Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Bachelorette, Desiree Hartsock - The Finale

Bitch boys.

 At the rose ceremony...

CHRIS HARRISON - Gentleman, you'll notice Brooks has peaced. If you want my take on the matter, it had something to do with bunny teeth. **mimics a rabbit munching on a carrot** 

DESIREE HARTSOCKCan you not? I'm very sensitive about that.

CHRIS HARRISON - Sorry. I forgot your parents are poor. **gives her the roses to hand out**

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Guys, if you want to leave, please tell me now. I can't take the heartache again, even though my lukewarm feelings for the both of you pale in comparison to the hot, liquidy explosion I get in my loins for Brooks. At this point, it's really more of an ego thing.

CHRIS SIEGFRIED - I've been eighth-best my whole life. To be second-best would be an honor.

DREW KENNEY - And I've got a steamy side thing going on with the dude who rents out the banana boats, so I'd like to stick around, if that's ok.

On Drew's date...

DREW KENNEY -  I can't wait to meet your brother. Do you think he'll like me?

DESIREE HARTSOCK -  I think he'll use a tire iron to permanently disfigure your face.

DREW KENNEY -  But that's my secondary money-maker!

DESIREE HARTSOCK - What's your primary money-maker? Wait, you know what? I don't want know. Drew, you gotta go.

DREW KENNEY - First, my dad's an alcoholic. Then, my sister is handicapped. And now this.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - I'm so sorry. Sort of.

DREW KENNEY - You sure got a way of kicking a guy when he's down.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Hasn't your dad been sober for fifteen years?

DREW KENNEY - Des, you never get over the pain of parent's neglect. **starts to cry**

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Um... I think I hear Chris Harrison drawing my bath. **leaves**

 On Chris's date...

CHRIS SIEGFRIED  - So I know it's down to just two guys.


CHRIS SIEGFRIED  - And I really got to pull out all the stops, because I'm not the only dude left.


CHRIS SIEGFRIED -  Me and Drew, fighting to the death for your heart.


CHRIS SIEGFRIED - I prepared a pleather-bound journal for you. It's got poems, detailing all of your virtues. Especially your honesty and openness.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Yuh huh. **sees Drew paddle off in the sunset from the window** FYI, Drew gave me a cankle massage on our date, so the bar is set pretty high if you want to beat him.

CHRIS SIEGFRIED - Sure, of course! Whatever he does, I'll do better so I can win this thing! **rubs her cankle**

DESIREE HARTSOCK - **relaxes** Honesty and openness. That's me in a nutshell.

Chris meets Desiree's family...

DESIREE HARTSOCK  - Chris, meet my parents. They are poor.

DESIREE'S DAD -  Hello, nice to -

NATE HARTSOCK, DESIREE'S BROTHER - Mom, Dad, I'll do all the grilling here. It's the least I can do after you bought me this sailor shirt.

DESIREE'S MOM - Nate, we'd like to get to know Chris, too.

NATE HARTSOCK - **in a low voice** So help me God, I will fucking relapse in a hot minute if you don't let me do what I want, and Intervention went off the air.

DESIREE'S DAD - Ok, ok, you lead.

NATE HARTSOCK  - Chris, what did you first notice about Des?

CHRIS SIEGFRIED - Round ass, good teeth for tip-nibblin'.

NATE HARTSOCK  - My kind of bro. Welcome to the family.

Chris meets Des for the final rose ceremony...

CHRIS SIEGFRIED  - Desiree A. Hartsock, **gets down on one knee** Will you - 

DESIREE HARTSOCK  - No, no, stay up here.

CHRIS SIEGFRIED  - Oh god, this is a flashback to all the bad oral sex I gave in college.

DESIREE HARTSOCK  - Chris, you weren't the first pick of the Chicago Cubs.


DESIREE HARTSOCK - And your dad seemed to have no interest in you taking over the family chiropractic business.

CHRIS SIEGFRIED - He's certainly never mentioned it.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - And your neck is impossibly thin.

CHRIS SIEGFRIED - Ok, THAT I never knew.

DESIREE HARTSOCK- So I want you to know that if being a bitch boy is the thing for you, I can help. Forever.

CHRIS SIEGFRIED - You really mean it?

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Um... **catches a glimpse of her bunny teeth in the ring's reflection, realizes Brooks is never coming back** YES! YES I DO!

CHRIS SIEGFRIED - Oh, Des. You've made me the happiest bitch boy in the world! **they kiss*


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