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| Gorgeous male specimen Tareq Salahi has some 'splaining to do about his creepy collection of youth soccer shirts. |
In the dark, dank basement of Oasis Winery in Virginia's Famous Wine Country...
TAREQ SALAHI - What a fantastic day, huh? Sunshine, Costco grapes, and surface-y conversation, like only Oasis Winery can provide.
STACIE TURNER - Yes, thank you for inviting us down here to Virginia Wine Country, second to Sonoma County in wine tourism.
JASON TURNER - Who told you that?
STACIE - Tareq.
TAREQ - It's true. Howie Mandel once came here for a weekend and compared it to the rolling hills of Tuscany.
JASON - Oh, really now?
MICHAELE SALAHI - America's Got Talent's own. How do you like that?
JASON - Ummm... impressive?
MARY AMONS - Dude, I am fuuuuuuucked up.
TAREQ - Perfect, that's what I've been waiting for. Now that you've all had such a great day on my dime, I can drop this truth bomb.
MARY - Just spit it out, Napoleon.
TAREQ - Fine, time to flip-turn shit upside down, Fresh Prince-style.
JASON - Do NOT bring black people into this.
TAREQ - Sorry. Anyway, Mary, I saw a picture on MySpace of your daughter Frosting wearing a Culpepper Youth Soccer shirt.
MICHAELE - Yep. What he said.
MARY - But like most of America, Frosting hasn't used MySpace since 2005.
TAREQ - Funny, that's when I lost my shirt.
MICHAELE - July 22nd, 2005.
MARY - I don't get it. What's the big deal here? Pour me some more of the red. The oxidized one.
TAREQ - They're all oxidized, here at Oasis. **fills Mary's glass to the brim** You should know that the FBI is involved. They're committed to finding the perp of this horrendous crime.
MICHAELE - The Federal Bureau of Investigation.
MARY - What? My daughter has better shit to steal than a tween's sweaty shirt.
TAREQ - You can try to argue with hardcore, MySpace evidence, but you'll never win.
MICHAELE - Pictures don't lie. Like hips.
JASON - **raises hand** Wait, I have a question.
TAREQ - Yes, Jason?
JASON - Why were you in possession of a youth soccer shirt?
MICHAELE - Oh, shit. Good question. Why, honey?
TAREQ - **starts to sweat** I, uh... I was the coach.
STACIE - Uh huh. Let's get out of here. This dude is creepy as fuck.
MARY - For realsies. **grabs the bottle of red, pours it down her throat, and smashes it against the basement wall**
MICHAELE - **a shard of glass lodged in her shoulder** Some extra fat really would have made this hurt less.
I think Tareq Salahi is so cute..
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