Shannon waits for Vicki and Tamra at the Puerto Vallarta airport...
SHANNON BEADOR - We're in Mexico, and you know what that means!
AIRPORT EMPLOYEE - Appreciation of our rich heritage, and educational visits to important cultural sites?
SHANNON BEADOR - If by "rich heritage" you mean tequila out of a penis-shaped plastic cup, and by "important cultural sites" you mean rotting dive bars frequented by white people in their fifties.
AIRPORT EMPLOYEE - Sure. Fuck it. **wipes up their broken glass and urine**
Kelly and her daughter Jolie get their hair did...
KELLY DODD - So Michael started dating this SLUT—
JOLIE - You mean Dad?
KELLY DODD - Yeah, sure. DAD starting dating this SLUT and it turns out VICKI is the CUNT who set them up!
JOLIE - Kinda nuts.
KELLY DODD - I know, right? FUCKING BITCH.
JOLIE - It's pretty bitchy, I guess.
KELLY DODD - You'd never do that to me. You'd never set Michael up with a SLUT.
JOLIE - Probably not, because I'm, like, seven.
KELLY DODD - Can you see my camel toe in these shorts?
JOLIE - No, mom, I cannot see your camel toe in those shorts.
KELLY DODD - Hey, why did Helen Keller wear skin tight pants?
JOLIE - So you could read her lips.
KELLY DODD - Huh, I've told you that one before?
JOLIE - Yes. **stares blankly into the mirror**
At Andales...
TAMRA JUDGE - Shannon, you dress like an old lady. Show some TITTIES!
SHANNON BEADOR - Okay! **lifts her shirt**
TAMRA JUDGE - Mmmm... maybe don't show some titties.
Back at the resort in Puerto Vallarta...
TAMRA JUDGE - Oh, Vickiiiii... We're hottubbing naaaaaakeeeeeed.
VICKI GUNVALSON - You know I can't! Steve Lodge, brother of Roger Lodge, threatened me with an insulting Thought Bubble!
TAMRA JUDGE - What's the worse it could say? "These waves are not from the Jacuzzi jets, but from the frijoles negros in my taco combo platter?"
VICKI GUNVALSON - Eh, he's not clever enough to come up with that.
SHANNON BEADOR - Brooks would never threaten you with a fart-themed Thought Bubble.
VICKI GUNVALSON - You're right **starts to cry** Tamra, Shannon, I miss our friendship, and the way we used to—
TAMRA JUDGE - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! NAKED HOT TUB FOOT INJURY!!!!!
SHANNON BEADOR - No bueno.
AIRPORT EMPLOYEE - This is what happens when you ignore rich heritage, and important cultural sites.
TAMRA JUDGE - Where the fuck did you come from?
AIRPORT EMPLOYEE - I float like a soft breeze off of Playa Olas Altas. I slither through the trees like a serpiente de liga.
TAMRA JUDGE - Ok, enough, dude.
At a park in Orange County, the two new housewives "bond"...
GINA KIRSCHENHEITER - Being a mom is so hard, right?
EMILY SIMPSON - Sooooooooo hard.
**silence, other than the sounds of children playing**
GINA KIRSCHENHEITER - Do we have the same fate as every other woman on this show who had children under five?
EMILY SIMPSON - I'm afraid so.
THE END.
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