Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 8 - "Divorced From Reality"


Dave even creeps out Destin, a guy who named his child "Sin".

PATTI STANGER - Ok, you guys are going to mingle, and I'm going to give cutting, hurtful criticism to your faces.

DAVE VROUBEL - **silent creepy stare** **silent creepy stare**

DOUG KEPANIS - Yeah, I agree with Dave! The ear piece idea was so much better.

PATTI STANGER - Listen, Jesse James, Esq., I don't need your opinion on how to run my business. My 2.5% success rate speaks for itself.

DAVE VROUBEL - **silent creepy stare** **silent creepy stare**

PATTI STANGER - Oh yeah? Right back at you, Larry David. This is Ilene.

ILENE - Hello. I'm a Great Neck nursery school teacher who lives with her parents, has never been on a train, and won't set foot in Grand Central Station even though it's a historic, celebrated Beaux Arts landmark.

PATTI STANGER - Hear that, guys? She's a true New Yorker.


ILENE - Oh, and I won't eat anything that isn't chicken fingers. Spaghetti's ok sometimes, but only if it's mixed in butter.

PATTI STANGER - Isn't she great? Only the finest Outer Borough and suburban women on my show that's supposed to be about New York City.

DAVE VROUBEL - **silent creepy stare** **silent creepy stare**

DOUG KEPANI - Is that so, Dave? So I guess we're all from Long Island. What a diverse and interesting group of people!

PATTI STANGER - You ain't seen nothin' yet. Meet Keren. She was in the Israeli army, so she's, like, a Super Jew!

KEREN - But that's not all... **takes off her clothes and salsa dances in a bikini**

PATTI STANGER - Do I know how to pick 'em or do I know how to pick 'em?

DAVE VROUBEL - **silent creepy stare** **silent creepy stare**

PATTI STANGER - I'm glad you asked, Dave. I think Ilene would be perfect for you. Ilene, Dave would like to take you to a market, where you can order all the pastries you desire, and then he'll take you to a fine restaurant that serves delicacies of the Far East!

ILENE - Are you fucking kidding me? That sounds like hell. **exits**

PATTI STANGER - That went well, don't you think? Doug, I think Keren is a good match for you.

DESTIN - She's the only one left.

PATTI STANGER - Shuddup, dude. Doug, Keren's what you would call "exotic", even though she's from the same cultural background as yourself.

DOUG KEPANI - Meaning, she's kinda brown?

PATTI STANGER - Right.

DOUG KEPANI - Sweet ass. Keren, would you mind stepping into this steel bucket of hot water I've put on the floor?

KEREN - You know what?  As tempting as that sounds, I better get back to the Israeli army. I don't want to pull a Natalie Portman. **exits**

PATTI STANGER - Well, there's always that horsey-faced chick in need of dental work. I could call her up for one of you.

**Doug and Dave run away**

PATTI STANGER - Maybe I should've taken my mother's advice and looked into taxidermy school...

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