 |
| The only thing that upsets TJ Lavin more than quitting is gratuitous cussing. |
In a hilly Czech pasture...
TJ LAVIN - Your challenge for today is to gently place these spherical toys in a wicker basket. Ready, set, PLACE!
SARAH - I dunno, Teej. Look at my sweet-ass self-administered manicure with black polish. I don't wanna eff it up.
JOHNNY BANANAS - I can relate. This do-rag took a good thirty minutes to secure. Why should we over-exert ourselves?
TORI - Just a plain ol' lack of athleticism on my part. Maybe my husband could do it and I could reap the rewards of his hard work?
BRAD - I would, sweetie, you know I would, but my eyes are stuck in this really-wide-open position. It hurts, and I need to lie down. Orland Park represent, what what.
THERESE - My Under Armour spandex are cutting off my circulation, and I refuse to ever wear anything else, so I, too, would like to lie down.
TYLER - I sprained a muscle after a series of high kicks, not to mention the exhaustion I'm experiencing after a vigorous anal sex session with Luke. I'm sitting this one out, even though it kinda hurts to sit.
LUKE - Yep. What he said. No gently placing of spherical toys for me, thanks.
CARA MARIA - I need to attach a fresh pair of plastic skulls to my weave. And I'm also tired from a vigorous anal sex session.
ABRAM - Me too. Except it wasn't with Cara Maria, like you'd assume. **winks at TJ Lavin**
PAULA - Recovering from a chin herpes outbreak. 'Nuff said.
JENN - Can't, TJ. I just wrapped up reading the "Life After Experimental Lesbianism" self-help book, and I need time for it to sink in.
DERRICK - I'm waiting for my topical Rogaine to dry.
LAUREL - I'll do it, you bunch of lazy fuckers. **gently places spherical toy in wicker basket** Boo YAH! Fuck you, Abram, who's never done anything wrong besides have sex with someone who mildly annoys me! FUCK YOU!
ABRAM - I'm sorry. Sometimes people choose to spend time with the people who are giving them sex over the people who aren't giving them sex.
LAUREL - Well, I wouldn't know what that's like. So FUCK YOU!
TJ LAVIN - Calm down, Laurel. The only thing that upsets me more than quitting is gratuitous cussing.
At the Gulag...
TJ LAVIN - Laurel, congratulations on being the only one able to gently place a spherical toy in a wicker basket. Your athletic prowess rivals that of Peekaboo Street.
LAUREL - That's the best compliment I've ever gotten.
TJ LAVIN - And probably the only compliment you've ever gotten. Now it's time to bring back some old MTV cast members to remind them of all the fame-whoring they're missing.
DERRICK - Wait, we're actually famous?
TJ LAVIN - No, I just didn't think "attention-seeking" had quite the same punch.
JOHNNY BANANAS - I bet it's Kenny! Or, rather, I'm desperately hoping with all the fluid in my testicles that it's Kenny.
TJ LAVIN - It's not. But let's play a game. You can guess who's coming back, and I'll let you know the lame reason why they're not here, on par with all of your lame-ass excuses for not completing today's challenge.
JOHNNY BANANAS - Ok! What do I win?
TJ LAVIN - Not everything in real life is modeled after a competition-based reality show. There is no prize.
PAULA - So a game just for the sake of just playing a game?
TJ LAVIN - Yes.
PAULA - Ew.
JOHNNY BANANAS - I guess I could try this whole "game with no prize" thing. Is it... Frankie?
TJ LAVIN - She's dead, you insensitive prick.
JOHNNY BANANAS - Sorry. Heather B?
TJ LAVIN - Recording "All Glocks Down Volume II"
JOHNNY BANANAS - Playboy Kara?
TJ LAVIN - Straightening her hair. And not the hair on her head.
JOHNNY BANANAS - Republican Rachel?
TJ LAVIN - Working on a cable access television show while simultaneously telling women they shouldn't be working.
JOHNNY BANANAS - Montana?
TJ LAVIN - Sneaking sips of red wine to her own children.
JOHNNY BANANAS - Beth Anthony?
TJ LAVIN - Busy being a "lezzzzzzbian", and all the things that entails.
JOHNNY BANANAS - Tricia?
TJ LAVIN - Spitting on Muslims.
JOHNNY BANANAS - Flora?
TJ LAVIN - Watching a threesome in progress. So that takes care of Mike and Melissa, too.
JOHNNY BANANAS - Nice one. Knight?
TJ LAVIN - Back off the painkiller addition wagon, so huddled in the corner of his bathroom.
JOHNNY BANANAS - The Miz?
TJ LAVIN - Oh yeah. He's actually, like, a legit wrestler now. So he actually IS busy doing something.
JOHNNY BANANAS - Puck?
TJ LAVIN - Also dead. Listen, this could go on forever. Here are the answers.
**CT and TINA walk into the gulag**
JOHNNY BANANAS - Talk about the letdown of the century.
PAULA - Worse. The letdown of the entire season.
No comments:
Post a Comment