Friday, August 20, 2010

Jersey Shore Episode 4 - "Breaking Up"

Ronnie perfects the triple-kiss, an act of betrayal that strikes fear into the hearts of all New Jersey-based quasi-girlfriends.

J-WOWW - Ronnie's been playing you, Sam.

SAMMI - Oh my God. Has he been going to Nobu with a lingerie model while I'm stuck eating The Situation's floor dinners?

SNOOKI - No.  Worse.

SAMMI - Shit. He's been taking some broad to the Jackie Gleason Theatre of the Performing Arts while I sit and watch Pauly pick scabs off of his Prince Albert?

J-WOWW - Much, much worse.

SAMMI - Well, what then? Prostitutes? Sexually Transmitted Wiener Diseases? Prostitutes with Sexually Transmitted Wiener Diseases?

SNOOKI - He triple-kisses and motorboats.

SAMMI - What?!? But those are two of the most emotionally-charged, sacred acts!

J-WOWW - We know. We made you this diagram. Here's Ronnie, triple-kissing.

SNOOKI - And on the left is Ronnie, motorboating.

SAMMI - No. No way. He'd never do that to me.

J-WOWW - Girlfriend, I know what you're going through. My ex screwed my mom in front of me, and now they own a bungalow in Hempstead with three Pomeranians.

SNOOKI - But that ain't nothin' compared to triple-kissing and motorboating.

J-WOWW - Listen, we wrote you a letter.
Dear Sam. Once we saw Ronnie triple-kiss. Then we saw him motorboat. 
SAMMI - No! That letter is a lie!

SNOOKI - It's in all-caps. All-caps equals all-true.

J-WOWW - Look over there. Ronnie is currently alternating between triple-kissing and motorboating, right in our own living room. You need more proof than that?

SAMMI - That's a guy in a Ronnie costume. If I lick my fingers and wipe them across his cross tattoo, it'll come right off. Watch. **She wipes her fingers on the tattoo, which doesn't budge.** Oh.

RONNIE - What the frick? Can't a man get his triple-kiss and motorboat on in peace?

SAMMI  -Ef you, Ron! You said I was your girl! At the gelato shop! That's hallowed ground!

RONNIE - Gimme a break. I've snorted enough yay to give Stevie Nick's nose cartilage hole a run for its money. I can't be held responsible.

SAMMI - Fair enough. See you in my room to cuddle when you're done?

RONNIE - Sure. Now let's figure out the logistics of this triple-kiss, ladies.

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