KRISTIANNA - Here we are, on day three of talking about whether to turn myself in.
KRISTIANNA'S SISTER - Can we wrap this up and get your ass back to jail? Maury's on.
KRISTIANNA'S MOM - You got your own Maury show right here, in this house. **starts to chant** Maury! Maury! Maury! **coughs**
KRISTIANNA - Ma, you know the doctor told you chanting's not safe.
JOHN - I can tell you a little something about chanting. You see, in the Native American tradition, one must -
KRISTIANNA'S SISTER - Oh christ. Just kill me.
Scott busts in on Lindsey and Tara Belle hooking up in the attic...
SCOTT - Hey! I was just joking when I said no scissoring up in the attic!
TARA BELLE - Meaning you really wanted us to scissor?
SCOTT - Meaning I didn't think you'd really do it!
LINDSEY - I was in prison for six years. What the fuck do you think we do in there?
SCOTT - I dunno. Make collect calls to the one and only man you love while staring at his shirtless photograph.
TARA BELLE AND LINDSEY - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
SCOTT - Rude.
Dylan's mom Paula visits him at his new apartment...
DYLAN - Great news. I've got an amazing new job approaching people at the mall and asking them if they've ever considered alternative energy sources.
PAULA - Eh, I think I'd rather you sell drugs.
DYLAN - Check it out. I made you steak for dinner, with some wine.
PAULA - Damn. This is even better than a night out at O'Charley's.
DYLAN - Only the best for my main girl.
PAULA - So Heather's out of the picture?
DYLAN - She recklessly drove down the street and out of my life forever.
PAULA - What about the aunt in the tie-dye cold shoulder shirt?
DYLAN - Bitch, bye.
PAULA - Glad to see you've finally established some healthy boundaries in your life. And Aunt Diane?
DYLAN - Still talking every day. **phone rings** Hello? Yes, I saw it. **giggles** Bazinga, am I right? HA! **giggles again** Totally.
PAULA - Hello?
DYLAN - Oh, sorry. AD was just checking in over last night's episode of Young Sheldon. More pinot?
Before Jessica and Maurice's wedding...
JESSICA - Do you think sis is going to show up?
JESSICA'S MOM - I don't think she'd miss your wedding for all the tea in China.
JESSICA - Mom, Maurice isn't Chinese. He's black.
JESSICA'S SISTER - I'm here!
JESSICA - I knew it! I'd knew you'd make it! **phone rings**
MAURICE - **broken down on the side of the road** Yeah, I'm not gonna make it.
JESSICA'S MOM - I guess one out of two ain't bad.
SHAWN - I'm so happy we can all be together for the sake of those six beautiful little accidents.
KELLY - **to the waitress** I'll have the eggs florentine.
DESTINIE - Pffft, eggs florentine? What kinda bitch order eggs florentine?
KELLY - An Italian bitch, BITCH!
DESTINIE - Well, arrivederci, because you won't be talking to Shawn any time soon!
KELLY - We don't need to talk to FUCK, prison ho!
SHAWN - Well, this is going better than I thought it would, to be honest. **takes a bite of his Slammin' Salami n' Eggs Skillet™**
THE END.
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