The Hills Episode 4 - "This is Goodbye"

Ken Seeley, Lead Interventionist on A&E's Intervention

KEN SEELEY: On this week's very special episode of Intervention, Aunt Becky discusses becoming a woman with DJ, and Danny tells Joey that it's time to start cleaning up his pube trimmings instead of just leaving them all over the sink. JUST KIDDING! We're here to make sure Heidi and Spencer from MTV's The Hills know that everyone thinks they're cray-cray.

SPENCER: On behalf of MTV, I'd like to thank you, Ken Seeley, and A&E, for allowing this little bit of cable cross-promotion to be possible.

KEN SEELEY: And on behalf of the world, I'd like to thank MTV for essentially creating one of the most dysfunctional relationships of all time.

SPENCER: I'll pass that on, thanks.

KEN SEELEY: Let's all read our letters to Heidi and issue ultimatums.

HOLLY: Dear Heidi. I saw you come out of our mom's vagina, and it was really beautiful. I'm not saying our mom's vagina itself was beautiful, but the whole act of you coming out of there, with all the placenta and pieces of... well - you get the gist.

SPENCER: Cut to the chase, wino.

HOLLY: YOU cut to the chase, before I kick your punk-ass-pussy-ass-bitch-ass all over town until you shut up once and for all!

KEN SEELEY: Ok, ok. That was really great, Holly. Full of emotion. Let's move on. Audrina?

AUDRINA: Dear Heidi. Ever since you married Spencer, you've had a vacant look in your eyes. It scares me.

KEN SEELEY: I'm going to go ahead and interject here - I don't want to encourage pots to call the kettles black. Next!

LO: Dear Heidi. As the show's lone voice of reason, I've already identified this situation as a classic case of Stockholm Syndrome, a phenomenon in which victims of trauma or kidnapping sympathize with their captors.

KEN SEELEY: YES! You go, show's lone voice of reason!

LO: But then, I used one of Spencer's Protection Crystals and rubbed it over every crevice of my body after an intense exfoliating treatment. I was then transported to a cabbage patch in Macedonia, where each cabbage plant bore the face of Ms. Shirley from What's Happening, and each Shirley took me to her bosom and allowed me to rest my head there for three minutes before moving on to the next bosom. I now know the true power of the crystals.

KEN SEELEY: Aaaaaaaaand lone voice of reason card rescinded.

SPENCER: Are we done here? I've got to get my wife back to our condo, where she'll do what I call "The Three P's" - write poetry, pray, and pet puppies.

KEN SEELEY: That's kind of four P's actually. 'Cause petting puppies is two.

SPENCER: You motherfucking former meth-head, I'm going to kill you! (attacks Ken Seeley with a Peace Crystal).

HEIDI: Hi, um, Spencer, honey? Maybe consider the possibly of not hitting Ken Seeley over the head with a Peace Crystal?

SPENCER: One more word out of you and your internet and tv privileges will be revoked for another three weeks. Don't fuck with me.

HEIDI: Sorry, sweetie bear.