Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Episode 18 - "Cold Shoulders


At Vicki's Winter Wonderland Party...

JUDY STIRLING - Vicki, your son was so rude to me for putting my feet on the couch that I might need to stuff five joints in my mouth at once. Lit joints.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Michael? All Michael ever does is lay around with his feet on the couch.

MICHAEL WOLFSMITH - Excuse me. I sometimes get up to use the toilet.

JUDY STIRLING - No, not Michael. The one with the crack in his forehead.

UNCLE BILLY - Oh, that asshole is named Ryan. I know it's probably wrong to say you hope your niece's husband dies, but I hope my niece's husband dies.

VICKI GUNVALSON - I'm so sorry, Judy. My house is about acceptance and love, especially for white people.

RYAN CULBERSON - Don't hug her, Vicki! I was sticking up for YOUR couch!

BRIANA CULBERSON WOLFSMITH GUNVALSON - Mom, you need to respect Ryan for what he was willing to go through for your furniture.

VICKI GUNVALSON - I'm just suggesting we all might need to cool off a bit...

RYAN CULBERSON - Maybe I should show the same level of disregard for your property, hmm? **pours lighter fluid all over the floor, lights a match**

VICKI GUNVALSON - Ok, I don't know if that's the same level of disregard.

RYAN CULBERSON  - BURN BABY BURN! **house burns down**

VICKI GUNVALSON - Ryan, was that really necessary?

BRIANA CULBERSON WOLFSMITH GUNVALSON - Mom, he was just trying to prove a point! Why are you always picking on him?

UNCLE BILLY - Briana, you ever consider that maybe this dude is just way too controlling? 

BRIANA CULBERSON WOLFSMITH GUNVALSON - WHAT?!?! All Ryan's ever done is push me into eloping with him and "accidentally" impregnate me soon thereafter, making it very difficult for me to ever get away. **thinks about it for a second** Oh.

Tamra approaches Alexis and Jim Bellino to make amends...

TAMRA BARNEY - I'm sorry I called you Jimmy "The Chin" Bellino. You're more than just your chin implant.

JIM BELLINO - Apology accepted. I guess you just need your man to keep you in line, just like I do for Alexis.

ALEXIS BELLINO - Yep. He sure does. When I wanted a bedazzled bible, he was like "honey, let's just go for real diamonds. What are we, poor?"

JIM BELLINO - That's right. And when she cried all over my $1,000 scarf, I told her to stop crying all over my $1,000 scarf.

ALEXIS BELLINO - Maybe someday Eddie will be able to impart this kind of invaluable wisdom on you, Tamra.

TAMRA BARNEY - Ok, nevermind. I can't with you two assholes. **walks away**

Vicki approaches Gretchen and Slade...

VICKI GUNVALSON - Slade, you have inspired me.

GRETCHEN ROSSI - He often has that effect on people. **shows small dildo she's attached to herself to model Slade**

VICKI GUNVALSON - Whoa. Um, my new vodka cocktail isn't that inspired, but the idea for the Bloody Piggy came to me after Slade crapped on my looks on his radio show.

SLADE SMILEY - I'm honored. **holds his glass up for a toast**

LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - Yeah, I think Vicki's being facetious, douche lord.

SLADE SMILEY - Douche lord? All I've ever done to you is say you look skinny and then talk about force-feeding you through a tube so you stop disgusting everybody!

VICKI GUNVALSON - Shut your mouth when you're talkin' about women's looks!

SLADE SMILEY - Then YOU shut your mouth about all the ill and destitute children I leave in my wake!

LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - You're dirty, you're dirty, you're dirty! **fight continues, until Heather approaches** 

HEATHER DUBROW - Hey, guys, can we steer this discussion back to Malibu Country and restore the peace? Please?


The End.

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