after dessert!

POLICE OFFICER - Sorry, it's my job. But I'll reconsider if you'll give me five minutes alone with Gloria Estefan.

LEA BLACK - This is not a whore house! Ok, yes, it is. I'll pull some strings.

POLICE OFFICER - Thanks. I love this town.

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