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| Phaedra and Apollo emulate Medieval quartering horses with their infant. |
PETER THOMAS – I slave over a 30-minute Rachel Ray fish dish, and this is how you repay me? By talking to your friend on the phone?
CYNTHIA BAILEY – It’s NeNe. Her husband bought a billboard and posted a transcript of their angry text messages on it.
PETER THOMAS – So? A man’s got a right to air his lady business to the public. When you and I were fighting, I called Andy Rooney so he could rant about it at the end of "60 Minutes".
CYNTHIA BAILEY – But he’s so cantankerous.
PETER THOMAS – Damn right. We see each other bi-yearly at the Cantankerous Old Dude’s Convention in Sioux Falls.
CYNTHIA BAILEY – Well, there are times I’d like to talk on the phone while you’re in the room.
PETER THOMAS – Do you know what I could be doing with the 30 minutes it took to make this fish dish? I could be Just for Men-ning my beard!
CYNTHIA BAILEY – I appreciate it. I really do. It’s just that Nene’s breaking down.
NENE LEAKES – **enters wearing a neon green sweat band** Hey, it’s me. I heard Peter getting sassy on the other end of the line. I thought I'd finally get out of bed and straighten this shit out.
PHAEDRA PARKS – **enters carrying her infant** Did someone say “shit”? “Cause I got some Taco Bell fire sauce variety that my baby just cooked up. It’s all over my hands.
CYNTHIA BAILEY – Um, we’re about to eat.
APOLLO – So? What do you think happens to your food?
PETER THOMAS – Thanks for the anatomy lesson, Inmate #129384. Please get the fuck out.
PHAEDRA PARKS – Fine. But next time you try to dress your six-layer nachos with something spicy, don’t be surprised if I’ve already arranged a deal with the local Taco Bell proprietor. **she and Apollo exit**
NENE LEAKES – Like I was saying, what’s your deal, Peter? I thought we were headed down the road to having some hot sex, and now you’re being all cold to me.
PETER THOMAS – We were.
CYNTHIA BAILEY – Uh, excuse me?
PETER THOMAS – It’s cool, Cindy. Bitch gave herself a low freak number on Kandi Koated Nights, so I changed my mind.
CYNTHIA BAILEY – Oh. Fair enough.
NENE LEAKES – So that’s how it’s gonna be Peter?
PETER THOMAS – Yeah. That’s how it’s gonna be.
NENE LEAKES – Ok. Wow. I didn’t think we’d reach a satisfying resolution so soon. Well, thank you for your time. **exits**
PETER THOMAS – Cynthia, I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this malarkey.
KIM ZOLCIAK – **enters with her wig askew** Did someone say “lesbian”?
PETER THOMAS – No. I said “Malarkey”. Those two words don’t even remotely sound alike.
KIM ZOLCIAK – I hear what I want to hear, Peter.
PETER THOMAS – I wish I could only hear what I want to hear. ‘Cause lord knows I would have been sheltered from Tardy for the Party.
KIM ZOLCIAK – There’s a new song on the scene. It’s called “DJ Tracy Young Might Be On Uppers, But She’s Sure Good at Cunnilingus.”
PETER THOMAS – That’s quite a mouthful.
KIM ZOLCIAK – You’re telling me.
CYNTHIA BAILEY – Will you excuse me for a moment? I’m going to go vomit.
KIM ZOLCIAK – Oh, I’m actually on my way out. I’ve got voice lessons with Jan Smith, who’s also worked with big names like Rabbi Ira Rosenberg and Stinky Culpepper. **exits**
CYNTHIA BAILEY – Impressive. **pukes**
PETER THOMAS – Anybody else going to come through here while we try to eat dinner? Kandi Burruss? Hell, let’s even get Sheree Whitfield up in here.
KANDI BURRUSS – Here we are! **sings** WhooooAoooooAoooooA!
PETER THOMAS – I was being sarcastic
SHEREE WHITFIELD - Whenever someone even whispers my name in Fulton, De Kalb, or Cobb Counties, I am alerted and appear on the premises within 20 seconds.
PETER THOMAS – Is this part of your whole acting shtick or something?
SHEREE WHITFIELD – No, but this is. You’re looking very handsome today.
KANDI BURRUSS- Good one, girl! **they hi five.**
PETER THOMAS – Cynthia, get these bitches out of here.
CYNTHIA BAILEY – No.
PETER THOMAS – What did you say?
CYNTHIA BAILEY – I said no.
PETER THOMAS – Well then you can kiss Rachel Ray’s fourth best 30 minute dish goodbye!
CYNTHIA BAILEY – I think I’ll live. I’m leaving with my friends, asshole. We’re going to record a new song.
KANDI BURRUSS – It’s true. It’s called “Peter Thomas Looks Like A Black Papa Smurf and is Sometimes Mean to His Fiance.”
SHEREE WHITFIELD – And after that, we’re going to make a tribute version of “DJ Tracy Young Might Be On Uppers, But She’s Sure Good at Cunnilingus.”
CYNTHIA BAILEY – Uh oh. Here we go again. **dry heaves**
SHEREE WHITFIELD - See ya around town, Peter.
CYNTHIA BAILEY - **wipes her mouth** Thanks for eight months of hell. **heads to the door**
PETER THOMAS - You’ll regret this! Who’s gonna want you now? WHO’S GONNA WANT YOU NOW!!!!!!??!??!?!? **collapses in a weaping heap on the cold hard ground**
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ReplyDeleteIs Tracy Young retarded? I tried googling but not much came up except "Tracy sounds legally mentally retarded." I figured you could give me a better answer than that...
ReplyDeleteI think she's just on drugs.
ReplyDelete