Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Episode 1 - "Hawaii 5 Uh-Oh"

Eddie and Tamra at CUT Fitness

Tamra sits in on Eddie's class at CUT Fitness...

EDDIE JUDGE - And squat. And lean. And purge. And mack.

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - Look at me, Eddie! I wore my hair down to work out!

EDDIE JUDGE - And push. And squeeze. And milk.

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE -  Now I'm wearing a super cool backwards cap!

EDDIE JUDGE - And swerve. And dip. And queef.

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE -  Stop looking at the young thangs! I'm here, I'm your wife!

TAMRA'S SON RYAN - Mom, come quick. Somebody shaved their pubes over the drinking fountain.

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - Motherfucker. **waves desperately to Eddie** Bye, honey!

EDDIE JUDGE - **ignores her** And bounce. And squirt. Uh huh. That's right.

Heather looks at Shannon's house with no intention to purchase...

HEATHER DUBROW - For some reason the producers forced me to look at your Grey Gardens piece of shit that I feel like I should be wearing a Hazmat suit in.

SHANNON BEADER - But we have no wifi, so your brain will feel extra clean. Krispy Kale Fluffer?

HEATHER DUBROW -  No thank you. Ugh, was Clue filmed here?

SHANNON BEADER - No, but it lacks all modern conveniences. So there's that.

HEATHER DUBROW - Wait. Hold the phone. Why are the camera men zooming in on your family portrait? You're just a realtor!

SHANNON BEADER  - But I'm also a Housewife.


SHANNON BEADER  - Almond flour spinach cookie?

Vicki visits Briana and her son Troy...

VICKI GUNVALSON - Well, you've certainly shattered any hopes and dreams I had for you. My daughter, the barefoot military wife Oklahoman.


VICKI GUNVALSON - Believe me, I'm trying to.

BRIANA WOLFSMITH GUNVALSON CULBERT JONES - Oklahoma's like any other place, mom.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Except it sucks. They sent Native Americans there to punish them.


BRIANA WOLFSMITH GUNVALSON CULBERT JONES - Brooks was toothless when you met him.

VICKI GUNVALSON - I'm going to ignore that.

Vicki and Tamra have dinner with Heather in Hawaii...

VICKI GUNVALSON - We're gonna get you to chug that champs and whoop it up, Fancy Pants.

HEATHER DUBROW - Sorry, I'm not interested in urinating on a bed tonight like SOME PEOPLE.

Vicki, Tamra and Heather eat Road Shrimp...

VICKI GUNVALSON - Chlamydia's not a tree, it's a disease.

HEATHER DUBROW - Speaking and existing are not your strong suits, eh?

 Vicki swerves while driving Heather and Tamra in a Jeep...


HEATHER DUBROW - Add driving to the list of things you suck at.

The group takes surfing lessons...

VICKI GUNVALSON - **whispers to Tamra** Am I being too sensitive, or is Heather kind of mean to me?

HEATHER DUBROW - Sylvia Plath yourself, beef face.

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - You're being too sensitive.


No comments:

Post a Comment

web statistics
Wall Street Journal