Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Real Housewives of Orange County - Hold on to Your Daddies

Now I'm not sayin' she's a gold digger.

But she ain't messin' with no broke 53-year old.

My viewing companions felt uncomfortable with how the older housewives treated Gretchen. They thought the women were "mean" to her at the spa.

Boo frickin' hoo. Do you think nobody in Anna Nicole's circle raised an eyebrow when she took up with Grandpa Moneybags? Do you think Howard K. Stern and that red-haired little lesbian kept every quip about flaccid wieners to themselves during that ill-fated union? They're human beings.

Gretchen can't expect everyone she meets to ignore the ready-to-die elephant in the room. You made your bed, now have terrible old person sex in it.

My viewing companions also used the word "mean" to describe how the other housewives treated Gretchen. They weren't being mean, though, they were just being honest. I'm guessing they would recoil in disgust if the same amount of honesty was ever leveled at them.

A lot of ground was covered in this episode, but it can be summarized in one word: "c*ckring". Or is it that two words? Thanks, Bravo, for bleeping out the word(s). Not that I'm offended by the word, but hearing Tamra say it makes me want to forcibly remove my own genitals. Listening to her complain about every little scratch made to the railings or the floors in her McMansion while Simon moved her exercise equipment was mind-numbing. I have OCD just as much as the next person, but if you are going to complain about someone else moving your equipment, you have two options. Do it yourself or pay someone to do it.

Apparently Simon has a lot of time on his hands because he left his job at Fletcher Jones Mercedes in Newport Beach. Last month, the Orange County Register said their house in Ladera Ranch was for sale. I don't want to speculate, but could the two be related? I guess I just speculated.

I enjoy the pseudo-tension between Vicki and Jeana that resulted from Jeana's 'mismanagement' of Vicki's smaller Coto home. Jeana claims that her business will be fine despite the dramatic real estate downturn in Orange County, where home prices are off 40% since this time last year. Jeana specializes in larger homes, which have taken a far smaller hit. While Jeana's career is surely an important aspect of who she is, why aren't we seeing more of her and her family? I think she has one of the more interesting family dynamics, with the distant husband she is now separated from and three children, each with their own agendas. Colton has fallen off the face of the Earth, as far as we know. He may have been put in Coto jail for abusing his golf cart privileges.

Lauri seems to enjoy living outside the confines of the Coto homeowner's association. "We have our own gates", she mentions, as returns from a horseback ride with George. I mentioned last week that Lauri was dangerously flirting with becoming obsolete on this show, because they are hiding all of the real aspects of her life. This week was no different, although we got to hear all about Ashley's foray into skin care.

My roommate couldn't stop laughing when young, impressionable Ashley said "I like to take care of my own skin" as a reason for getting into the industry. Business plans be damned, the girl washes her face every night! Besides, they really don't teach you about "business plans" or "investing and financing" or "running a company" or "not being stupid" at Saddleback College. Perhaps a little more business school is in order.

Now even young Ashley has the entrepreneurial spirit, what exactly is it that Gretchen does, or does she just care for her husband? We have only seen her in the context of caregiver, stepmom, and whipping post. I was convinced that when the other housewives went to pick her up for their trip to the spa in Beverly Hills, they parked the limo at the far end of the street to give them time to critique and deride, as she strutted her way down the street, smiling and waving at her neighbors. All the talk of Gretchen getting a boob job in one week's time won't make your tits any less saggy. Nor will they make your lives any more interesting. I think these women need a better target. Its not that the gold digger angle isn't valid, it just seems a little played. Tamra asks if she divorced her first husband because he was poor. While it seems to be a horrible question, isn't there some truth in that most divorces occur because of financial difficulties which place a strain on the marriage, and no one wants to be married to someone who can't provide for them, or help them provide for the family. This is true for both men and women. I wouldn't ever enter a marriage knowing that my wife was unable to provide for us if something happened to me. I'm guessing Tamra only asked this question, though, as she had previously been in the position of choosing money over love. Guess which won.

Speaking of love or money, this episode reminded me of why I love Donn Gunvalson. He is fully willing to call Vicki out on her crazy...and there is plenty to go around. I think we all knew that her passive agressive attempt to convince Michael he didn't have to go to Puerto Vallarta would end with her f'n screaming. Her children do seem rather unappreciative of all that life has given them.

I was terrified for Donn when he was having dinner with Vicki at Ti Amo in Laguna Beach. He went where no one should ever go- saying that she should have never married or had children with her first husband. Even if its true, you can't say something like that, as it insults the very nature of Vicki's children. Its way over the line, DG.

All of this discussion of marriage and family, wasn't what tempted me, though. As Vicki rolled her luggage out of the house, I was not so secretly hoping to find a small minivan waiting to take them to the airport. Who isn't dying to see Vicki unload on another shuttle drive for failing to bring a large enough van to handle the Gunvalson bunch?

Previously on The Hills: Real Housewives of Orange County- the Premiere!

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