Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 14 - "Hills are Alive with Giudice"

Everyone hates the Giudices, because they are awful people.
Waiting for a coach bus from Naples to Sala Consilina...

ALBERT MANZO - Ever consider taking a trip without the kids? Maybe leaving them with Super Nanny Jo Frost?

TERESA GIUDICE - I don't go anywhere wid out all four a-my kids. Not even da shower.

CAROLINE MANZO - Still... Jo Frost. Think about it.

ALBERT - Strenuous hikes up steep hills and lavish wine-soaked dinners are a little much for kids with these... uh... behavioral circumstances.

TERESA -Whatevah. Milania, put down da Chianti! Ain't she da cutest?

JOE GIUDICE - Hey shit faces. The fuckin' bus is here.

On the coach bus to Sala Consilina...

TERESA - Attention, everybody! Gia will be providin' our in-bus entertainment for da next three hours and ten minutes!

GIA - **clears throat** Ahem.
 "If you're horny
Let's do it.
Ride it.
My pony."

**gyrates suggestively on Chris Laurita's leg**

TERESA - Yeah, Gia! Work dat body roll!

CAROLINE - How old is Gia now? Nine?

TERESA - Eight. We're hopin' to get her in a Chris Brown video within the next six ta eight months.

ALBERT - If Joe's pizza parlor profits can't buy you Chanel, that sure will.


ALBERT - Nothing.

MILANIA - **licks Albert's bare head for four straight minutes.** Salty. Salty.

TERESA - Milania, you're gonna dry out your tongue! How you gonna say "fabulous" wit no saliva?

ALBERT - It's ok. It'll dry and leave a thin film. Probably protect it from sun damage or something.

JOE -  Ok, motherfuckers. We're fuckin' here.

On the steep, strenuous hike up the Sala Consilina hill...

GABRIELLA -  **stabs Caroline in the shin repeatedly with a Kesha action figure's knee high boot.** Tik tok! Tik tok!

CAROLINE - What the-

TERESA - Gabriella, you're dulling da heal on Kesha's boot!

CAROLINE - Nevermind dulling the density of my shin bone.

TERESA - Now I gotta buy new brand boots for da Kesha doll.


AUDRIANA GIUDICE - **uses her infant superpowers to push a baby pig off the cliff. A small child below is killed instantly from the impact.**

ALBERT - Hey, Ti Ti?

TERESA - Yeah?

ALBERT - The baby just pushed a pig off the cliff. A small child below was killed instantly from the impact.

TERESA - Oh, crap. Audriana, now you got pig germs all over your hands, and I forgot to bring sanitizer.

JOE - Kids, know what I mean?

TERESA - Hey, look! It's Joe's grandma! Grandma Giudice, come meet my beautiful, beautiful babies!

GRANDMA GIUDICE - **in Italian** They are ugly, stupid, and poor behaved. You are bad parents.

TERESA - What'd she say?

JOE - She loves 'em. Now let's get the fuck outta here.

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