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| Sonja Morgan. |
At Ramona's Hamptons BBQ...
RAMONA SINGER - I heard all about your burlesque. People say it was somewhat "raunchy."
SONJA MORGAN - What?!? What in the tits is raunchy about making the droopy fat on your tuchus swing to and fro for an audience of flappers?
THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESEPPS - Sorry, dear. I must confess that your routine needed a bit of "polish."
SONJA MORGAN - Excuse me?!?! A white lady's improvised sad scat about banking needed "polish"?
RAMONA SINGER - We're just saying that maybe you should, I dunno, practice before you go on stage in front of a paying audience.
SONJA MORGAN - I don't need this. My interns are having a party where I'd be appreciated and loved.
COUNTESS LUANN - Don't they receive college credit to appreciate and love you?
SONJA MORGAN - It's only half a credit. And stop yelling in my ear!
JACQUE - **whispers** I like it when the droopy fat on your tuchus swings to and fro.
SONJA MORGAN - Thank you, French Ross Gellar.
Heather and Carole meet on the beach...
HEATHER THOMSON - There's a surgery that will restore Jax's hearing!
CAROLE RADZIWILL -That's great! So, Aviva still won't let up about my book.
HEATHER THOMSON - He'll be able to stop wearing a hearing aid!
CAROLE RADZIWILL - I mean, bitch, get over it! You're not a real writer!
HEATHER THOMSON - It's a huge step for his health. I love him so much.
CAROLE RADZIWILL - Who even wants to read a book about someone who lost a leg? I saw Forrest Gump, ok? It wasn't that good.
HEATHER THOMSON - I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wouldn't mind losing the ability to hear at this particular moment.
CAROLE RADZIWILL - She's just such an asshole.
Kristen and Aviva meet up with their children at Soap Land...
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Great soaps!
AVIVA DRESCHER - Yep, great soaps!
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - **lowers voice** Don't ever get me involved in your stupid bookgate shit again.
AVIVA DRESCHER - Watch your mouth around the kids. Oh, and shut the fuck up.
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Kids, go look at the great soaps.
AVIVA DRESCHER - You're inserting yourself, which it seems like you have a lot of practice at.
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - EXCUUUUUSE ME? Wait, that doesn't make any sense.
AVIVA DRESCHER - I'm not paid to make sense.
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - You're not paid to do anything!
AVIVA DRESCHER - You know what? We really shouldn't be fighting among all these great soaps.
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - You're right. **lathers up**
At the Singers' Hamptons house...
RAMONA SINGER - Non-tennis shoes on a tennis court? Where were you raised, Kuwait?
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - I just don't play tennis.
RAMONA SINGER - Can't say I'm surprised, crop top.
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - At least I don't RSVP to ten year anniversary parties on rooftops for people named Heather and Jonathan and then not show up.
RAMONA SINGER - I'm not sure I know to what you're referring.
COUNTESS LUANN - Darlings, come play bocce ball!
RAMONA SINGER - I was mature and forgave Aviva after she plied me with alcohol and told me I'm pretty.
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - I guess Heather isn't mature enough to be bribed!
COUNTESS LUANN - Kristen, bocce ball is like bowling, but it's outside on sand.
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - I FUCKING KNOW WHAT BOCCE BALL IS! **Takes a breath** Sorry, Countess.
COUNTESS LUANN - You should really buy my book, Class with the Countess. There's a whole chapter on how to conduct yourself among yard sports -
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Not gonna happen.
Mario talks to Carole at the clambake...
MARIO SINGER - **to Carole** A good cheater never gets caught! PS, meet me under the boardwalk in ten.
RAMONA SINGER - I'm right here, Mario.
MARIO SINGER -What? I was talking about golf! **to Carole** Seriously. There might be a True Faith crucifix in it for you.
HEATHER THOMSON - Carole, you seem to be having a great time at this party! Why don't you come sit on a blanket with your sworn enemy and ruin it?
CAROLE RADZIWILL - UGH, Fine.This is why I get paid $200 an episode, I suppose. **goes to blanket** Hi, Aviva.
AVIVA DRESCHER - Hi. Just so you know, I read The Widow's Guide to Sex and Dating.
CAROLE RADZIWILL - How the fuck did you read it?!? Even my own mother hasn't gotten an advanced copy.
AVIVA DRESCHER - Let's just say I know people. Lots of people, because I'm rich and cool. Oh, and your book was pretty decent, I guess.
CAROLE RADZIWILL - "Pretty decent"?!
AVIVA DRESCHER - Yep. **takes out book**
CAROLE RADZIWILL - Put that shit away. Just like Sonja's tuchus, nobody needs to see that.
AVIVA DRESCHER - I'm just trying to make amends by showing you how well-connected I am to the publishing world and giving a half-hearted review of your life's work.
CAROLE RADZIWILL - I'd rather be fucking Mario Singer under a boardwalk than sitting here with you.
AVIVA DRESCHER - **gasps** I finally realize how deeply you dislike me.
THE END.
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