Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Challenge: The Cutthroat Finale - "Czechmate"

On the Cutthroat finale, Abram dies. - photo

TJ LAVIN - Welcome to your final challenge, which will consists of me following you around on a tricycle and mocking you while you vomit your guts out. Sometimes I'll even honk the horn.


LAUREL - Ok, the first Czech Point says we've got to crawl under barbed wire while young anarchists in trench coats shoot Kalashnikovs at us.

ABRAM - Czech point? Hahahaha! Get it? Like, Check Point, but spelled like Czech Republic? Who comes up with this stuff? It's genius! I mean, I'm as good with puns as the next guy, but - oh shit - **projectile spews out delicious Czech food**

TJ LAVIN - Medic? Anybody? Hello?

SARAH - I think you need to, like, call them.

TJ LAVIN - My T-Mobile MyTouch 3G Slide isn't getting reception out here. Crap.

ABRAM - Uh, I think I'm dying. **his skin starts to shed off as his hair turns black. He disintegrates in five minutes**

TJ LAVIN - Huh. Will you look at that? I'm no biologist, but I had no clue that could happen. Oh well.

SARAH - Uh oh... Looks like I'm about to join Abram in that Boise Gold's Gym in the sky. **dies**

LUKE - Well, two people from our team just up and died. Can we finally go to Chili's now?

TJ LAVIN - Sure, here comes a cab in the middle of this desolate forest.

LAUREL - There's no ambulance, but there are taxis?

TJ LAVIN - It's Eastern Europe. Save me some baby backs.

**Cara Maria, Laurel and Luke ride off to the Prague Chili's in a taxi**

TJ LAVIN - How's it goin', Jenn and Emily? Hanging in there even though Big Easy had a better chance of winning in the Gauntlet 3?

JENN - Fuck you.

EMILY - Seriously.

TED - For real. Fuck yourself, TJ.

TJ LAVIN - Whoa. That stretcher dummy has one foul mouth.

TED - What'd you say to me?

TJ LAVIN - I said you've got a foul mouth.

TED - No, the other part. You call me a dummy?

JENN - Ted, take it easy.

TED - Who are you calling a dummy? I will shove this gas mask farther up your Vas Deferens than you knew things could go up a Vas Deferens.

EMILY - Chill, Ted. You ARE a dummy. He didn't mean that you're dumb.

TED - Oh yeah? You're taking his side? That's it. I don't have time to be laying on this stretcher. I could be up to my neck in lady dummy snatch right now. Peace. **leaves**

TJ LAVIN - Sorry, girls. Without someone to carry in a stretcher, you're disqualified.

JENN - Ugh, fine. Can we go to the Prague Chili's?

TJ LAVIN - Sure. First round of Presidente Margaritas is on MTV.

**Jenn and Emily leave**

TJ LAVIN - Red Team, looks like you've won the big prize.

TORI - You don't know what amazing news that is! Brad and I are bringing home $80,000 to put into building a home and a family! Smug married people RULE!

BRAD - I love you, baby. We rode on coattails to this win, and we did it together.

TJ LAVIN - Not so fast. The prize isn't money - MTV is going to pay your attorney fees while you work out your franchise agreement to build your very own local Chili's!

DUNBAR - Wait... what?

TJ LAVIN - Yep! Isn't it exciting?

DUNBAR - We don't even get the funds to build a Chili's?

TJ LAVIN - Just the attorney's fees. And we've already selected an attorney for you. His name is Sterling Coopersmith, out of Rye Brook, New York. Those Westchester lawyers are ruthless. 

TYLER - I have my own fucking attorney.

TJ LAVIN - Then you've got to pay for him yourself.

TYLER - And I fucking hate Chili's.

TJ LAVIN - You ingrate. The losing teams were thrilled to go there after their defeat.

**the Red Team huddles up and discusses their options**

BRAD - Yep. That's what we've got to do.

TJ LAVIN - So you've come to terms with the fantastic prize?

DUNBAR - Uh huh.

**The Red Teams drowns TJ Lavin in a tub of hot tar, and puts their hands in for a cheer**


TORI - I love you guys.

TYLER - I love you guys, too.

PAULA WALNUTS - I hate you guys. I flew all the way back from NYC just to tell you that.

DUNBAR - Kill yourself.

PAULA WALNUTS - K. **jumps into tub of hot tar with TJ**

The End.

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