Friday, December 3, 2010

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 7 - "My Mansion Is Bigger Than Your Mansion"

Rich people hang out in a big house.

KIM RICHARDS - I'm "digging" you, Mohammed. Isn't that what the kids are saying these days? "Digging"?

MARTIN - It's Martin. My name is Martin.

KIM RICHARDS - **imitates accent** "-'elllo, my name is Martin!" Hahaha! You Australians crack me up. **chugs glass of wine.**

CEDRIC - **snaps picture with his Iphone** You two are so cute together, it makes my nipples stick straight up! To the sky, even!

LISA VANDERPUMP - Cedric, go swim in the Turkish bath by yourself.

CEDRIC - Right-o, boss.

LISA VANDERPUMP - So how are things going with you two? Any hope for Kim to gain back the self-esteem she had on "Nanny and the Professor'?

MARTIN - Eek, I don't know... I meant what I said about only liking tall brune-

KIM RICHARDS - It's going great! We love each other. Like, a lot. Right, Mohammed?

MARTIN - Uh, right.

KYLE RICHARDS - **enters wearing a gas mask** - Mumble mumble mumble.

MAURICIO UMANSKY - Pardon my wife, her intense facial requires that you wear a gas mask for a full month.

KYLE RICHARDS - Mumble mumble mumble.

MAURICIO UMANSKY - She says she's proud of your boobs, Kim. She says that not only are they round and pert, but they hold a commanding presence that makes every man who sees them gasp with lust, and she thinks you should start showing them off like that every day.

KIM RICHARDS - Wow, she just said all that?

MAURICIO UMANSKY -  Yes. That was all her.

KIM RICHARDS - Aw, thanks big sis.

MARTIN - I thought you were older than Kyle.


MARTIN - Oh. Um, ok.

PAUL NASSIF - Hey everybody! Meet our new German Shepherd that our housekeeper will have to take care of!

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Isn't he cute? **tries to fondle its balls.**

PAUL NASSIF - It's a she. So stop trying to do what you do to every man that walks into our house.

ADRIENNE MALOOF  -  Oh, come ON! It was only once, and it was after I drank half a bottle of white burgundy.

PAUL NASSIF - The white burgundy I bought you as an anniversary gift!

ADRIENNE MALOOF - And my anniversary gift to you was going to be a threesome with Christian's karate instructor.

PAUL NASSIF - If it was a gift to me, it should have been a woman!

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Here you go again, with your thinly veiled homophobia. I should toss you in the turkish bath with Cedric and see if you sink or swim.



KIM RICHARDS  - Sorry to interrupt, but this segment was sorta supposed to be about me and Martin.

MARTIN - Oh, I don't mind.

KIM RICHARDS - But don't you want our first meeting to be filmed? So we can watch it with our kids in ten years?


TAYLOR ARMSTRONG -  Get that awful dog away from me. You know what dogs cause, don't you? Hives, sealed-shut eyes, dissolution of marriage... 

LISA VANDERPUMP - You could power all the cinemas in the world with your projection. 

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Sorry. It's just that... my husband's a dick. 

LISA VANDERPUMP - Well, that's no secret. Speaking of your husband and dicks, look at what he's doing right now. 

RUSSELL ARMSTRONG - **gently petting the undercarriage of Adrienne's German Shepherd**  Goooooooood boy. Gooooooood boy. 

PAUL NASSIF - It's a girl, god damn it! 

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Russell really is creepy, isn't he? 

LISA VANDERPUMP - The absolute creepiest. And I'm friends with Eric Roberts. 

CAMILLE GRAMMER - **enters wearing a floor-length ball gown** Hey, everybody, it's me Camille Grammer.

EVERYBODY - **loud groan**

CAMILLE GRAMMER - I hate to impose, but I heard French Roger was in town, and he and I are the dearest of friends... **kisses Roger on the lips for a full thirty seconds**

ROGER - Mon cherie amour, Camille! I made you ze gift. **hands her a plate of a bananas and strawberries, arranged like a penis and testicles**.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Why, thank you. **eats it slowly and sensually, whole party watches.**


CAMILLE GRAMMER - Kyle, I like your new gas mask look! Big improvement over your, you know, face. Well, tata! I'm off to the Tonys, no big deal.  **exits**

MARTIN - **turns to Kim** Suddenly, you're a lot more appealing to me. Let's hold hands and talk about peas.

KIM RICHARDS -  Can we also talk about clouds?

MARTIN  - Sure, why the hell not.

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