Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 4 - Babies, Bubbles and Bubbies

Danny Provenzano teaches us all a lesson about judging a book by its cover.

Scene I

DANIELLE: (to camera) If there's anybody I'd ask to straight-up murder Caroline Manzo, it's this dude I met at the old Shell station in Paramus. I mean, look at this guy. Did he just climb out of solitary at Rikers, or what? Chocolate scone, anybody?

DANIELLE: Danny, I'm hoping you'll accompany me to the Baby Alzheimer's Fundraiser at The Brownstone.

DANNY: I wouldn't miss it for all the tea in China. The thought of little babies forgetting where they put their car keys is just heartbreaking.

DANIELLE: I just really need a "friend" to show up with me in case things get out of hand with the Manzos.

DANNY: A friend? Well, sure! Maybe we could see Iron Man 2 afterward...

DANIELLE: No, I mean a "friend"... in case things get out of hand with the Manzos. Hint. Hint.

DANNY: You worried about the ham game? Aw, c'mon Danielle, they'd know better than to do it at the baby Alzheimer's event. That's serious stuff!

DANIELLE: I'm not sure you're picking up what I'm putting down. Didn't you spend time in the clink?

DANNY: The wha?

DANIELLE: Hoosegow?


DANIELLE: The slammer, Danny, jail! Prison!

DANNY: Oooooooh... My Taiwanese roommate sophomore year at Chapel Hill vandalized our dorm bathroom after too much Boone's Farm, but I took the fall because I didn't want him to get deported. Please don't spread it around Franklin Lakes.

DANIELLE: What about all your wild prison tats?

DANNY: What, these? Finger paints. My nephew and I were working on a Dora mural. Gosh, I hope he doesn't come down with baby Alzheimers.

DANIELLE: I think I've made a huge mistake.

DANNY: So what time should I pick you up before The Brownstone? Its been awhile since I've gotten dressed up. Maybe I'll stop by the Chateau for a trim...

DANIELLE: You know what? Let's reschedule our friend outing. You're not quite what I'm looking for.

DANNY: Oh. Gee, Danielle, I'm sorry. Well, here's a check for fifty grand. Can you make sure the babies with Alzheimers get it? I hope you have a great time.

Scene II

CHRISTOPHER: Hey, Mom, welcome to my car wash!

CAROLINE: I'm so proud of your entrepreneurial spirit. I really thought Albie would be the only one to make something of himself, but look at you!

CHRISTOPHER: Yeah! Come meet "the entertainment", wink wink.

CAROLINE: Wow, I must say, "the entertainment" are all really beautiful, but I gotta ask you... What's with the penises?

CHRISTOPHER: Oh, they're chicks with dicks! I guarantee we're the only car wash in America where trans prostitutes will wipe down your Lexus with an ergonomic sponge attached to their wieners!

CAROLINE: Um, that's really something.

CHRISTOPHER: Hey Alex! Don't forget about the tailpipe! Isn't this great, Ma?

CAROLINE: Um, yes. Really great. How do you feel about maybe changing your last name? Torelli is so much cooler than Manzo...

CHRISTOPHER: Check this out. Frankie can pull back his junk to make it look like a mangina! That's sure to bring in the dirty Hummers off the turnpike!

CAROLINE: Wow. Chrissy? I've, uh, got to go help Albie study for his law finals. Because he's in law school. At Fordham. And gonna make a lot of money in a respectable field. And make the Manzo family really proud.

CHRISTOPHER: Alright, thanks for coming. Tell Albie I'll give him a ten percent discount and throw in Pat-slash-Patricia for five free minutes!

CAROLINE: Sure, sure. Well, I better duck out before anyone sees us talking and can tell we're related.

CHRISTOPHER: Oh, and mom?


CHRISTOPHER: I love you.

CAROLINE: Uh huh. Can you maybe stop calling me Mom? Caroline works just fine.

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