Thursday, November 19, 2020

The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Season 15, Episode 5 - "The Vow Renewal"

Braunwyn Windham-Burke visits her mother Doctor Deb's new home in Palm Springs..

DOCTOR DEB - And this is the garden, in which we have bastardized sacred Buddhist principles so as to appear "Zen."

BRAUNWYN - I haven't been feeling so Zen lately. I gave up drinking.

DOCTOR DEB -  I heard. And so has the entire former cast of this show, after a mass email from me. Peggy Sulahian sends her love.

BRAUNWYN -  Jeez, if I wasn't worried enough about people not liking me anymore, now I have to worry about getting a text from Alexis Bellino. 

DOCTOR DEB -  Don't be worried. I can confirm that people for sure don't like you anymore. 

BRAUNWYN - Way to exploit my darkest fears.

DOCTOR DEB - C'mon, BoringWind. Finish your matcha and stop being such a spiritually-weak little beyotch. 

BRAUNWYN - I really despise you.  

DOCTOR DEB - You are SO not invited to The Playa this year. 

The ladies take a bus to Palm Springs for Braunwyn's vow renewal...

ELIZABETH VARGAS - Sorry I'm late. Was with my lawyers trying to figure out whether the private jet should just have my ex-husband's initials monogramed into the headrests, or both of ours. 

GINA KIRSCHENHEITER -  Luckily you have Jimmy to comfort you during this tough stuff. 


EMILY SIMPSON - Your boyfriend.

ELIZABETH - Hmmmm. Not ringing a bell.

GINA - The tall dude who always follows you around? 

ELIZABETH  - Oh, JIMMY. Yeah, he's a big comfort. 

KELLY DODD - Can we fucking get shitfaced yet?

GINA - I've got some bad news. There's no tequila allowed at this vow renewal.

KELLY - What is this, Footloose?!

GINA - That's about dancing.

KELLY  - It's the same thing! My freedom is being tread on. Like Rick always says, don't tread on me! 

GINA - Kelly, chill. 

KELLY - No! I need to be able to get plastered in my own very specific preferred way!

GINA - You can still get drunk, just not from the distilled beverage made from the blue agave plant.


EMILY - Ok, I'm actually kind of impressed she whipped that out.


GINA -  Listen, Kelly. What if we put some mezcal in a Mio bottle and you can squirt drops into your eyeballs when nobody's looking?

KELLY - **pacified** That's fine, I guess. 

Braunwyn and Sean renew their vows, officiated by drag queen Babette Schwartz...

BRAUNWYN - Dear Sean. On our first date, I promised to turn my vagina into a clown car. And you weren't scared.

SEAN - Dear Braunwyn. When you promised to turn your vagina into a clown car, I was scared. But I was also too scared to walk away, so here we are. 

BABETTE SCHWARTZ - Nice. Now let's wrap up this shit so we can get FUUUUUUUUCKED UP.

BRAUNWYN - Wait. We'd like to give the floor to our children. What could possibly go wrong? 

JACOB - Mom, would you still be with dad if he pulled a Jared from Subway and arranged meetings with young trafficked children at the Indianapolis Hilton?

BRAUNWYN - Ummmm...

JACOB - And Dad, would you still be with mom if she amputated your foot in your sleep?

SEAN - Uhhhhhh...

JACOB - And Mom, would you still be with dad if he murdered Hazel with the pointiest of bamboo necklaces - 

BRAUNWYN - Ok, that's enough. 

BABETTE SCHWARTZ - Hey, I'm into it. 

BRAUNWYN - You're really botching this.

BABETTE SCHWARTZ - Next time, offer a queen a few bucks. 

Kelly Dodd confronts Shannon Beador about her beverage brand at the vow renewal reception...

KELLY - I hear you're selling water now.

SHANNON - It's a tincture. A TINCTURE.

KELLY - Sounds like sphincter.

SHANNON - Perfect, because it was inspired by a visit to Doctor Moon.

JOHN, SHANNON'S BOYFRIEND - What's going on here?

SHANNON - John! Did you hear her? She's accusing me of making water!

JOHN - I mean, after five minutes with my magic hands, you usually do.

KELLY - I'm the most sexually graphic person in Southern California, and even I'm grossed out by that reference.

JOHN - Sorry. Just trying to fit in. **sulks away**


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