Saturday, April 26, 2014

The Challenge: Free Agents Recap, Episode 3 - "You Be Illin'"


At the house...

NANY GONZALEZ - Weird Tree Nymph, will you marry me?

COHUTTA GRINDSTAFF -  Yes, Wild Honeysuckle Blossom.

ANEESA FERREIRA - I now pronounce you the most mismatched couple on The Challenge since Big Easy and Devyn. **they kiss**

CT TAMBURELLO - Now that the wedding's over, it's time for strippers!

ZACH NICHOLS -  I don't think that's how it works.

CT TAMBURELLO - For the men in my family, it is.

JASMINE REYNAUD -  Time to dust off the ol' naughty school girl uniform. **pole dances**

JOHNNY BANANAS - Something tells me she's done this before.

In the other room....

JOHNNY REILLY - Did somebody call to get their pipes cleaned?

LAUREL STUCKEY - It's stripping, not porn.

JOHNNY REILLY - Oh. Um, did somebody report a cat in a tree?

NANY GONZALEZ - Cmon, there aren't any good waxers in Uruguay. Gimme a break. **Johnny puts his ass in her face, then kisses where his ass had just been**

Frank calls his mom...

FRANK SWEENEY - Mommy, my lungy hurts.

MRS. FRANK'S MOM - So put some cream on it.

FRANK SWEENEY - Useless, just like when I was a kid.

The next day, at the challenge...

TJ LAVIN - Frank, you gotta go. You're contagious.

FRANK SWEENEY  - Are you Ryan White-ing me?

TJ LAVIN - I guess? Bye. **Frank leaves**

PRESTON ROBERSON-CHARLES - Oh god, if I get picked last again, I'm gonna DIE. **gets picked last, dies**

TJ LAVIN - Can somebody clean that up? **PA cleans up Preston** Thanks. Today, you guys are going to hump butts from a high altitude.

COHUTTA GRINDSTAFF - Otherwise known as a Tuesday in Blue Ridge, Georgia.

JORDAN WISELEY - Pshaw, I could do this challenge with one hand. **drops wood** Maybe not.

Camila's team wins, and she must decide who to vote in...

CAMILA NAKAGAWA - Tell me what you'd do for me if I didn't vote you in.

HURRICANE NIA MOORE - I'd consider wearing clothes around the house?

CAMILA NAKAGAWA - Pretty persuasive. Latoya, what would you do for me?

LATOYA JACKSON - I don't know,  but I wouldn't believe Nia if I were you. I don't even think she HAS any clothes.

HURRICANE NIA MOORE - Ok, you got me there. **sucks on thumb**

At the selection ceremony...

TJ LAVIN - Winners of the Hump Butts in High Altitudes Challenge, which woman are you voting in?

CAMILA NAKAGAWA - We'd like to vote in Nia. Latoya's bangs are making it difficult for her to compete or see.

TJ LAVIN - And for the men?

JOHNNY BANANAS - Johnny Reilly. He really should have gone by John. Don't forget what happened to the makers of "Entourage".

The men don't compete, but Cara Maria pulls the kill card...


HURRICANE NIA MOORE - You're goin' down, Captain Jack Sparrow.

TJ LAVIN - I'm going to tie you two together, but let me assure you that it is not for the purpose of stowing away the image in my "spank bank" for those lonely nights in the South American wilderness when the thought of two women connected by a rope in body-hugging fabrics will push me over the edge into ecstasy.

CARA MARIA SORBELLO - Well, that's a relief.

JOHNNY BANANAS - You can do it, Nia! I don't particularly like you, but Cara Maria makes my penis retreat into my body!

HURRICANE NIA MOORE - Thanks for the support, I guess?


HURRICANE NIA MOORE - Are you giving birth to Abram Junior over there?

CARA MARIA SORBELLO - **an hour later**   AHHHH! AHHHH! **rings bell**

HURRICANE NIA MOORE - Well, looks like my arm is going to have to be amputated.

TJ LAVIN - I hope you have insurance.

HURRICANE NIA MOORE - If I had a job that provided insurance, I wouldn't have to be on this piece of shit show.

TJ LAVIN  - Touché.


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