A verbose "Juicy" Joe Giudice knows that you gotta do what you gotta do. Know what I mean?
At the Giudice compound...
JACQUELINE LAURITA - Hey, Joe. Word around Franklin Lakes is that you drove into a ditch after eight Butter Babies.
"JUICY" JOE GIUDICE - Happy wife, happy life, know what I mean?
JACQUELINE - No. Not really.
TERESA GIUDICE - I'll translate. What he meant was that after a long night of volunteerin' up at the puppy cancer hospital, he drove his car into a ditch. He had a lot of time before the police came, so his friend Sal showed up and they drank eight Butter Babies.
JACQUELINE - So Joe got drunk after the accident, while waiting for the police to investigate?
TERESA - To deal with the stress. Of the accident.
JOE - You gotta do what you gotta do, know what I mean?
JACQUELINE - Not quite.
JOE - Hey, when life hands you lemons and all that. Know what I'm saying?
TERESA - See, Joe's been in a few compromising situations after trying to deal with stress.
JACQUELINE - So I've heard. What's the story about Denim DiBongiorno?
JOE - RIP, Denny. What are ya gonna do?
TERESA - I'll translate. One time, Joe was play-fightin' with Denim DiBongiorno in an abandoned warehouse at the Port Newark.
JOE - A tickle here, a slap there... know what I mean?
TERESA - Denim was depressed after their shift at the puppy cancer hospital, so Joe was tryin' to cheer him up with some good ol'-fashioned abandoned warehouse play-fightin'. You know the drill.
JACQUELINE - Oh, of course.
TERESA - Denim fell heart-first on a rusty old nail. Joe called the police, but they was takin' too long, so he put his DNA all over this old knife.
JOE - Gotta pass the time somehow, you know?
JACQUELINE - Again, no, I don't. I really don't.
TERESA - Joe's just a really gentle, sweet guy. He doesn't know how to cope when bad things happen.
JACQUELINE - Clearly. So what about that pregnant stripper? How did Joe get wound up in that?
JOE - Bada bing, bada boom, and you're pregnant.
JACQUELINE - Huh?
TERESA - What he means is that he was walkin' past the Vulva Room on his way to the puppy cancer hospital -
JACQUELINE - He puts in a lot of time there, eh?
TERESA - Yeah, ain't it great? So he hears this 19-year-old stripper cryin' and wailin'. And you know Joe, he's got four daughters, so he really "gets" young girls, he tries to help her out.
JOE - Happy stripper, happy world, right?
TERESA - Right. So, turns out, she was sexually assaulted minutes before Joe got there. Joe calls the police, and they're both so anxious about the attack -
JACQUELINE - Lemme guess... Joe tries to comfort her with sex?
TERESA - Yeah! You're so smart. So Joe and the stripper get out all their stress by doin' it, and she goes and gets pregnant. The asshole cops were all suspicious, but I know my Juicy Joe. He did a good thing.
JOE - More lemonade, you know?
JACQUELINE - Got it. Remind me how I got mixed up with you potentially criminal retards again?
TERESA - Andy Cohen.
JACQUELINE - Right. Damn him and his gorgeous bronzed skin.
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