Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 5 - "Into the Lion's Den"

Danny Provenzano breaks down when he's told that he is not posing with the actual Big Pussy, but rather actor Vincent Pastore.

Scene I

DANIELLE: So, Danny, you gonna protect me from the Manzos at the Brownstone?

DANNY: Does Tony protect Christopher?

DANIELLE: Yeah, I guess. Until he killed him in Season 6.

DANNY: I got you. No worries. We stick together like Meadow and Jackie Jr.

DANIELLE: Sure. Hey, where the frick is our table? Is this how people treat people who treat babies with cancer nicely?

DANNY: Heh, this is like when Dr. Melfi got raped.

DANIELLE: Is it really?

DANNY: I guess not. Just be a good Carmela and make sure I get some chicken parm in my belly tonight.

DANIELLE: I would, if this damn family would acknowledge that I'm here. So this is how they act toward Danielle Staub. Like a common crazy person. We're gonna make Caroline and Dina wish they never came out of Nina "Grandma Wrinkles" Laurita's womb, AM I RIGHT, DANNY??? AM I RIGHT???

DANNY: Sure, Danielle. Just like Silvio did Adriana.

DANIELLE: There's that Danny Provenzano enthusiasm. Atta boy.

DANNY: So where's Big Pussy?

DANIELLE: Right here, baby. Get it?

DANNY: Be serious, Danielle! I really thought he'd be here tonight.

DANIELLE: Hey, Danny? You know that The Sopranos was a fictional television show, right?

DANNY: W-what do you mean?

DANIELLE: It wasn't real. Fake. Faker than these tig ol' bitties you're looking at.

DANNY: You shut up. You shut up right now.

DANIELLE: Its true. Now I need you to get a grip on reality and make sure the Manzos pay for all their perceived transgressions against me! Uh... Danny? Why are you sobbing in the fetal position?

DANNY: You've shattered my world! Ughughughugh. **Sniff** Shattered it!

DANIELLE: Jeez. Delusional much? Get off the ground, and let's attack the people who are intent on destroying me.

Scene II

JACQUELINE: Hi, I'm Jacqueline Laurita. You must be my daughter's boyfriend's mom.

DEREK'S MOM: I am, indeed. You look breathtaking.

JACQUELINE: Thanks! I sure hope my Ashley has been respectful of your home while she gives Derek bj's in the basement.

DEREK'S MOM: Oh, extremely respectful. She even cleans up afterwards!

JACQUELINE: That's my girl!

DEREK'S MOM: Would you like some wine, Jacqueline? The Greeks used to say that wine brings you closer to the gods.

JACQUELINE: Is that so? Well, bring it on!

DEREK'S MOM: It also loosens inhibitions.

JACQUELINE: Inhi-what?

DEREK'S MOM: Oh, silly Jacqueline. Silly, buxom, sexually appealing Jacqueline.

JACQUELINE: This wine is really strong!

DEREK'S MOM: Yes, it's a special blend. Drink up, darling. Quickly.

JACQUELINE: So, let's talk more about our crazy kids being in love. Remember what that was like?

DEREK'S MOM: Remember? How does one remember the present? Let me feed you grapes. Straight from my yearning fingers to your anxious gullet.

JACQUELINE: Wow, you sure talk different from most of the ladies in Jersey...

DEREK'S MOM: Hush! Now we kiss.

JACQUELINE: I'm... Feeling... Woozy....

DEREK'S MOM: When you wake up in a dark confined space in my basement, in approximately six hours, please do not be alarmed. My precious Jacqueline.

DEREK: Hey mom, we're home!

ASHLEY: Why's my mother passed out on the couch?

DEREK'S MOM: Oh, you know, a little too much two p.m. drinky drinky. I imagine it's also how she became pregnant with you! Now who wants a Hot Pocket?

ASHLEY & DEREK: WE DOOOOO!!!! (They push Jacqueline out of the way to eat their Hot Pockets).

1 comment:

  1. I know you were trying to be funny, but I feel like this is exactly what happened in both instances. I think Danielle surpassed Kelly Bensimon as the front runner in the Paranoid, Delusional paegaent.

    Also, you can't really blame Derek's mom, who wouldn't drug Jacqueline and tie her up in their basement?


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