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| On the Cutthroat finale, Abram dies. - photo mtv.com |
TJ LAVIN - Welcome to your final challenge, which will consists of me following you around on a tricycle and mocking you while you vomit your guts out. Sometimes I'll even honk the horn.
CARA MARIA - Kinky.
LAUREL - Ok, the first Czech Point says we've got to crawl under barbed wire while young anarchists in trench coats shoot Kalashnikovs at us.
ABRAM - Czech point? Hahahaha! Get it? Like, Check Point, but spelled like Czech Republic? Who comes up with this stuff? It's genius! I mean, I'm as good with puns as the next guy, but - oh shit - **projectile spews out delicious Czech food**
TJ LAVIN - Medic? Anybody? Hello?
SARAH - I think you need to, like, call them.
TJ LAVIN - My T-Mobile MyTouch 3G Slide isn't getting reception out here. Crap.
ABRAM - Uh, I think I'm dying. **his skin starts to shed off as his hair turns black. He disintegrates in five minutes**
TJ LAVIN - Huh. Will you look at that? I'm no biologist, but I had no clue that could happen. Oh well.
SARAH - Uh oh... Looks like I'm about to join Abram in that Boise Gold's Gym in the sky. **dies**
LUKE - Well, two people from our team just up and died. Can we finally go to Chili's now?
TJ LAVIN - Sure, here comes a cab in the middle of this desolate forest.
LAUREL - There's no ambulance, but there are taxis?
TJ LAVIN - It's Eastern Europe. Save me some baby backs.
**Cara Maria, Laurel and Luke ride off to the Prague Chili's in a taxi**
TJ LAVIN - How's it goin', Jenn and Emily? Hanging in there even though Big Easy had a better chance of winning in the Gauntlet 3?
JENN - Fuck you.
EMILY - Seriously.
TED - For real. Fuck yourself, TJ.
TJ LAVIN - Whoa. That stretcher dummy has one foul mouth.
TED - What'd you say to me?
TJ LAVIN - I said you've got a foul mouth.
TED - No, the other part. You call me a dummy?
JENN - Ted, take it easy.
TED - Who are you calling a dummy? I will shove this gas mask farther up your Vas Deferens than you knew things could go up a Vas Deferens.
EMILY - Chill, Ted. You ARE a dummy. He didn't mean that you're dumb.
TED - Oh yeah? You're taking his side? That's it. I don't have time to be laying on this stretcher. I could be up to my neck in lady dummy snatch right now. Peace. **leaves**
TJ LAVIN - Sorry, girls. Without someone to carry in a stretcher, you're disqualified.
JENN - Ugh, fine. Can we go to the Prague Chili's?
TJ LAVIN - Sure. First round of Presidente Margaritas is on MTV.
**Jenn and Emily leave**
TJ LAVIN - Red Team, looks like you've won the big prize.
TORI - You don't know what amazing news that is! Brad and I are bringing home $80,000 to put into building a home and a family! Smug married people RULE!
BRAD - I love you, baby. We rode on coattails to this win, and we did it together.
TJ LAVIN - Not so fast. The prize isn't money - MTV is going to pay your attorney fees while you work out your franchise agreement to build your very own local Chili's!
DUNBAR - Wait... what?
TJ LAVIN - Yep! Isn't it exciting?
DUNBAR - We don't even get the funds to build a Chili's?
TJ LAVIN - Just the attorney's fees. And we've already selected an attorney for you. His name is Sterling Coopersmith, out of Rye Brook, New York. Those Westchester lawyers are ruthless.
TYLER - I have my own fucking attorney.
TJ LAVIN - Then you've got to pay for him yourself.
TYLER - And I fucking hate Chili's.
TJ LAVIN - You ingrate. The losing teams were thrilled to go there after their defeat.
**the Red Team huddles up and discusses their options**
BRAD - Yep. That's what we've got to do.
TJ LAVIN - So you've come to terms with the fantastic prize?
DUNBAR - Uh huh.
**The Red Teams drowns TJ Lavin in a tub of hot tar, and puts their hands in for a cheer**
RED TEAM - Gooooooo RED TEAM!
TORI - I love you guys.
TYLER - I love you guys, too.
PAULA WALNUTS - I hate you guys. I flew all the way back from NYC just to tell you that.
DUNBAR - Kill yourself.
PAULA WALNUTS - K. **jumps into tub of hot tar with TJ**
The End.
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