Saturday, May 3, 2014

The Challenge: Free Agents Recap, Episode 4 - "Inadequate"

Zach Nichols Ball

At the beach...

ZACH NICHOLS - Who is that hideous giantess with locks of spun wheat?!?! GET HER AWAY FROM ME!

DEVYN SIMONE - That's a picture of you posted on a large ball. It's not a real person.


TJ LAVIN - Take a good look at yourselves, folks. Every blackhead, every stray hardened piece of mucus, every lady whisker you forgot to pluck.

COHUTTA GRINDSTAFF - You have the ability to make the human face really unappealing.

TJ LAVIN -  It's a gift. You guys are going to get inside these balls -

JOHNNY BANANAS - Wait for it, wait for it...

TJ LAVIN - Sorry, there's no sexual innuendo anyone can make about BEING INSIDE BALLS.

LEROY GARRETT - I bet Dustin could figure it out.

TJ LAVIN - Anywho, you are going to get inside these balls and the first one to score a goal inside their ball, wins. Go ahead and select your teams.

PRESTON ROBERSON-CHARLES -  After my performance standing on a plank last week, I can understand if the team captains want to tickle fight for the honor of having me be the first person on their team.

**An hour later**

CARA MARIA, TEAM CAPTAIN - And Preston, I guess.


The game begins...

ZACH NICHOLS -  Isaac, remember when you swam inside a household aquarium in Sydney? Use that obnoxious birth-defect-like craziness to bring us a win!

ISAAC STOUT - Ok! Will do! **uses obnoxious birth-defect-like craziness to lose**

PRESTON ROBERSON-CHARLES - Oh god, I see Jordan being accosted by women on all sides. That's my worst nightmare! **saves Jordan**

TJ LAVIN - Great job, Red Team. Use your power tonight to send home someone who makes fun of your sex noises.

LAUREL STUCKEY - Oh, we will.

In Jordan and Laurel's bunk...

JORDAN WISELEY - I want to send Aneesa home.

LAUREL STUCKEY - Me too. She said I look like a man when I'm having sex. Having 50% male reproductive organs does not a man make, ok?

JORDAN WISELEY - Don't tell anyone our plans, People In This Room Who Happen To Be Overhearing Us And To Whom We Were Probably Rude To At Some Point.

Jessica tells Aneesa...

JESSICA MCCAIN - Jordan and Laurel want to send you home.

ANEESA FERREIRA - Those monkey-sex-sounding fuck heads.

JESSICA MCCAIN - But don't tell anyone I told you.

ANEESA FERREIRA - Of course not. Never.

Aneesa confronts Jordan...

ANEESA FERREIRA - Jessica told me you guys want to send me home.

JORDAN WISELEY - Er, um, Laurel wants to send you home. I'm the cool one. Jess, what the fuck.

JESSICA MCCAIN -  Sorry, bro.

JORDAN WISELEY - You can't go against me! You're, like, a dork in the high school world that is the Challenge!

JESSICA MCCAIN -  You fell off a log! I did not fall off a log!

ANEESA FERREIRA - Speaking of logs, Jordan, have some decency and flush after you use the toilet. Jesus christ. **fans hands in front of nose**

At the selection ceremony...

LAUREL STUCKEY - Everybody vote for Aneesa, ok? Jordan and I are the Regina, and you are all the girls in wheelchairs with holes cut in the boob-area of your tank tops.

JOHNNY BANANAS - I vote Latoya.


JORDAN WISELEY - Ok, fine. Latoya.

LATOYA JACKSON - Add another to the list of Black Woman Who Hate Jordan.

Zach pulls kill card in the arena....

ZACH NICHOLS - Do we even need to bother?

BRANDON NELSON - I mean... not really. Thanks a lot, Swift.

BRANDON SWIFT - I'm sorry. I just wanted people to like me.

BRANDON NELSON - The scarves aren't doing you any favors in that department, asshole.

Cara Maria pulls kill card in the arena again...

CARA MARIA SORBELLO - FUCK GOD. FUCK HIM HARD IN THE TUCHUS. **wins against Latoya** Ok, I take that back.


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