Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Challenge: Cutthroat Episode 8 - "Back with a Vengeance"

The only thing that upsets TJ Lavin more than quitting is gratuitous cussing.

In a hilly Czech pasture...

TJ LAVIN - Your challenge for today is to gently place these spherical toys in a wicker basket. Ready, set, PLACE!

SARAH  - I dunno, Teej. Look at my sweet-ass self-administered manicure with black polish. I don't wanna eff it up.

JOHNNY BANANAS - I can relate. This do-rag took a good thirty minutes to secure. Why should we over-exert ourselves?

TORI - Just a plain ol' lack of athleticism on my part. Maybe my husband could do it and I could reap the rewards of his hard work?

BRAD - I would, sweetie, you know I would, but my eyes are stuck in this really-wide-open position. It hurts, and I need to lie down. Orland Park represent, what what.

THERESE - My Under Armour spandex are cutting off my circulation, and I refuse to ever wear anything else, so I, too, would like to lie down.

TYLER - I sprained a muscle after a series of high kicks, not to mention the exhaustion I'm experiencing after a vigorous anal sex session with Luke. I'm sitting this one out, even though it kinda hurts to sit.

LUKE - Yep. What he said. No gently placing of spherical toys for me, thanks.

CARA MARIA - I need to attach a fresh pair of plastic skulls to my weave. And I'm also tired from a vigorous anal sex session.

ABRAM - Me too. Except it wasn't with Cara Maria, like you'd assume. **winks at TJ Lavin**

PAULA - Recovering from a chin herpes outbreak. 'Nuff said.

JENN - Can't, TJ. I just wrapped up reading the "Life After Experimental Lesbianism" self-help book, and I need time for it to sink in.

DERRICK - I'm waiting for my topical Rogaine to dry.

LAUREL - I'll do it, you bunch of lazy fuckers. **gently places spherical toy in wicker basket** Boo YAH! Fuck you, Abram, who's never done anything wrong besides have sex with someone who mildly annoys me! FUCK YOU!

ABRAM - I'm sorry. Sometimes people choose to spend time with the people who are giving them sex over the people who aren't giving them sex.

LAUREL - Well, I wouldn't know what that's like. So FUCK YOU!

TJ LAVIN - Calm down, Laurel. The only thing that upsets me more than quitting is gratuitous cussing.

At the Gulag...

TJ LAVIN - Laurel, congratulations on being the only one able to gently place a spherical toy in a wicker basket. Your athletic prowess rivals that of Peekaboo Street.

LAUREL - That's the best compliment I've ever gotten.

TJ LAVIN - And probably the only compliment you've ever gotten. Now it's time to bring back some old MTV cast members to remind them of all the fame-whoring they're missing.

DERRICK - Wait, we're actually famous?

TJ LAVIN - No, I just didn't think "attention-seeking" had quite the same punch.

JOHNNY BANANAS -  I bet it's Kenny! Or, rather, I'm desperately hoping with all the fluid in my testicles that it's Kenny.

TJ LAVIN - It's not. But let's play a game. You can guess who's coming back, and I'll let you know the lame reason why they're not here, on par with all of your lame-ass excuses for not completing today's challenge.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Ok! What do I win?

TJ LAVIN - Not everything in real life is modeled after a competition-based reality show. There is no prize.

PAULA - So a game just for the sake of just playing a game?



JOHNNY BANANAS - I guess I could try this whole "game with no prize" thing. Is it... Frankie?

TJ LAVIN - She's dead, you insensitive prick.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Sorry. Heather B?

TJ LAVIN - Recording "All Glocks Down Volume II"

JOHNNY BANANAS - Playboy Kara?

TJ LAVIN - Straightening her hair. And not the hair on her head.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Republican Rachel?

TJ LAVIN - Working on a cable access television show while simultaneously telling women they shouldn't be working.


TJ LAVIN - Sneaking sips of red wine to her own children.

JOHNNY BANANAS  - Beth Anthony?

TJ LAVIN - Busy being a "lezzzzzzbian", and all the things that entails.


TJ LAVIN - Spitting on Muslims.


TJ LAVIN - Watching a threesome in progress. So that takes care of Mike and Melissa, too.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Nice one. Knight?

TJ LAVIN - Back off the painkiller addition wagon, so huddled in the corner of his bathroom.


TJ LAVIN - Oh yeah. He's actually, like, a legit wrestler now. So he actually IS busy doing something.


TJ LAVIN - Also dead. Listen, this could go on forever. Here are the answers.

**CT and TINA walk into the gulag**

JOHNNY BANANAS - Talk about the letdown of the century.

PAULA - Worse. The letdown of the entire season.

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