MAYIM BIALIK - Today, on Jeopardy, we'll be hearing from Attachment Parenting expert Apple Bohannan, and learning why allowing your husband to sleep in your bed with you more than twice a fiscal quarter leads to penis envy in your male-identifying children.
PRODUCER MICHAEL - Mayim, they gave Kelly Clarkson the talk show. Not you. This is Jeopardy.
MAYIM - Can't we at least let Apple bring out the rubber breast for the tween suckling demo?
PRODUCER MICHAEL - No.
MAYIM - Well, Michael is INSISTING that this is Jeopardy. Let's first meet Toby, who has been to 50 countries and 47 states.
TOBY - That's right. FUCK KENTUCKY, NEBRASKA AND CLEVELAND.
MAYIM - Some strong feelings about states there.
MEGAN - Cleveland is a city.
MAYIM - **laughs nervously** I know that! Don't you think I know that?
KETTY - I once swam with sharks.
MAYIM - It's already clear from that red peekaboo camisole that you're a risk-taker.
MEGAN - Slut shaming!
MAYIM - Leave it to "graying gracefully" over here to trot out the third wave platitudes.
MEGAN - **buzzes** Eustachian tube!
MAYIM - I hadn't asked a question yet, but since it reminds me of a funny co-sleeping story, I'll give it to you. You see, in 2009, my baby was -
PRODUCER MICHAEL - Mayim.
MAYIM - What, are you involved with Big Crib or something? Fine. Contestants, give me some horse idioms.
MEGAN - Riding bareback. Riding side saddle. Reverse cowgirl.
TOBY - Alright, alright, alright.
MAYIM - Down, Toby.
PRODUCER MICHAEL - Thank god for these socially distanced podiums.
MAYIM -Next, let's talk air travel. What's the difference between a layover and a stopover?
TOBY - With a layover you have two hours to wait in the airport bathroom with a "wide stance." With a stopover, you have four hours.
MAYIM - That is... not right. Serves me right for giving an open-ended question. Ketty, you've got a daily double! What is JoJo Siwa's sign?
KETTY - What is Capricorn?
MAYIM - EEEEEEHHHH. It's Taurus. Good luck facing your folks at home after that humiliation.
MEGAN - What's a JoJo Siwa?
MAYIM - WE GET IT, YOU HAVE GRAY HAIR.
PRODUCER MICHAEL - Mayim, Belgium is the next category, but don't forget what you promised.
MAYIM - That I would never attempt my flawless French accent in honor of my predecessor Alex Trebek unless the date on the calendar happenes to be June 20, 2022?
PRODUCER MICHAEL - You know what? Let's skip the Belgium catetory.
MAYIM - TV mashups! What do you get when you cross Phil Collins's daughter with Al Bundy's wife?
TOBY - Pegging Emily?
KETTY - This guy is starting to make me uncomfortable.
MAYIM - As someone whose son still asks for "mommy treats" despite having five o'clock shadow every morning, me too. Me too.
MEGAN - What are the chances that Final Jeopardy can be about Piracy? That was the subject of my PHD disseration.
MAYIM - I have one thing to say: ARRRRRRRGHHH NO.
KETTY - That doesn't even make -
MAYIM - I don't need your judgement, Nevada. Final Jeopardy is about British History.
KETTY - Yeah, like you said, I'm from Nevada.
MEGAN - Edward Teach? Pink Beard? Captain Jack Sparrow?
TOBY - FUCK CLEVELAND!
MAYIM - Whelp, looks like Megan won today with a whopping $491. Might even be able to fly home in a window seat with that.
No comments:
Post a Comment