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| Countess Luann |
In the Hamptons...
AVIVA DRESCHER - Luann, you've got to pick a side. Carole, who resembles Lucy the first discovered human, or me, who is cool and stuff.
COUNTESS LUANN - I don't choose sides. Except my good one when shooting a music video, am I right? **nudges Sonja**
SONJA MORGAN - See, that's why I opted not to marry one of my many royal suitors, including the Burger King mascot in Times Square. Sonja's gotta be Sonja!
COUNTESS LUANN - Sonja's gotta be a BITCH. Oh, look. I picked a side.
Carole works on redesigning her apartment...
CAROLE RADZIWILL - I'm a swinging single, looking to design a swinging bachelorette pad!
CONTRACTOR - Ma'am, would you like us to install a ramp for when walking up stairs gets difficult in a few years?
COUNTESS LUANN - Get the fuck outta here.**they leave**
At David Burke Townehouse...
SONJA MORGAN - Waiter, I'll have a penis aged 23 years.
WAITER - Excuse me, Ms. Morgan?
SONJA MORGAN - Er, I meant a pinot aged 23 years! You see, I'm meeting my boyfriend here tonight.
WAITER - I see.
SONJA MORGAN - He's very young and very hot. What can I say? It's hard to resist a menopausal destitute eccentric.
three hours later...
SONJA MORGAN - **calls home** Pickles? **listens** It's Ms. Morgan, goddamnit. I don't pay you in hot water to have you address me as Sonja. Have there been any messages? No?!?
WAITER - Would you like the check, Ms. Morgan?
SONJA MORGAN - No. I meant to take up a huge table in the middle of an empty restaurant all by myself.
WAITER - Was that... sarcastic?
SONJA MORGAN - Nope. Say, how old are you?
WAITER - 30.
SONJA MORGAN - That will be all, thank you.
Kristen meets with her modeling agent...
AGENT - Mom Jeans Magazine called. They're not interested.
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Not even Mom Jeans Magazine? But I can push my stomach out to resemble a FUPA if I really try... See???
AGENT - Sorry. In this town, you're considered over the hill. Like, Carole Radziwill over the hill.
KRISTEN TAEKMAN -So what can I do?
AGENT - My suggestion is to move to Milwaukee.
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - **stabs herself repeatedly**
AGENT - It was just a suggestion!
At the spa...
SONJA MORGAN - I got stood up by my boyfriend! Guess I was too much Sonja for him to handle.
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Or it could have been a good old-fashioned dry vagina that did the trick.
RAMONA SINGER - It's because I called his mother. She said he would leave the Xbox on at night so she'd think he was still in his room!
SONJA MORGAN - Aw. He loves Xbox. And Capri Sun.
RAMONA SINGER - He's too young for you, bro!
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Sounds like you're a little jealous, Ramona.
RAMONA SINGER - Jealous? With this ass? **tosses champagne at Kristen**
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Only my husband gets to treat me that way. **tosses water at Ramona**
RAMONA SINGER My curls! My sad limp curls!
SONJA MORGAN - My hair looks better than that shit, and I'm homeless.
THE END.
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