Friday, September 10, 2010

Jersey Shore Episode 7 - "Sleeping with the Enemy"

Rob Kardashian takes offense to being compared to Angelina.

VINNIE - The Kim Kardashian of Staten Island? More like the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island!


ANGELINA - Is that so? At least I don't pretend I'm on the Good-Looking Tree when I'm really sitting in the Ugly Bush, or whatever.


VINNIE - But I forgot to add that I find Rob Kardashian to be a very attractive, sexual person.


VINNIE - Uh, just kidding. Chicks all the way, bro.

PAULY D - It's ok. He is a male model, you know.

VINNIE - Please leave.

PAULY D - Yep. **The Situation and Pauly D leave to go shine their gym shoes**

VINNIE - Oh, Angelina, you could be so pretty if you tried.

ANGELINA - I do try. A lot. It took me 47 minutes to make my bangs go to the side like this.

VINNIE - Can you remove your Claire's hoops and put this one diamond stud in your left lobe?

ANGELINA - Uh, ok. But these are from The Icing, fyi. I do have some class.

VINNIE - Excellent. What about your hair? Have you ever considered a buzz cut?

ANGELINA - Um, hello?! Are you STOOPID?

VINNIE - You're right, baby steps. Let me just sculpt a pixie with the sharp end of my new cross necklace. Ah, there we go.

ANGELINA - Whoa. I kind of look like a dude now.

VINNIE - Oh, really? I hadn't noticed. Here, slowly sip this Armenian cognac while you watch a sex tape your tall sister made for her NBA husband.

ANGELINA -  Huh? I don't have a sister.

VINNIE - Oh, shit. I meant, uh, watch this tape of Khloe Kardashian.

ANGELINA -Maybe I should call Jose... I'll take a Fossil watch over candy porn any day.

VINNIE - No, please stay. How would you feel about moving to Glendale, California, capital of Armenian-American living?

ANGELINA - I'm a guidette, bro. Fresh Kills Landfill is my playground.

VINNIE - One last thing... I noticed there are some hair extensions and brocolli rabe remnants lying around the kitchen. Would you mind obsessive-compulsively cleaning the mess up while wearing a track suit?

ANGELINA - I don't clean. I guess I can put on a track suit, though.

VINNIE - But Rob would never stand for this kind of disorder!

ANGELINA - Rob? Are you trying to pretend I'm Rob Kardashian?

VINNIE - No! I just happen to think he's got a lot of great qualities. Qualities that make me want to smack that ass while feeding him Yershig.

ANGELINA - Um, hello!? Are you DUMB?! I'm a woman.

VINNIE - Oh god. What do I do, Angelina? I love him so much. But my family would disown me if they ever knew about this deep desire. And the Yershig. I'm supposed to only like Italian food.

ANGELINA - Ugh, fine. I'll use some mascara to put a little pubescent Armenian mustache above my lip. But just this once.

VINNIE - YES! Let's go in the Smush Room, where there are no cameras and we can have total privacy.

ANGELINA - Ok, I added some extra black specs to my chin to give it more authenticity.

VINNIE - Can you add in a widow's peak?

ANGELINA - Yeah. How do I look?

VINNIE - Breathtaking, Rob. Just breathtaking.

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