Monday, July 30, 2018

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Episode 3 - "Tres Amigas"




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Shannon waits for Vicki and Tamra at the Puerto Vallarta airport...

SHANNON BEADOR - We're in Mexico, and you know what that means!

AIRPORT EMPLOYEE - Appreciation of our rich heritage, and educational visits to important cultural sites? 

SHANNON BEADOR - If by "rich heritage" you mean tequila out of a penis-shaped plastic cup, and by "important cultural sites" you mean rotting dive bars frequented by white people in their fifties. 

AIRPORT EMPLOYEE - Sure. Fuck it. **wipes up their broken glass and urine**


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Kelly and her daughter Jolie get their hair did...

KELLY DODD - So Michael started dating this SLUT—

JOLIE - You mean Dad?

KELLY DODD - Yeah, sure. DAD starting dating this SLUT and it turns out VICKI is the CUNT who set them up!

JOLIE - Kinda nuts.

KELLY DODD - I know, right? FUCKING BITCH. 

JOLIE -  It's pretty bitchy, I guess. 

KELLY DODD - You'd never do that to me. You'd never set Michael up with a SLUT. 

JOLIE - Probably not, because I'm, like, seven. 

KELLY DODD - Can you see my camel toe in these shorts? 

JOLIE - No, mom, I cannot see your camel toe in those shorts. 

KELLY DODD - Hey, why did Helen Keller wear skin tight pants?

JOLIE - So you could read her lips.

KELLY DODD - Huh, I've told you that one before?

JOLIE - Yes. **stares blankly into the mirror**


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At Andales...

TAMRA JUDGE - Shannon, you dress like an old lady. Show some TITTIES!

SHANNON BEADOR - Okay! **lifts her shirt**

TAMRA JUDGE - Mmmm... maybe don't show some titties. 


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Back at the resort in Puerto Vallarta...

TAMRA JUDGE - Oh, Vickiiiii... We're hottubbing naaaaaakeeeeeed.

VICKI GUNVALSON - You know I can't! Steve Lodge, brother of Roger Lodge, threatened me with an insulting Thought Bubble!

TAMRA JUDGE - What's the worse it could say? "These waves are not from the Jacuzzi jets, but from the frijoles negros in my taco combo platter?" 

VICKI GUNVALSON -  Eh, he's not clever enough to come up with that. 

SHANNON BEADOR - Brooks would never threaten you with a fart-themed Thought Bubble.

VICKI GUNVALSON - You're right **starts to cry** Tamra, Shannon, I miss our friendship, and the way we used to—

TAMRA JUDGE - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! NAKED HOT TUB FOOT INJURY!!!!!

SHANNON BEADOR - No bueno. 

AIRPORT EMPLOYEE - This is what happens when you ignore rich heritage, and important cultural sites. 

TAMRA JUDGE - Where the fuck did you come from? 

AIRPORT EMPLOYEE - I float like a soft breeze off of Playa Olas Altas. I slither through the trees like a serpiente de liga.  

TAMRA JUDGE - Ok, enough, dude.  

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At a park in Orange County, the two new housewives "bond"...

GINA KIRSCHENHEITER - Being a mom is so hard, right?

EMILY SIMPSON - Sooooooooo hard.

**silence, other than the sounds of children playing**

GINA KIRSCHENHEITER - Do we have the same fate as every other woman on this show who had children under five?

EMILY SIMPSON -  I'm afraid so. 



THE END. 










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