Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Challenge: Cutthroat, Episode 2 - "Newbie Doobie Doo"

Abram's not the only Cutthroat cast member to have the lofty privilege of stuffing his hand down Cara Maria's pants.

TJ LAVIN - Welcome back to Bucharest, or wherever the hell we are. Your task for today is to hang upside until the blood rushes to your head, and then put your hand down Cara Maria's pants. 

DUNBAR - All of us? 

TJ LAVIN - Did I stutter, rage machine?  Ready, set, FINGER! 

CHET - But what if Cara Maria starts to develop feelings for me, but I know deep down I'm a homosexual and can't acknowledge it because of my Mormon faith? Can I vote her into the Gulag? 

MANDI - Sure, but it would make you the worst person on earth. Worse than Omarosa. 

ABRAM - We're still making Omarosa jokes? What is this, my season of Road Rules?

TJ LAVIN - Enough, guys. I'm starting to get disappointed in you. Now stuff those fingers down Cara Maria's pants. 

CARA MARIA - These are actually jeggings. I bedazzled a skull and cross bones on them. Totally punk rock, right? 

TJ LAVIN - Whatever. Ready, set, STUFF!

EASY E - Whoa. Is there a pool of blood collecting in my skull, or am I feeling some kind of furry woodland creature down there? 

LAUREL - Ew! Cara Maria doesn't exercise proper grooming! I'm going to keep talking about it to mentally break her down. I'm not drunk - just using psychological warfare.  

ABRAM - Wait... **whips out a furry woodland creature.** It actually is a furry woodland creature. What an amazing woman. 

CARA MARIA - Thanks. I find that my pants are a good place to store them. Never know when you might get hungry. **stuffs the furry woodland creature in her mouth.** 

ABRAM - I am so turned on right now. You. Me. Bathroom. After the challenge. 


TJ LAVIN - Yeah, cheap extensions? 

SHAUVON - This upside down stuff isn't going to work for me... My breasts have flopped down over my face, and it's obscuring my vision. 

TJ LAVIN - Sit this one out then, won't be anything new. In fact, all you biatches with fake breastesses are exempt. I know how awful those injuries can be... silicone seeping all around, getting caught up in your internal organs, skin all deflated and nasty... 

PAULA - Ok, we get it. I'm out. **sits next to Shauvon and Jenn** 

JD - TJ? I'm also pretty uncomfortable with this challenge. I've never put my hand down a woman's pants, and I sure as hell don't want to start with Cara Maria. 

TJ LAVIN - Ok, all you gay guys are exempt, too. 

JOHNNY BANANAS - **jumps down to join JD, Chet, and Luke.**  Phew. Peace out. 

PAULA - I knew it! I knew it! 

JOHNNY BANANAS - Huh? Oh, shit. I meant, uh, Cara Maria just isn't hot enough to deserve my hand down her pants. 

TJ LAVIN - Sure, dude. 

BRAD - Come to think of it, as much as I'm enjoying this challenge, I should bow out. In case I haven't mentioned it 600 times, I'm married. 

DERRICK - Me too. And I think another woodland creature is nibbling on my pinkie. Ouch. 

TJ LAVIN - Fine, pussies. All married people can jump down. 

MELINDA - **jumps down** Sweet.

TJ LAVIN - Where do you think you're going? 

MELINDA - The divorce isn't finalized yet. I still got another month with that Good Will Hunting knock-off. 

TJ LAVIN - So the only person left hanging upside down with his hand down Cara Maria's pants is Abram. How does it feel? 

ABRAM - Warm, and somewhat acidic, actually. 

CARA MARIA - I sit in a bucket of tomato juice every morning. 

ABRAM - Can this girl get any more wonderful? 

TJ LAVIN - Your prize for winning, Abram, is a souvenir pair of Cara Maria's "punk rock" underpants, complete with the fingerprints of the stars of Cutthroat. 

ABRAM - After I thoroughly snuggle and sniff, these babies are going on Ebay.

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