Sunday, September 26, 2010

Keeping Up with the Kardashians Episode 7 - "Match Made in Hell"

Kris Jenner takes a break from sculpting her early 90s-style skater cut to listen to the hottest girl group of the moment.

At Kris Jenner's office...

THE POINTER SISTERS - Hi, we're here to meet Kris Jenner.

RECEPTIONIST - Oh, you must be Lamar's grandmothers.

THE POINTER SISTERS - That's racist. We're the Pointer Sisters. We're here to audition for her.

RECEPTIONIST - Oh, shit. Let me buzz her. **on the intercom** Mrs. Jenner? Some sisters are here to see you... they're old... and I think they said their last name is Pauper, or something...

KRIS JENNER - **on the intercom** I'm shellacking my hair. I'm busy.

THE POINTER SISTER - We won't take no for an answer!

RECEPTIONIST - **on the intercom** They said they won't take no for an answer.

KRIS JENNER - Oh, ok then. Send them in.

THE POINTER SISTERS - **entering Kris's office** We're The Pointer Sisters, and we're here to audition for you. We've seen the amazing things you've done for Rob's career, and we'd love you to be our manager.

KRIS JENNER - Why do you all speak at the same time? It's creepy.

THE POINTER SISTERS - Because we're sisters. That's what sisters do.

KRIS JENNER - Oh. Well, let's see what you've got.

THE POINTER SISTERS - We just want to say that we appreciate you giving us a shot. We may not be as energetic and good-looking as we once were, and our systems can't handle hard drugs like they used to. But we can still rock the house!

KRIS JENNER - Sure. I'm ready when you are.

RUTH POINTER - Here goes nothin'.
I'm so excited!
I'm so excited!
**attemps to do the running man, but her back gives out, and she crumples like a ball on the carpeting**

JUNE POINTER - The show must go on...

I want a man with a slow hand.
I want a lover with an easy touch... like this...
**simulates mastburation over her acid-washed jeans, but accidentally urinates all over herself** Ok, I'm out.

ANITA POINTER - Go tend to your wounds. I got this, girls.

He's so shy-ay!
He's so shy-ay!
That sweet little boy who caught my eye-ay...

**farts loudly into her Depends, the music cuts out** Whoops. Weakening of the sphincter muscle is a true sign of age. I thought we could handle this but... maybe not.

KRIS JENNER - I've got to say, you ladies are old as shit. Things have really changed.

RUTH POINTER - Amen. Can somebody call an ambulance? I think my back is broken.

KRIS JENNER - In a few minutes. I'm giving a speech here.

JUNE POINTER - And we'll need to call a professional carpet cleaner. My urine's all over this bitch.

KRIS JENNER - I'll add it to the list. Anyway, like I said, and I'll continue to say, you ladies are old as shit.

ANITA POINTER - I knew it. They tell you the elderly can do anything, but there's actually a lot of things we can't do. Sing, dance, use debit cards, mixed-martial arts...

RUTH POINTER - All those minutes we spent rehearsing. What a waste.

**The Pointer Sisters dejectedly head toward the door, their heads cast toward the ground**

KRIS JENNER - But wait. You didn't let me finish.

JUNE POINTER - Yes? Are you going to tell us that you really loved it and that you're going to give us a chance? Like in the movies?

KRIS JENNER - Well, I was. I did love it, and I thought about giving you a chance. But then I saw how saggy and wide your butts are as you turned to leave and... I just can't. Sorry.

ANITA JENNER - Fuck you.

KRIS JENNER - Aw. You sound just like Khloe.

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