Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Season 9 Episode 1 - "Wives and Dismeanors"

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Dolores calls her ex...

DOLORES CATANIA - Frank, I need you to come back from Florida and fix this hole.

FRANK CATANIA - I figured that hole closed up from disuse.

DOLORES CATANIA -  Frank,  I'm talking about the hole in the WALL.

FRANK CATANIA -  Can't. I'm busy being in Florida not practicing law.

DOLORES CATANIA -  **calls her son** I really need someone to help me with this hole.

FRANKIE - I figured that hole closed from disuse.

DOLORES CATANIA - I can take jokes about my dusty vagina from my ex, but not from my son. My smart, accomplished, sexy, bright, sexy son.

FRANKIE - Wait, what?

DOLORES CATANIA - God, I'm so lonely.



Teresa Giudice's Intense Workout Routine

Teresa works out at the gym...

TERESA' S TRAINER - Keep up those lat pulls, and you'll be Mrs. Tristate Bikini Dicklet 2018!

TERESA GIUDICE - Ok! I wonder how I compare to the 2017 Mrs. Tristate Bikini Dicklet?

TRAINER - You're looking at her.

TERESA GIUDICE - **gasps**

TRAINER - That's right. A clean diet, intense exercise, and hourly shots of steroids in the tuchus.

TERESA GIUDICE - Joe doesn't know I'm doing this competition. He's in jail.

TRAINER - So he's very accustomed to hourly shots in the tuchus.

TERESA GIUDICE - No, the jail doesn't allow unprescribed medications.

TRAINER - Good thing they scrapped the "Comprehension of Double Entendre" portion of the competition in 2011.




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At the Gorga estate...

JOE GORGA - Antonia, help your mother set the table.

ANTONIA - What about Joey? What about the other brother who has a mustache despite being seven?

JOE GORGA -  Only women clean and cook. Just like only men open fast-casual strip-mall pasta places that close after three months.

MELISSA GORGA - I wish I could become a modern woman, but I just can't imagine not taking orders from a man who sprays on his hair.

JOEY - **throws his dinner at the wall** I said no red sauce, you fucking bitch!!!

JOE GORGA - Antonia, help your mother clean that up.



At Melissa's birthday party at Rails Steakhouse...

MARGARET JOSEPHS - So then I says to Joe, get me some coffee! And he ends up eating cake before he even brings up the coffee!

DANIELLE STAUB - HA! You two! It's like that time I had sex in the bathroom at Joe Gorga's fast-casual strip-mall pasta place that closed after three months.

MARGARET JOSEPHS - Sort of, I guess?

DOLORES CATANIA - **to Danielle** Get the fuck out of here.

DANIELLE STAUB - Ok. **leaves**

DOLORES CATANIA - Margaret, I want to say I'm sorry. I think we should be friends.

MARGARET JOSEPHS - This isn't because you're so lonely that you've started coming on your son?

DOLORES CATANIA - I mean, it probably is.

MELISSA GORGA - Everybody, I have an announcement. It's time to say goodbye to 38, and to my third nose. **throws cake on the ground**

SIGGY FLICKER - **runs out from the kitchen** How dare you waste cake?! MY FATHER IS A HOLOCAUST SURVIVOR!!!!  **attacks Melissa**

JOE GORGA - Antonia, help your mother clean that up.


THE END.




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