Thursday, November 12, 2020

The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Season 15, Episode 4 - "An Unexpected Guest"

Kelly Dodd and Braunwyn Windham Burke go dress shopping... 

BRAUNWYN WINDHAM BURKE - Hello, I'm here to buy a dress for my vow renewal.

DRESS SHOP LADY - A vow renewal. So in six-months you'll be back buying something slutty for blind dates on Tinder.

KELLY DODD -  Wow, that's a rude thing for a dress shop lady to say. **under breath** And so, so accurate.

BRAUNWYN - This marriage will last. Unlike ghosts of housewives past, my husband eats ass. 

KELLY DODD -  Ugh, gross! **after a second** But I'm listening...

BRAUNWYN -  Well, after a long hot shower, Sean puts me on the bed, and then - 

DRESS SHOP LADY  - **tries to interrupts** Hey who likes organza!? 

BRAUNWYN -  Oh, an organza happens, alright. Sean does something extra special, and it involves - 

DRESS SHOP LADY  -**tries to interrupt again** How about crêpe?

BRAUNWYN - Oh, none of that. I do a full preparation before the act, if you catch my drift.  

DRESS SHOP LADY  - **holds up a dress**  Muslin?

BRAUNWYN - No, we're Jews. I don't know how they feel about the whole thing. 


**stunned silence**

DRESS SHOP LADY  - Ahem. Taffeta is lovely this time of year. 

Gina Kirschenheiter welcomes her ex-husband Matt to their daughter's birthday party...

MATT - Hey, I'm here with the much hotter woman I left you for.

MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - Aw, I don't know about much hotter. I like those poof balls on your sweater, Gina.

GINA - Thanks. Nice to see you both.

MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - My Nana had something like that in the 80s. 

SIENNA - **runs to Matt** DADDY!!!!! You're here!!!!!

GINA - Wow, I never get a greeting like that.

MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - It must be because when she sees him it reminds her how much bigger our house is. 

MATT - Nah, I think it has something to do with Gina's hair extensions. Their looseness reminds the kids of impermanence.

GINA - Can I get you guys anything? Soda? Wine?

MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - I stopped drinking wine after your DUI. Was turned off the sauce for good once I saw how sad that whole thing was. 

GINA - **whispers to her boyfriend Travis** Can you, like, help me out here? They're shitting all over me!

TRAVIS - I'm just here for the free Funfetti. **strokes his very dark beard**

Elizabeth Vargas has Shannon Beador and Gina 
Kirschenheiter over for lunch...

 ELIZABETH - Welcome to my humble abode!

SHANNON - Beachfront, huh? In my day the beach had too many damn hippies. Rich folk stayed inland.

ELIZABETH - Huh. Well, I bought you guys lunch!

SHANNON - Whole Foods? I only shop at Bristol Farms. 

ELIZABETH - Whole Foods is just closer, now that my Ferrari is in the shop. 

SHANNON -  My mother had a Ferrari.

GINA - Using your dead mother for a one-up is a new one. 

SHANNON -  What? She did! 

ELIZABETH - Do you have some kind of issue with me, Shannon? 

SHANNON'S DAUGTHER, SOPHIE - Hi, just passing by on my way to Baylor University. Her issue is that her new boyfriend is poor, and this makes her feel better about it.


Braunwyn Burke-Windham's son Jacob tries on dresses for the family...

JACOB - What do you guys think?

BRAUNWYN - You look beautiful.

SEAN - Stunning.

ROWAN - Breathtaking.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Jesus doesn't like this. Boys should be boys and girls should be girls. 

BRAUNWYN - Where the fuck did you come from?

VICKI GUNVALSON - I appear whenever something that doesn't follow strict gender guidelines happens in Orange County. 

BRAUNWYN - Didn't you support every man you've every been with financially?

VICKI GUNVALSON - That's different, because I did it.

JACOB - Vicki, can you kindly leave our house now?

VICKI GUNVALSON - Yes, but just remember that Jesus loves you, until he doesn't.

SEAN - We're Jews.

VICKI GUNVALSON - They have those here? 


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