Friday, September 24, 2010

Real Housewives of DC, Episode Six - "Perception Gap"

Michaele Salahi poses with her old Redskins cheerleading pals, who have no idea who the frick she is. 
At the Redskins Alumni Cheerleading rehearsal...

HEAD REDSKINS CHEERLEADER - Things have changed, especially with Angela over there who's put on about a buck-fifty, but you all should be proud to have once worn the honored burgundy and gold booty shorts.

MICHAELE SALAHI - Gooooooo Redskins!

HEAD CHEERLEADER - Right, skinny tall blond lady. Go Redskins. Remember, you were all once on the most glamorous professional cheerleading squad in the NFL, right behind the Pittsburgh Steeler-ettes and the Buffalo Jills.

MICHAELE - Like Fergie said, **spelling** G-L-A-M... A-R... O-U-S, yeah.

HEAD CHEERLEADER - What's your name, skinny tall blond lady? You don't have that same look of defeat as these other former-hotties-slash-current-housewives.

ANGELA - I resent that.

HEAD CHEERLEADER - You know it's true, fatty.

MICHAELE  - I'm Michaele Salahi, Washington Redskins Cheerleader Class of 1993!

HEAD CHEERLEADER - Nobody says it like that.

MICHAELE  - Sorry.

HEAD CHEERLEADER - Anyway, Mikhail, or whatever your name is, why don't you show us one of the routines you remember from 1983?

MICHAELE - 1993. Um, ok. How about this one?
How funky is your chicken?
How loose is your goose?
Now c'mon everybody,
And shake your butt!
 HEAD CHEERLEADER - Ok, first of all, that didn't even rhyme. You got the words wrong to a Pop Warner cheer for seven-year-olds.

MICHAELE - But other than that, it was good, right?

HEAD CHEERLEADER - No. It wasn't. We dance, we don't actually cheer.

MICHAELE - Whoops! All those horse tranquilizers from 2007 must have really damaged my memory. Let me try another one...
Rah, rah
HEAD CHEERLEADER - Is that a pre-war cheer, or some shit? Did you find that one on the Wikipedia page for cheerleading?

MICHAELE - I just, um, really like it.

HEAD CHEERLEADER - Not enough to learn the right words, I see. It's "bah", not "yeah." Jesus Christ. Alright, girls, time to circle up.

MICHAELE - Woooo hoooo! I love huddles!

HEAD CHEERLEADER - Not you, Skeletor. **all the former Redskins cheerleaders whisper in a circle**

MICHAELE - **dejectedly watching the huddle** I'm good enough, I'm smart enough...

HEAD CHEERLEADER - Ok, we're back. We decided that you were never a Redskins cheerleader.

MICHAELE - But I exchanged "I love yous" and air kisses with several of you!

ANGELA - Yeah, we just did that to be nice. And because there are cameras around.

HEAD CHEERLEADER - Nobody has a clue who the fuck you are.

MICHAELE - But if I wasn't a cheerleader, how would I know this?
Oh Mickey, you're so fine,
You're so fine, you blow my mind,
Hey Mickey! **clap, clap, clap**
Hey Mickey!
**tries to stretch into a center split, but gets stuck halfway down**

HEAD CHEERLEADER - That's a pop song. From the '80s. By Toni Basil.

MICHAELE - Aw, man!

HEAD CHEERLEADER - Please leave.

MICHAELE - I would, but I'm stuck in this split.


**the real Redskins cheerleaders leave Michaele in the FedExField parking lot, stuck in the center splits position for six hours. A parking lot attendant eventually walks by and helps her up. She makes out with him against the automated parking meter, to thank him, and then  heads home to Tareq, the only person who ever really believed in her.**

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