Tuesday, April 29, 2014

The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Episode 3 - "Fakes-Giving, Fake Friends"

Vicki Gunvalson

Vicki visits Briana and Troy...

VICKI GUNVALSON - Ah, the old get pregnant again so no one expects you to get a job trick. Crafty.

BRIANA WOLFSMITH CULBERSON - It's not like I'm a Bellino or something. Besides my husband being a controlling dick.

 VICKI GUNVALSON - Classless trash.

BRIANA WOLFSMITH CULBERSON  - Why did you really come here? I've got a 500-square-foot starter condo to not clean.

VICKI GUNVALSON - My therapist said I should invite you to everything, even when Brooks is there.

BRIANA WOLFSMITH CULBERSON - I'll never set foot in a room with that abuser again.

VICKI GUNVALSON - He's not an abuser! He just suggested that Ryan abuse you. Big difference.

BRIANA WOLFSMITH CULBERSON  - I've spent enough time with toothless Ned Beatty to know I don't like him.

VICKI GUNVALSON - You've only met him twice!

BRIANA WOLFSMITH CULBERSON  -  Exactly! Wait, where's Troy? 

VICKI GUNVALSON - If you're going to be a Gunvalson mother, you've really got to learn to let your infants wander around and rub up against knives.

At Shannon's dinner party...

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - We should do shots, even though I'm not much of a drinker. I mean, there was that time in Cabo. And at my gym opening. And at Heather's name change party. And just about every day that I draw breath.

SHANNON BEADOR - Ok, here goes.**pours comically large vodka shot**

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE  - There's more liquid in that than in Heather's face!

HEATHER DUBROW -  Excuse me, it's hyaluronic acid. Get it right.

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE  - Geez, somebody needs to get the stick out of her likely-surgically-modified-in-some-way ass.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Hey, I have a great idea out of my own brain that was not suggested by the producers - everybody could come to my house for Thanksgiving! If you're willing to go inland, of course.

DAVID BEADOR - **100% obviously joking** Inland, ew.


**awkward silence** 

SHANNON BEADOR -  Beef, anyone?


EDDIE JUDGE - Great weather we're having, huh?

HEATHER DUBROW - Your wife wants to have a baby with you because she only gets to see her kids half the time. She cries about it everyday. Bye!


Heather and Terry ride in a limo home...

TERRY DUBROW - What's wrong?

HEATHER DUBROW - You'll just say I'm too sensitive, like that time I had to be committed to the psych ward after the Ocean Club overcooked my salmon.

TERRY DUBROW - Of course not. Tell me what's bothering you and I'll inject a vial when we get home.

HEATHER DUBROW -  I heard Tamra say.... I heard her say... that I had a stick up my rear end!

TERRY DUBROW - You don't need them, Heather. Just think about the time we met, when your only criteria for a mate was that he be Jewish and cut people up for money.

HEATHER DUBROW - Ok. **thinks** Nah, it's not helping.

Tamra and Heather meet for strip mall sushi...

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE  - What's the occasion? Did Collette finally murder your other kids?

HEATHER DUBROW - No. I'm here to tell you that you and Vicki interrupt me all the time and talk about slender branches in my orifices, and I don't like it.

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE  - Well, you always give us interesting facts, like the names of trees and appropriate wine temperatures. This is Orange County - we don't like learning things here!


TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE  - Me too. **sips her water** Wait, that's it? You didn't hide Gretchen to pop out and throw ugly purses at me?


TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE  - You are so getting kicked off next season.


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