Wednesday, April 23, 2014

The Real Housewives of New York Recap, Episode 7 - "Fireworks"

Sonja Morgan.

 At Ramona's Hamptons BBQ...

RAMONA SINGER - I heard all about your burlesque. People say it was somewhat "raunchy."

SONJA MORGAN -  What?!? What in the tits is raunchy about making the droopy fat on your tuchus swing to and fro for an audience of flappers?

THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESEPPS - Sorry, dear. I must confess that your routine needed a bit of "polish."

SONJA MORGAN -  Excuse me?!?! A white lady's improvised sad scat about banking needed "polish"?

RAMONA SINGER - We're just saying that maybe you should, I dunno, practice before you go on stage in front of a paying audience.

SONJA MORGAN -  I don't need this. My interns are having a party where I'd be appreciated and loved.

COUNTESS LUANN - Don't they receive college credit to appreciate and love you?

SONJA MORGAN - It's only half a credit. And stop yelling in my ear!

JACQUE - **whispers** I like it when the droopy fat on your tuchus swings to and fro.

SONJA MORGAN - Thank you, French Ross Gellar.

Heather and Carole meet on the beach...

HEATHER THOMSON - There's a surgery that will restore Jax's hearing!

CAROLE RADZIWILL -That's great! So, Aviva still won't let up about my book.

HEATHER THOMSON - He'll be able to stop wearing a hearing aid!

CAROLE RADZIWILL - I mean, bitch, get over it! You're not a real writer!

HEATHER THOMSON - It's a huge step for his health. I love him so much.

CAROLE RADZIWILL - Who even wants to read a book about someone who lost a leg? I saw Forrest Gump, ok? It wasn't that good.  

HEATHER THOMSON - I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wouldn't mind losing the ability to hear at this particular moment.

CAROLE RADZIWILL - She's just such an asshole.

 Kristen and Aviva meet up with their children at Soap Land...

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Great soaps!

AVIVA DRESCHER  - Yep, great soaps!

KRISTEN TAEKMAN -  **lowers voice** Don't ever get me involved in your stupid bookgate shit again.

AVIVA DRESCHER  - Watch your mouth around the kids. Oh, and shut the fuck up.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Kids, go look at the great soaps.

AVIVA DRESCHER  - You're inserting yourself, which it seems like you have a lot of practice at.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - EXCUUUUUSE ME? Wait, that doesn't make any sense.

AVIVA DRESCHER  - I'm not paid to make sense.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - You're not paid to do anything!

AVIVA DRESCHER  - You know what? We really shouldn't be fighting among all these great soaps.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - You're right. **lathers up**

At the Singers' Hamptons house...

RAMONA SINGER - Non-tennis shoes on a tennis court? Where were you raised, Kuwait?

KRISTEN TAEKMAN -  I just don't play tennis.  

RAMONA SINGER - Can't say I'm surprised, crop top.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - At least I don't RSVP to ten year anniversary parties on rooftops for people named Heather and Jonathan and then not show up.

RAMONA SINGER - I'm not sure I know to what you're referring.

COUNTESS LUANN - Darlings, come play bocce ball!

RAMONA SINGER - I was mature and forgave Aviva after she plied me with alcohol and told me I'm pretty.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - I guess Heather isn't mature enough to be bribed!

COUNTESS LUANN - Kristen, bocce ball is like bowling, but it's outside on sand. 

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - I FUCKING KNOW WHAT BOCCE BALL IS! **Takes a breath** Sorry, Countess.

COUNTESS LUANN - You should really buy my book, Class with the Countess. There's a whole chapter on how to conduct yourself among yard sports -

KRISTEN TAEKMAN -  Not gonna happen.

Mario talks to Carole at the clambake...

MARIO SINGER - **to Carole** A good cheater never gets caught! PS, meet me under the boardwalk in ten.

RAMONA SINGER -  I'm right here, Mario. 

MARIO SINGER -What? I was talking about golf! **to Carole** Seriously. There might be a True Faith crucifix in it for you.

HEATHER THOMSON -  Carole, you seem to be having a great time at this party! Why don't you come sit on a blanket with your sworn enemy and ruin it?

CAROLE RADZIWILL - UGH, Fine.This is why I get paid $200 an episode, I suppose. **goes to blanket** Hi, Aviva.

AVIVA DRESCHER - Hi. Just so you know, I read The Widow's Guide to Sex and Dating.

CAROLE RADZIWILL - How the fuck did you read it?!? Even my own mother hasn't gotten an advanced copy.

AVIVA DRESCHER  - Let's just say I know people. Lots of people, because I'm rich and cool. Oh, and your book was pretty decent, I guess. 

CAROLE RADZIWILL - "Pretty decent"?!

AVIVA DRESCHER - Yep. **takes out book**

CAROLE RADZIWILL - Put that shit away. Just like Sonja's tuchus, nobody needs to see that.

AVIVA DRESCHER  - I'm just trying to make amends by showing you how well-connected I am to the publishing world and giving a half-hearted review of your life's work.

CAROLE RADZIWILL - I'd rather be fucking Mario Singer under a boardwalk than sitting here with you.

AVIVA DRESCHER - **gasps** I finally realize how deeply you dislike me.


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