The Hills Episode 7 - "The Company You Keep"

Allie Lutz proves that even if it doesn't walk like a duck or talk like a duck, it still could very well be a duck. Or whatever.

Scene I

ALLIE LUTZ: I just cut a chunk of your hair out while you were sleeping because I saw lice crawling in it.

MCKAELA: You're such a good friend.

ALLIE LUTZ: No problem, I'd do it for anyone. I'm a really good person. Hey, want to go to She-Pratt's birthday party tomorrow?

MCKAELA: I dunno, it might be awkward.

ALLIE LUTZ: Don't worry, I'll arrange an appointment with an ear, nose, and throat specialist to have your vocal chords removed so you don't have to respond to any petty comments. No need to thank me.

MCKAELA: You're the best!


Scene II

At Stephanie's non-alcoholic birthday celebration...

KRISTIN: Oh shit, Allie Lutz is here with McKaela.

LO: Sorry, I invited McKaela. She's got a deep appreciation for Smashbox's artificial light luminizing lotion, so I thought we could really make this friendship work.

KRISTIN: (to Allie) HEY BITCH! Remember when you broke into Brody's house when I was sleeping in his bed? It's cuz we just had sex. Me and Brody were having sex, everybody. Just so you know. We do that sometimes.

ALLIE LUTZ: Kristin, I just broke into Brody's house because I saw a strange black man enter through the patio door and I wanted to make sure you were OK.

BRODY: Um, that was Lamar Odom coming in for a night cap.

ALLIE LUTZ: Sorry, he just looked shady. Your safety is so important to me that I even Nancy Kerrigan'ed his kneecap. So much for the Lakers' championship, eh?

LO: What about when you slept with my boyfriend? While I was in the room?


ALLIE LUTZ: I was checking to make sure he didn't have any STDs. That's right - I was willing to risk sterility for your health. It's ok. I'd really do it for any of you.

STEPHANIE: What about when you murdered my Nana with her own bifocals?

ALLIE LUTZ: Oh, that. I just really hated your Nana. Everybody slips, sometimes.

AUDRINA: I think you should leave, Allie. I'm having trouble keeping my eyes focused on a random spot on the ceiling, and that means one of my infamous rages is coming on.

LO: It's true. One time during a solar eclipse, Audrina softly told the bouncer at Area that he was being mean.

ALLIE LUTZ: Damn. Fine, I'm out.


Scene III

Outside the club...

MCKAELA: I don't get why they have a problem with you. You're sooooo sweet.

ALLIE LUTZ: People just can't accept a kind heart at face value anymore. Hey, let me give you an enema in front of the cameras and this crowd of people. You look a little bound up.

MCKAELA: Aw... I have been a little irregular. Thank you!