Saturday, November 14, 2020

Love After Lockup Recap, Season 3, Episode 18 - "99 Problems and an Ex is One"

Kristianna hangs with her family and John...

KRISTIANNA - Here we are, on day three of talking about whether to turn myself in. 

KRISTIANNA'S SISTER - Can we wrap this up and get your ass back to jail? Maury's on.

KRISTIANNA'S MOM - You got your own Maury show right here, in this house. **starts to chant** Maury! Maury! Maury! **coughs**

KRISTIANNA - Ma, you know the doctor told you chanting's not safe.

JOHN - I can tell you a little something about chanting. You see, in the Native American tradition, one must - 

KRISTIANNA'S SISTER - Oh christ. Just kill me. 

Scott busts in on Lindsey and Tara Belle hooking up in the attic...

SCOTT - Hey! I was just joking when I said no scissoring up in the attic!

TARA BELLE - Meaning you really wanted us to scissor? 

SCOTT - Meaning I didn't think you'd really do it!

LINDSEY - I was in prison for six years. What the fuck do you think we do in there?

SCOTT - I dunno. Make collect calls to the one and only man you love while staring at his shirtless photograph.


SCOTT - Rude. 

Dylan's mom Paula visits him at his new apartment...

DYLAN - Great news. I've got an amazing new job approaching people at the mall and asking them if they've ever considered alternative energy sources.

PAULA - Eh, I think I'd rather you sell drugs.

DYLAN - Check it out. I made you steak for dinner, with some wine. 

PAULA  - Damn. This is even better than a night out at O'Charley's. 

DYLAN - Only the best for my main girl.

PAULA  -   So Heather's out of the picture?

DYLAN - She recklessly drove down the street and out of my life forever.

PAULA  -   What about the aunt in the tie-dye cold shoulder shirt? 

DYLAN - Bitch, bye. 

PAULA  - Glad to see you've finally established some healthy boundaries in your life. And Aunt Diane?

DYLAN - Still talking every day. **phone rings** Hello? Yes, I saw it. **giggles** Bazinga, am I right? HA! **giggles again** Totally. 

PAULA  - Hello?

DYLAN - Oh, sorry. AD was just checking in over last night's episode of Young Sheldon. More pinot? 

Before Jessica and Maurice's wedding...

JESSICA - Do you think sis is going to show up?

JESSICA'S MOM - I don't think she'd miss your wedding for all the tea in China.

JESSICA - Mom, Maurice isn't Chinese. He's black.  

JESSICA'S SISTER  - I'm here! 

JESSICA - I knew it! I'd knew you'd make it! **phone rings**

MAURICE **broken down on the side of the road** Yeah, I'm not gonna make it.

JESSICA'S MOM - I guess one out of two ain't bad. 

Destinie and Shawn meet at a diner with the baby mama of his six children Kelly... 

SHAWN - I'm so happy we can all be together for the sake of those six beautiful little accidents. 

KELLY - **to the waitress** I'll have the eggs florentine.

DESTINIE - Pffft, eggs florentine? What kinda bitch order eggs florentine?

KELLY - An Italian bitch, BITCH!

DESTINIE - Well, arrivederci, because you won't be talking to Shawn any time soon! 

KELLY - We don't need to talk to FUCK, prison ho! 

SHAWN - Well, this is going better than I thought it would, to be honest. **takes a bite of his Slammin' Salami n' Eggs Skillet**


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