Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Challenge: Cutthroat - Episode 1

Abram returns to MTV with a new p**sy-magnet look, and plans to become the next Roald Dahl.

 T.J LAVIN - Hey, everybody, its me, American BMX rider T.J. Lavin, fresh from some radical reconstructive surgery and ready to get more involved in the show's drama than any host should ever be. Let's introduce ourselves, shall we?

DUNBAR - "Shall we"? What a frickin' pansy.

T.J LAVIN - Good to see that Dunbar's still dealing with intense anger issues. I'm disappointed in you, bro.

DUNBAR - Anger? Who's angry? I'm a southern belle, but the dude version (throws a rock at Paula's head).

PAULA WALNUTS - Ouch! It's ok, though... You're a guy, and I let guys get away with anything. Even ripping 25,000 dollars that I worked my ass off for from right under my nose. Kenny and Evan 4 eva!

JOHNNY - Don't forget about me. I stole that money from you, too. I know that Kenny and Evan are stronger, better-looking and get higher-quality poon than I do, but I deserve some recognition here.

KATIE - Lose the Jersey accent, fruit-name-I-can't-be-bothered-to-remember. You're from Fullerton, California.

TYLER - It's Bananas. Johnny Bananas. God, I love him so much. (does a series of high kicks).

CHET - Ew, you're gay? That's disgusting. I might vomit. Can I touch your peen? Pretty please?

DEREK - High five to being gay. That's all I'll really ever reveal about myself.

EMILEE - And that you're from Arizona. We had a lot of deep, meaningful talks in that Cancun house, like about where we're from and our favorite brand of vodka.

AIIIYA - And sometimes I cut myself and got blood on the communal sombrero. Good times.

ABRAM -  The children's book I penned addresses the issue of cutting and how sometimes it leaves stains, upsetting those who paid a lot for the now-stained item. (Whips his blond, shiny mane, and raises an eyebrow at the camera).

BRAD - Now that I'm all domesticated and shit, the fear of stained furniture really resonates with me.  The AeroBed I fell on after Darrell punched me in the face is gonna be hard to sell on Craigslist.

SHAUVON - Punched in the face? I want to up the ante and KILL somebody in the face!

LAUREL - Chill, girl. Your jiggly bits are in danger of deflating.

SARAH - I wish I had jiggly bits. Guess I'll have to make do with a hipster haircut and tattoos of birds. Gotta stand out somehow. 

TY - I like to stand out by exhibiting signs of 'roid rage. Worked for me in DC - lots o' camera time.

BRANDON - I heard that, only other black guy.

THERESA - Hey, I'm Puerto Rican. And being from Milwaukee, I win at the who's-more-disadvantaged game.

CAMILA - You being a hateful bitch has done a lot more damage to your life than just being from Wisconsin, ass fuck.

JENN - Whoa, can we watch the language here? I'm offended.

ERIC - Offended? Didn't you let Lesbian Rachel feast on your meal on national television?

JENN - I was experimenting!

DAN - You're the last person who should be calling someone out on eating, Easy E. 

ERIC - Who are you? I mean it. I've never seen this guy before in my life.

MELINDA - He was "drunk guy" on The Island, along with my fuck-face of an ex-husband.

CT - When you talk shit about someone from Boston, you're talkin' shit on EVERYONE from Boston!

MELINDA - Where the hell did you come from?

CT - Prison.

MELINDA - Thought so.

DERRICK - Can we get down to business, now? I'm a dad. I'm much too mature to participate in this childish mud-slinging.

TJ LAVIN - Sure, midget man.

DERRICK - Kill yourself, failure.

EDITOR'S NOTE - I could really go on with this forever, but I'd better quit while I'm ahead**.

**depends on your definition of "ahead"

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