Friday, November 23, 2018

Real Housewives of Orange County Season 13, Episode 18 - "Femme Finale"




Emily picks her mother up from the airport... 

EMILY SIMPSON - Well, Mom, now that you're out of the CRAZY HOSPITAL™ I'm really excited for you to meet the boys for the very first time.

EMILY'S MOM - I met them the second they came out of your sister's vagina.

EMILY - God, what I wouldn't give for my daughter to have a sister who could push my daughter's children out of her vagina just like me and my sister.

EMILY'S MOM - You know, they have double rooms at the therapy center.

EMILY SIMPSON - You mean CRAZY HOSPITAL™ **smiles at camera**.

EMILY'S MOM - Sure. 


Emily Simpson's Mom Sees Her Grandkids for the First Time in a While

Emily's mom arrives at the Simpson non-casita...

EMILY SIMPSON - Welcome to the Femme Fatale party where we celebrate mothers even though the Wikipedia page of Femme Fatale explicitly states that femme fatales rejected motherhood.

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - In a way, I rejected motherhood. Look at how Ryan turned out.

RYAN BARNEY JUDGE VIETH - Mom, I'm right here. Me and my nugget tattoo are right here.

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - I thought I told you never to call me that in public.

EMILY SIMPSON - Come, have some slut-themed jalapeno poppers.

SHANE SIMPSON - Hi, CRAZY MOM™. **gives awkward side hug to Emily's mom** 

EMILY'S MOM - Is it possible to be more than 100% gay?

SHANE SIMPSON - Hey, it's not gay if you looked at pictures of Edward Cullen to provide your sperm sample. He's a vampire and, therefore, not really a man or woman.

EMILY'S MOM - I wish I was back in therapy, where things were a little more cut and dry.

EMILY SIMPSON - You mean CRAZY HOSPITAL™ **smiles at camera**.



Gina Kirschenheiter Is Wearing Her Baby-Making Boots Tonight

On the lanai... 

GINA KIRSCHENHEITER - I've worn these boots twice in my life. Once to make Tierra Crabgrass, and once to make lasagna for my parents. 


SHANNON BEADOR - I hate to interrupt, but I need to have a word with you and Emily before I go to the BRET MICHAELS CONCERT. 


**silence** 


SHANNON BEADOR - Please, hold the cupcakes, because I'm going to the BRET MICHAELS CONCERT and he has diabetes. 


**silence** 


SHANNON BEADOR - On second thought, don't hold the cupcakes. **stuffs three in her mouth** 


GINA KIRSCHENHEITER - Cut to the chase, Shannon. I have a casita to sadly sit in. 


SHANNON BEADOR - **swallows** Ok. Emily, I think it's crap that you're telling people that I'm mentally ill when you told Kelly you were going to kill her TWICE. 


KELLY DODD - To be fair, twice is low for me.


SHANNON BEADOR - I'd love to keep fighting, but I must be off. To the BRET MICHAELS CONCERT. 


**silence**


SHANNON BEADOR - Rock of Love Bus? Rock of Love Bus II? Anybody? 

**silence**

SHANNON BEADOR - Fuck ALL OF YOU. 





The season wraps up... 


VICKI GUNVALSON - Time for that soothing acoustic music and a where-are-they-now update that says I am engaged to Steve. 


STEVE LODGE - Yeah, about that... 


VICKI GUNVALSON - Oh nooooo. 


STEVE LODGE - But, the lower half of your face looks sooooo cool. Really, um, taut. And, uh, glib. 


KELLY DODD - I think what he's trying to say is that you have an MBA. Mandible of Big-time Attraction. 


VICKI GUNVALSON - I'll take it.



 THE END.



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