Wednesday, April 16, 2014

The Real Housewives of New York City Recap, Episode 6 - "Unhappy Anniversary"

Heather Thompson

At Heather's liver party...

COUNTESS LUANN - How was Africa? 

RAMONA SINGER - Amazing.The animal kingdom is full of horny beasts, fuckin' like it's going out of style.

COUNTESS LUANN - Darling, let's talk about something cocktail appropriate. Like... **flushed** Captain Jack Sparrow.


COUNTESS LUANN -  Forget it.

RAMONA SINGER - Where's Aviva?

HEATHER THOMSON -  I hate her now.

RAMONA SINGER - Well, that's rude.

HEATHER THOMSON - Is it? You've told people to their face that they're going to die alone.

RAMONA SINGER -  But I'd never deprive someone of camera time. Er, I meant bonding time.

Heather sits down with Aviva to hash things out...

AVIVA DRESCHER - I'm really VERY dismayed and alarmed. I feel like I've been verbally raped. In the mouth. With a swear penis.

HEATHER THOMSON -  Can you cut the dramatics, Droopy Dog?

AVIVA DRESCHER - Oh, is he one of your rap music associates?

HEATHER THOMSON - No, he's a cartoon character with a shit ton of wrinkles. Vassar, my ass.

AVIVA DRESCHER - Why do you continually insert yourself into situations in which you are not involved?

HEATHER THOMSON - You fuck with Carole, you fuck with me.

AVIVA DRESCHER - Carole is not an innocent party. I will present to you an analogy about childbirth.

HEATHER THOMSON - Because that's the only thing you know anything about? 

AVIVA DRESCHER - Being a full-time mom is just as important as being a full-time worker lady!

HEATHER THOMSON - Hold on, gotta take this. **answers phone** What's that? I'm needed at the office or the Yummy Tummy empire will be in jeopardy?

AVIVA DRESCHER - No, you hold on. I gotta take this. **answers phone** What's that? Harrison broke his leg at soccer practice? Well, have the nanny take him to the hospital. Duh. **hangs up** The help, am I right?

Yolanda Foster and Brandi Glanville meet Carole and Kristen for lunch... 

YOLANDA FOSTER - Thank you girls for feigning a friendship with us so we can be back on TV.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Hey, Kristen and I really are friends! I was at her bachelorette party when she kissed Elvis, and I'm gonna tell you all about it so the whole world and her husband knows!

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Thanks for that. You're a true pal. 

YOLANDA FOSTER - I do not understand this American custom of having fun. Or having friends.


YOLANDA FOSTER - Back off, whore.

After a memorable Ikea trip, Ramona and Sonja chat with their BFF Aviva...

RAMONA SINGER - We won't go to Heather's party without you. We got your back, girlfriend!

SONJA MORGAN - Yeah! Plus, I've got pills and vibrators here. I don't want to leave the house.

AVIVA DRESCHER - You girls are the best. I'm sorry that I called you Anna Nicole Smith and enablers and immature and white trash quite frankly

SONJA MORGAN - You said all that?

RAMONA SINGER - You shouldn't have brought it up. We were really fucked up when you said them the first time.

At Heather and Jonathan's anniversary party...

JOSH TAEKMAN - Bee jays. Bee jays. Bee jays.

HEATHER THOMSON - You're a real life of the party, aren't you? **whispers to Jonathan** Next time, let's be more selective with the guest list.

COUNTESS LUANN - Darling, I have some bad news. Ramona and Sonja are not coming, to show solidarity with Aviva.

HEATHER THOMSON - What?! I brought them special Women-Over-50 Gunt Tamers.

COUNTESS LUANN - I know. But look who IS here! French Ross Gellar!

JACQUE - Oiu oiu. **drops it like it's hot on Heather**


JONATHAN SCHINDLER - I'd like to make an announcement. In honor of my wife and our ten years together, I have procured the internal egg masses from the ovaries of a sturgeon.

HEATHER THOMSON  - Oh hell yeah!  NOW it's a party!

**they have a threesome with Carole later in the evening**


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