The Hills Episode 3 - The Elephant in the Room

Image of a young child who's been visiting Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon a little too regularly.

Scene I



Enzo's Birthday Party

HEIDI: Boys and girls, may I please present.... AN ELEPHANT!

CHILDREN: Yaaaaaaay!

BRODY: Dude, why is that elephant slowly caressing Enzo's backside with his trunk?

HEIDI: Brody, this is a children's party! Please behave appropriately.

BRODY: Fine. But now its trunk is pushing its way down another kid's shorts. Just sayin'.

HEIDI: Ahem. Everybody, we're having another special surprise... Mr. Wiggles the clown!

MR. WIGGLES: Hyuk! Hiya kiddos! Who likes balloon figures?

CHILDREN: We do! We do!

MR. WIGGLES: Well, alright! Here ya go!!!! (He shapes a purple balloon into an angry-looking penis.) This is for you, birthday boy!

BRODY: Does anybody find making a penis balloon at a seven-year-old's party weird? Anybody?

FRANKIE: Broseph, you know I usually got your back, but you're kind of acting like a pervert.

RYAN CABRERA: Seriously, man. That's why Audrina chose me. I'm into puppies and dewdrops and sunshine without a hint of irony.

BRODRY: Go back to Ashlee Simpson. Oh wait - she wouldn't take you back because she's hot now.

HEIDI: And for the grand finale, the most specialist gift a kid could want... A priest!

BRODY: What the fuck? Heidi, are you for real!?

HEIDI: Yes, you anti-catholic bigot! A child deserves a blessing from a holy man on such a blessed day. Look, he's such a good priest that he's taken two additional boys to the basement to bless them. And it's not even their birthdays!

FRANKIE: Brody, chill. El padre es un hombre bueno.

BRODY: This is sick. And not sick in the way suburban kids describe their pimped out Scions.

FBI AGENT: Heidi Montag?

HEIDI: Right here!

FBI AGENT: No, we're looking for Heidi Montag. The cute fresh-faced blonde with little boobs.

HEIDI: That's me.

FBI AGENT: Whatever. We're here to investigate the hiring of a pedophilia-focused party service.

HEIDI: W-what? I don't know what you're talking about.

FBI AGENT: The advertisement called "Pedophilia-Focused Party Service" on Craiglist should have tipped you off. (He handcuffs Heidi.)

HEIDI: Owwww! Surgery cuff, please! Be gentle!

BRODY: Ah, the sweet satisfaction of being right.

RYAN CABRERA: You wanted to be right about people touching kids? Real cool, broski. (Everybody leaves.)

BRODY: That's it. I'm following Kourtney and Khloe to Miami.

RANDOM KID: And baby Mason.

BRODY: And baby Mason.

RANDOM KID: And Scott Disick.

BRODY: ENOUGH!