Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey - Reunion Part I

Bravo executive Andy Cohen gets stuck cleaning bits of faux flesh out of the floorboards after another violent Real Housewives reunion.

ANDY COHEN - Let's talk about your sex tape.

DANIELLE STAUB - Love recording.

ANDY COHEN - Sure. Love recording.

JACQUELINE LAURITA - That's not love. Believe me, I watched it. In slow motion. Twice. Naked.

DANIELLE -  A man I trusted betrayed me. I'm a victim here.

CAROLINE MANZO - If you trust someone named Penis McBaby, buckle up. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

DANIELLE - I did trust Peen (that's what I call him for short). He can't help what his parents named him!

TERESA - I may have sent my daughters to a Nike sweatshop in Honduras to pay off my debt, but at least they've never seen me in a sex tape. I keep that stuff hidden real good.

CAROLINE - From the mother that brought you "Engage and Suggest" comes "Children Who Are Dead Behind The Eyes."

ANDY COHEN - You're really going for that movie trailer voice-over thing, huh?

CAROLINE - In a world gone mad, fasten your seat belts.  **Kiss Me by Six Pence None the Richer kicks in**

DANIELLE - I resent that, Caroline. My daughters' irises light up like a Newark turf war every time I describe in detail a new coitus position I'm trying out.

CAROLINE - Yippie Kai Yay at the OK Corral. It's high noon, pardner.

ANDY - I like what you did there.

CAROLINE - Thanks.

TERESA - I think this bears repeating: Prostitution Whore.

DANIELLE - Oh yeah?

TERESA - Yeah.

DANIELLE - **Danielle's energist makes a peace sign with her fingers from the wings** Right, love and light. New beginnings. New beginnings.

TERESA - Nope. Not for you. **pulls a rifle out from behind the couch, shoots Danielle in the left cheek**

DANIELLE - Hey, I just filled that with Sculptra this morning!

TERESA - Shit. Lemme try again. **shoots Danielle in the right breast**

DANIELLE - You're gonna have to pay for that! And the Wayne Surgical Center is cash only!

TERESA - Damn it! **finishes Danielle off by shooting her in the temple**

ANDY  - Those anger management classes at the Y didn't do you much good, I see.

TERESA - Sorry, Andy.

ANDY - I never thought I'd say this, but I'm anxious to work with Kim Zolciak again.

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