Monday, December 13, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 11 - "Contract Player"

Hanging out with Anderson Cooper is one of the 17,654 other things NeNe would rather be doing than taking a Strip Mall Tour of metro Atlanta. - photo

NENE LEAKES - Alright, I'm here for our strip mall tour of metro Atlanta. Otherwise known as "Every Episode of RHOA, ever."

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Can you sign this contract before we go anywhere?

NENE LEAKES - What is it? A friend contract or something?

CYNTHIA BAILEY - No, that's absurd. It's a contract that states you'll stop trying to have sex with my fiance.

NENE LEAKES - Eh - I'd rather not sign it without my attorney present.

PHAEDRA PARKS - Here I am! Ready to counsel you with this here baby attached to my breast.

NENE LEAKES - Very professional. Do you advise me to sign?

PHAEDRA PARKS - Well, do you plan on breaking the terms of the contract?

NENE LEAKES - Hell yeah.

PETER THOMAS - **sticks his head in the scene** Hell yeah.**exits**

PHAEDRA PARKS - Then I advise you not to sign. Oh, and Cynthia? I've heard you've been running around town telling everyone my baby was full term.

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Yeah, that's true.

PHAEDRA PARKS - The huge, whopping lies I tell are nobody's business but my own. Well, and Dwight's. But that's it. Nobody else.

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Ok. I'm sorry, I guess.

PHAEDRA PARKS - Thanks. Now if you'll excuse me, my little alien needs to be put down for a nap, or whatever it is extraterrestrials do in their down time. **exits**

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Ok, our first stop on the Strip Mall tour is this theater that used to be a Publix. Sheree's in the Southern touring company for Waiting for Godot.

**they sit in the theater for four hours, waiting for Sheree to to appear, but she never does**

NENE LEAKES - Well, that was a complete and utter waste of time. What's next?


PHAEDRA PARKS' MOM - **appears out of thin air** Mmmmmmm Hmmmmm.

NENE LEAKES - Get outta here, fatty.

PHAEDRA PARKS' MOM - Mmmmmm Hmmmmmm. **exits**

NENE LEAKES - The whole Burger King thing wasn't just a set up for a fat joke, was it? Cuz I really want an Original Chicken Sandwich.

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Sorry, all the BKs around here are stand-alones, so they're not Strip Mall tour worthy. But guess what is?


CYNTHIA BAILEY - Well, yeah, but that's not what I was getting at. Let's go watch Kim lay in a bikini on a laser-powered fat-buster contraption in a vacant storefront!

**they arrive to see Kim laying in a bikini on a laser-powered fat-buster contraption in a vacant storefront, eating pizza**

KIM ZOLCIAK - Thank god you're here. I need someone to pour me wine, and Brielle had to go to school. Damn kids. What's the point of having them if they can't pour you wine while you get spa treatments? 

KANDI BURRUSS - Amen. Hey, girls. How's the strip mall tour going?

NENE LEAKES - Literally exactly like any other day in the Sun Belt.

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Yeah, but this time there are cameras following us. **strikes a pose**

KIM ZOLCIAK - I'm trying to lose weight before Kandi and I go on tour. We're going to be like Laverne and Shirley, except one of us is black and neither of us have ever been to Milwaukee. **stuffs pizza in her mouth**

NENE LEAKES - Cynthia, are we done here? Please god, let us be done here. I think I'm permanently blinded. 

KIM ZOLCIAK - Because of the lasers? 

NENE LEAKES - **shields her eyes from Kim's bikini body** No, not because of the lasers. 

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Our next stop is that Mexican restaurant where Kim tried guacamole for the first time. I really want to revisit that don't-fuck-my-fiance contract. 

NENE LEAKES - Oh, um, I just remembered that I have to go rub Gregg's back. 

CYNTHIA BAILEY - I thought you guys weren't on speaking terms? 

NENE LEAKES - Gotta go! **runs out**

KIM ZOLCIAK - I'll sign your contract, Cynthia. But first, can you lay here on this laser bed with me? Eating pizza in a bikini in a vacant storefront gets lonely sometimes.

**they snuggle on the laser bed**

KANDI BURRUSS - **comes back from the bathroom** . Sweet. Laser-Bed Snuggling. Is there room for three?


KANDI BURRUSS - Oh. Alright. **walks out with her head down**

The end.

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