Dolores calls her ex...
DOLORES CATANIA - Frank, I need you to come back from Florida and fix this hole.
FRANK CATANIA - I figured that hole closed up from disuse.
DOLORES CATANIA - Frank, I'm talking about the hole in the WALL.
FRANK CATANIA - Can't. I'm busy being in Florida not practicing law.
DOLORES CATANIA - **calls her son** I really need someone to help me with this hole.
FRANKIE - I figured that hole closed from disuse.
DOLORES CATANIA - I can take jokes about my dusty vagina from my ex, but not from my son. My smart, accomplished, sexy, bright, sexy son.
FRANKIE - Wait, what?
DOLORES CATANIA - God, I'm so lonely.
 |
TERESA' S TRAINER - Keep up those lat pulls, and you'll be Mrs. Tristate Bikini Dicklet 2018!
TERESA GIUDICE - Ok! I wonder how I compare to the 2017 Mrs. Tristate Bikini Dicklet?
TRAINER - You're looking at her.
TERESA GIUDICE - **gasps**
TRAINER - That's right. A clean diet, intense exercise, and hourly shots of steroids in the tuchus.
TERESA GIUDICE - Joe doesn't know I'm doing this competition. He's in jail.
TRAINER - So he's very accustomed to hourly shots in the tuchus.
TERESA GIUDICE - No, the jail doesn't allow unprescribed medications.
TRAINER - Good thing they scrapped the "Comprehension of Double Entendre" portion of the competition in 2011.
At the Gorga estate...
JOE GORGA - Antonia, help your mother set the table.
ANTONIA - What about Joey? What about the other brother who has a mustache despite being seven?
JOE GORGA - Only women clean and cook. Just like only men open fast-casual strip-mall pasta places that close after three months.
MELISSA GORGA - I wish I could become a modern woman, but I just can't imagine not taking orders from a man who sprays on his hair.
JOEY - **throws his dinner at the wall** I said no red sauce, you fucking bitch!!!
JOE GORGA - Antonia, help your mother clean that up.
At Melissa's birthday party at Rails Steakhouse...
MARGARET JOSEPHS - So then I says to Joe, get me some coffee! And he ends up eating cake before he even brings up the coffee!
DANIELLE STAUB - HA! You two! It's like that time I had sex in the bathroom at Joe Gorga's fast-casual strip-mall pasta place that closed after three months.
MARGARET JOSEPHS - Sort of, I guess?
DOLORES CATANIA - **to Danielle** Get the fuck out of here.
DANIELLE STAUB - Ok. **leaves**
DOLORES CATANIA - Margaret, I want to say I'm sorry. I think we should be friends.
MARGARET JOSEPHS - This isn't because you're so lonely that you've started coming on your son?
DOLORES CATANIA - I mean, it probably is.
MELISSA GORGA - Everybody, I have an announcement. It's time to say goodbye to 38, and to my third nose. **throws cake on the ground**
SIGGY FLICKER - **runs out from the kitchen** How dare you waste cake?! MY FATHER IS A HOLOCAUST SURVIVOR!!!! **attacks Melissa**
JOE GORGA - Antonia, help your mother clean that up.
THE END.
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