Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 13 - "Don't Drink the Holy Water"

All the Juviderm, Botox, Restylane and other emotion-erasing cosmetic products in the world can't extinguish the intense love a birth mother feels when she first lays eyes on her daughter.

At the Oakland Diner in Oakland, New Jersey...

DANIELLE STAUB: Whoever she is, my birth mother's gotta be proud of me. Look at my successes... A television show, a book deal...

A sex tape, a Colombian cartel...

DANIELLE: You bitch. You fucking bitch.

It was just a joke!

DANIELLE: What I didn't want, or need, or ask for, is your pathetic excuse for a joke. I don't expect, or anticipate, or foresee, that you'll live to see another day once my buddy Danny gets here. Ah, he just pulled up.

No, Danielle! Nooooooo!

(in the parking lot) Danny! Thank Allah you're here. Ready to fuck up that blue-haired butt-crack bitch?

No, Danielle, I've come for another reason entirely.

DANIELLE: What, you want the rest of my Disco Fries?

DANNY: If only it were that simple.

DANIELLE: Why are you talking like that? I haven't heard one
"ain't" or "fag" out of you yet. I'm scared.

DANNY: You might want to sit down for this.

DANIELLE: Good thing there's a dildo sitting upright on this curb. Ah, New Jersey.

You see, back in 1912, when I was 14, I met a kindly widower from Palermo. He had an eggplant farm and a glass eye. He took me behind the 7-11 - yes, they still had those back in 1912 - and taught me a little about life. Do you know what I mean, Danielle?

DANIELLE: That's when you learned to play Corn Hole?

You could say that. Vincenzo was his name, and after thirteen minutes of an intense Slurpee massage, he planted a seed in me. A seed that would one day grow to be Beverly Merrill.

DANIELLE: Huh? That's my old name.

Yes. Luke, I am your mother.

Who's Luke?

That's you.

Oh. So you're my birth mother?

Yes, and you're my birth daughter.

Wow, that's a lot to digest.

DANNY: Here's a Maalox.

DANIELLE: Thanks. You do have that maternal instinct, afterall. Mom.

I never thought that word would sound so good. But it does. It really does. You see, I once had a functioning lady womb. But God decided to close it for business after what he called "the devil's spawn" was born. He thought the universe might be at risk if I were to produce another one.

DANIELLE: So now you're a man?

Some say yes, some say no. But no matter what anyone says, Danielle, that you're a whore, a skank, a bitch,

Nut job, don't forget nut job.

Yes, that too. Or that you look the Grinch, or that you have square tits, or that you have enough venereal diseases to rival a 62-year-old Slovenian whore -

DANIELLE: Ok, that's a fuckin' nuff.

DANNY: Sorry. I got carried anyway. Just know that, despite the fact that the entire Bravo viewing audience is in unanimous agreement about everything listed above, Iiiiiiiii, will always love youuuuuuuuuu.

I love you, too, Mommy. Want to make a sex tape and score some cash?

Does a bear shit in the woods?

No comments:

Post a Comment

web statistics
Wall Street Journal