Monday, October 13, 2008

The Hills - Who to Choose?

So that was the "steamiest scene in Hills history?"

They didn't even make out. We just saw some bare silicone float to the pool's surface.

Instead of getting turned on from this encounter, I started to worry about the certain outbreak of Hepatitis B in Southern California once J-Bobs uses his "hallpass" with a Mexican prostitute and passes his souvenir to Audrina, and so forth and so on. Good luck with that one, John F. Schunhoff, Interim Director of the Los Angeles County Department of Health.

Ah, Spuncer. I call him Spuncer, you see, because a writer on EW, referring to the Brody of yore, claimed that "Spencer's Best Friend" is pronounced "Spuncer's Bust Frund" in Cali speak. That really stuck with me, because of the new kid in my sophomore year health class that moved from LA. I'll never forget that guy and his weirdly pronounced vowels, even though his name escapes me. I love you.

A co-worker and I got into a mild disagreement last week when I expressed anger at Spunce's manipulation. He's alienated Heidi from her job, her family, and her friends. He is the reason Holly is warming her hands over an oil drum fire on Skid Row. My co-worker, however, proclaimed that Chin Implant is "no victim." I now see the light. Without Spunce, Heidi would have slid into obscurity years ago. His flesh beard and it's magical allure is keeping Speidi a part of the popular lexicon. He is almost Christ-like in his devotion to Heidi and her fame whoreness.

I don't know much about Christ, but I like saying that people are Christ-like in their devotion to something Christ would probably not have done. You might say that I am Christ-like in my devotion to quality bathroom reading.

Moving on to the Aftershow, because I couldn't keep abreast of the meaningful-glance context during the remaining 20 minutes of the show. She-Pratt, live and uncensored, shows no shame when she announces she has no idea what Serbia is. Along with hamsters, guinea pigs, and the fine art of not talking frustratingly slowly, Steph knows nada about Eastern Europe.

I'm sure RJ will have a more structured post in a few hours when the show airs on the West Coast. I eagerly await his analysis.


  1. Why is that flesh colored beard so damn mesmerizing?!!? I can't stop looking at it every time a commercial for The Hills is on TV.

  2. I'm disturbed by how Stephanie said Spencer is so devoted to Heidi. Creepy. As. All. Hale.

  3. I know! That amount of devotion is not a good thing. He needs his own interests and friends.

  4. Weirdly pronounced vowels? Is this why I got shit throughout college for the way I said 'Taco Bell'?

  5. Yes. It's not Taaaaaaaco Bell. It's Taco Beeeeeeeeell.

    See the difference?


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