Monday, December 6, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 10 - "Auto-Tuned Up"

Phaedra and Apollo emulate Medieval quartering horses with their infant.

PETER THOMAS – I slave over a 30-minute Rachel Ray fish dish, and this is how you repay me? By talking to your friend on the phone?

CYNTHIA BAILEY –  It’s NeNe. Her husband bought a billboard and posted a transcript of their angry text messages on it.

PETER THOMAS – So? A man’s got a right to air his lady business to the public. When you and I were fighting, I called Andy Rooney so he could rant about it at the end of "60 Minutes".

CYNTHIA BAILEY – But he’s so cantankerous.

PETER THOMAS – Damn right. We see each other bi-yearly at the Cantankerous Old Dude’s Convention in Sioux Falls.

CYNTHIA BAILEY – Well, there are times I’d like to talk on the phone while you’re in the room.

PETER THOMAS – Do you know what I could be doing with the 30 minutes it took to make this fish dish? I could be Just for Men-ning my beard!

CYNTHIA BAILEY – I appreciate it. I really do. It’s just that Nene’s breaking down.

NENE LEAKES**enters wearing a neon green sweat band** Hey, it’s me. I heard Peter getting sassy on the other end of the line. I thought I'd finally get out of bed and straighten this shit out.

PHAEDRA PARKS**enters carrying her infant** Did someone say “shit”? “Cause I got some Taco Bell fire sauce variety that my baby just cooked up. It’s all over my hands.

CYNTHIA BAILEY – Um, we’re about to eat.

APOLLO – So? What do you think happens to your food?

PETER THOMAS – Thanks for the anatomy lesson, Inmate #129384.  Please get the fuck out.

PHAEDRA PARKS – Fine. But next time you try to dress your six-layer nachos with something spicy, don’t be surprised if I’ve already arranged a deal with the local Taco Bell proprietor. **she and Apollo exit**

NENE LEAKES – Like I was saying, what’s your deal, Peter? I thought we were headed down the road to having some hot sex, and now you’re being all cold to me.


CYNTHIA BAILEY – Uh, excuse me?

PETER THOMAS – It’s cool, Cindy. Bitch gave herself a low freak number on Kandi Koated Nights, so I changed my mind.

CYNTHIA BAILEY – Oh. Fair enough.

NENE LEAKES – So that’s how it’s gonna be Peter?

PETER THOMAS – Yeah. That’s how it’s gonna be.

NENE LEAKES – Ok. Wow. I didn’t think we’d reach a satisfying resolution so soon. Well, thank you for your time. **exits**

PETER THOMAS – Cynthia, I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this malarkey.

KIM ZOLCIAK**enters with her wig askew** Did someone say “lesbian”?

PETER THOMAS – No. I said “Malarkey”. Those two words don’t even remotely sound alike.

KIM ZOLCIAK – I hear what I want to hear, Peter.

PETER THOMAS – I wish I could only hear what I want to hear. ‘Cause lord knows I would have been sheltered from Tardy for the Party.

KIM ZOLCIAK – There’s a new song on the scene. It’s called “DJ Tracy Young Might Be On Uppers, But She’s Sure Good at Cunnilingus.”

PETER THOMAS – That’s quite a mouthful.

KIM ZOLCIAK – You’re telling me.

CYNTHIA BAILEY – Will you excuse me for a moment? I’m going to go vomit.

KIM ZOLCIAK – Oh, I’m actually on my way out. I’ve got voice lessons with Jan Smith, who’s also worked with big names like Rabbi Ira Rosenberg and Stinky Culpepper.  **exits**

CYNTHIA BAILEY – Impressive. **pukes**

PETER THOMAS – Anybody else going to come through here while we try to eat dinner? Kandi Burruss? Hell, let’s even get Sheree Whitfield up in here.

KANDI BURRUSS – Here we are! **sings** WhooooAoooooAoooooA!

PETER THOMAS – I was being sarcastic

SHEREE WHITFIELD  - Whenever someone even whispers my name in Fulton, De Kalb, or Cobb Counties, I am alerted and appear on the premises within 20 seconds.

PETER THOMAS – Is this part of your whole acting shtick or something?

SHEREE WHITFIELD – No, but this is. You’re looking very handsome today.

KANDI BURRUSS- Good one, girl! **they hi five.**

PETER THOMAS – Cynthia, get these bitches out of here.


PETER THOMAS – What did you say?


PETER THOMAS – Well then you can kiss Rachel Ray’s fourth best 30 minute dish goodbye!

CYNTHIA BAILEY – I think I’ll live. I’m leaving with my friends, asshole. We’re going to record a new song.

KANDI BURRUSS – It’s true. It’s called “Peter Thomas Looks Like A Black Papa Smurf and is Sometimes Mean to His Fiance.”

SHEREE WHITFIELD – And after that, we’re going to make a tribute version of “DJ Tracy Young Might Be On Uppers, But She’s Sure Good at Cunnilingus.”

CYNTHIA BAILEY – Uh oh.  Here we go again. **dry heaves**

SHEREE WHITFIELD - See ya around town, Peter. 

CYNTHIA BAILEY - **wipes her mouth** Thanks for eight months of hell. **heads to the door**

PETER THOMAS  - You’ll regret this! Who’s gonna want you now? WHO’S GONNA WANT YOU NOW!!!!!!??!??!?!? **collapses in a weaping heap on the cold hard ground** 


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Is Tracy Young retarded? I tried googling but not much came up except "Tracy sounds legally mentally retarded." I figured you could give me a better answer than that...


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