Sunday, September 12, 2010

Real Housewives of DC Episode 3 - "Foreign Relations"

Gorgeous male specimen Tareq Salahi has some 'splaining to do about his creepy collection of youth soccer shirts.

In the dark, dank basement of Oasis Winery in Virginia's Famous Wine Country...

TAREQ SALAHI - What a fantastic day, huh? Sunshine, Costco grapes, and surface-y conversation, like only Oasis Winery can provide.

STACIE TURNER - Yes, thank you for inviting us down here to Virginia Wine Country, second to Sonoma County in wine tourism.

JASON TURNER - Who told you that?

STACIE - Tareq.

TAREQ - It's true. Howie Mandel once came here for a weekend and compared it to the rolling hills of Tuscany.

JASON - Oh, really now?

MICHAELE SALAHI - America's Got Talent's own. How do you like that?

JASON - Ummm... impressive?

MARY AMONS - Dude, I am fuuuuuuucked up.

TAREQ - Perfect, that's what I've been waiting for. Now that you've all had such a great day on my dime, I can drop this truth bomb.

MARY - Just spit it out, Napoleon.

TAREQ - Fine, time to flip-turn shit upside down, Fresh Prince-style.

JASON - Do NOT bring black people into this.

TAREQ - Sorry. Anyway, Mary, I saw a picture on MySpace of your daughter Frosting wearing a Culpepper Youth Soccer shirt.

MICHAELE - Yep. What he said.

MARY - But like most of America, Frosting hasn't used MySpace since 2005.

TAREQ - Funny, that's when I lost my shirt.

MICHAELE - July 22nd, 2005.

MARY - I don't get it. What's the big deal here? Pour me some more of the red. The oxidized one.

TAREQ - They're all oxidized, here at Oasis. **fills Mary's glass to the brim** You should know that the FBI is involved. They're committed to finding the perp of this horrendous crime.

MICHAELE - The Federal Bureau of Investigation.

MARY - What? My daughter has better shit to steal than a tween's sweaty shirt.

TAREQ - You can try to argue with hardcore, MySpace evidence, but you'll never win.

MICHAELE - Pictures don't lie. Like hips.

JASON - **raises hand** Wait, I have a question.

TAREQ - Yes, Jason?

JASON - Why were you in possession of a youth soccer shirt?

MICHAELE - Oh, shit. Good question. Why, honey?

TAREQ - **starts to sweat**  I, uh... I was the coach.

STACIE - Uh huh. Let's get out of here. This dude is creepy as fuck.

MARY - For realsies. **grabs the bottle of red, pours it down her throat, and smashes it against the basement wall**

MICHAELE - **a shard of glass lodged in her shoulder** Some extra fat really would have made this hurt less.

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