Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Hills Episode 8 - "Between a Rocker and a Hard Place"

Allie Lutz experiences the pain of not fitting in with her peer group, and plans to educate about the dangers of systematic bullying.

Scene I

At Les Deux...

MCKAELA: I came here all the way from an Iowa farm, and this is how people treat me?

ALLIE LUTZ: Welcome to L.A. When two mad scientists spliced human DNA with animal DNA and I was created, people in this town weren't so kind to me either.

MCKAELA: Whoa, you were spliced? I tried that on the farm by putting my prized sow in a Victoria's Secret teddy, but my brother didn't take the bait.

ALLIE LUTZ: Yeah, it's not so bad. The most animalistic things I've ever done is eat Cheetos out of the trash and bite off Chase Crawford's dick. No biggie.

MCKAELA: And break into Brody's house?

ALLIE LUTZ: That too. One of my talons fell off while I was partying there, so I went back to find it.

MCKAELA: Can't blame you for that. Talon manicures ain't cheap. Oh no, here comes that awful Kristin Cavelieri.

KRISTIN: Well, looky here. If it isn't a farmer and one of her farm animals.

MCKAELA: That's actually quite accurate.

ALLIE LUTZ: Kristin, you're just jealous because dogs don't even look your way when you're menstruating.

MCKAELA: Yeah, its like "All Dogs go to Heaven" up in here when Allie's in heat. Oh my god, what am I saying?

KRISTIN: McKaela, even though you're from Iowa and I once saw you wear cargo pants, you can do better than hanging out with a half human-half animal.

MCKAELA: You're right, gosh darn it!

KRISTIN: Want to go get Caramel Frapes at Mickie Dee's?


ALLIE LUTZ: Why, god? Whyyyyy? (Gets on all fours and sniffs a discarded plate of foie gras with crostini.)

Stephanie Pratt is kind of like Debbie Downer, except her name is not Debbie.

Scene II

At Stephanie Pratt's apartment, during her second date with Prom King Max...

MAX: Delicious dinner, Stephanie. Reminds me of the meatloaf my mom used to make.

STEPHANIE: I bet my mom would make good meatloaf. If she were alive.

MAX: Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. So, what do you like to do for fun?

STEPHANIE: Not much, since my DUI. I drank a fifth of Skyy and ran over Jada Pinkett's poodle. Them's the breaks, I guess.

MAX: Well, I'm, uh, glad to see that you're doing better. Hey, do you bowl? I bowled a 65 at Lucky Strike on Tuesday. I'm such a klutz.

STEPHANIE: No, I don't bowl. The National Bowling Association actually got me on record saying that I thought the sport was for white trash. A YouTube video made the rounds, and now I'm pretty much banned from every bowling alley in the country. Oh well.

MAX: Wow. That's rough. Hey, at least this lemonade is good. That'll make any dark day brighter.

STEPHANIE: Oh, that's not lemonade. My brother hates me so much that he leaves plastic bottles full of urine on my doorstep every morning.

MAX: You know what? I'm going to leave.

STEPHANIE: Ok. Call me.

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