Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 8 - "Cooking and Queening"

Judith Regan finds an interesting loophole in the "no sex on the first date" rule. - photo bravotv.com 

At Caroline's Comedy Club...

PATTI STANGER - What better way to make my millionairesses' coochies juicy than to have everyone here perform a humiliating stand-up routine on a dark, lonely stage?

DESTIN - You mean make your coochie juicy?

PATTI STANGER - Yes. It's a valid form of arousal, according to the Museum of Sex. Chris, since you actually do this for a living, you go first.

CHRIS - Hey, ladies and germs, it's great to be here. I just flew in from Miami, and boy are my arms tired. Ba dum BUM! Airline food, am I right? Ba dum BUM! Tip your waitresses, you've been a great audience.


DESTIN - No juicy goosey from that one, eh?

PATTI STANGER - A smidge. Degradation makes me horny, as long as I'm the one doing the degrading. NEXT!

JUDITH REGAN - Hey, I'm Judith Regan, star of my own Sirius XM show. I'm actually quite lonely and tend to fall in love with gay men who will never, ever love me back. Sometimes, late at night, I weep myself to sleep in the fetal position.

PATTI STANGER - HAHAHAHAHA! Now that's comedy!

DESTIN - I don't think she was joking, Patti.

PATTI STANGER - Get outta here. Nobody's that pathetic in real life. Right, Judith?

JUDITH REGAN - Uh, right. Just, um.... joking. **sulks off the stage**

PATTI STANGER - Let's get that Hispanic guy up here next, and play Latin music in the background every time he appears, just to add that extra dash of racism.

CARLOS - Hello, I'm Carlos Menendez. No, no relation to those Menendezes, but I do use a knife at my day job.

DESTIN - Good one!

PATTI STANGER - I don't get it.

DESTIN - The Menendez brothers? They killed their parents and shit?


CARLOS - Gracias for your time. **exits to Shake Your Bon Bon by Ricky Martin**

ANDREA CORREALE - I'm Andrea, and I'll be up next, performing a ventriloquism routine about life as a caterer with my puppet, Chef Giggles.

PATTI STANGER - What the fuck are you doing?

ANDREA CORREALE - Getting ready to stick my hand up Chef Giggles' ass.

PATTI STANGER - No, I mean how dare you get up on stage before I introduce you?

ANDREA CORREALE - Well, Carlos's demeaning Latin music had already started, so I figured it was my turn to embarrass myself on national television.

PATTI STANGER - How many times do we have to go over this? The man gives direction, and I hadn't directed you yet.

ANDREA CORREALE - But you're a-

PATTI STANGER - Nope. That's where you're wrong. **whips out her penis, swings it to and fro, and tucks it back in**  NEXT!

JOHN - Hi, I'm John. What's the deal with planes these days? If I want to go visit Australia, why does it take so damn long?

PATTI STANGER - Ok, this guy's good.

DESTIN - True, but we saved the best for last. Please welcome.... Bruce Vilanch!

BRUCE VILANCH - I got a great one for you. Judith Regan tried to have sex with me, but you wanna know what I say? It's dicks, not chicks, honey.


DESTIN - Patti, he's a respected comedian and writer. He was on Hollywood Squares, for god's sake. And you booed him?

PATTI STANGER - I just didn't get it.

DESTIN - You know how dudes say "dicks before chicks"? Or "bros before ho's"? It's a play on that.

PATTI STANGER - Sorry. I still don't understand the joke. Can we get that guy who talks about Australia back?

DESTIN - He and Judith are sticking Danish in each other's orifices in Central Park.

PATTI STANGER - Driver Guy, how fast can you get me there to watch?

PATTI'S DRIVER - Eh, I don't know. It's all the way uptown, and -

PATTI STANGER - Nevermind. You got any Danish here?

PATTI'S DRIVER  - Sure do.

PATTI STANGER - Nice. Hit the lights.

PATTI'S DRIVER - **whispers to himself** God, if you exist, please save me.

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