Thursday, August 8, 2013

Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Episode 7 - "Mike & Kristen"

Nev and Max wake up at the hotel in San Francisco...

NEV SCHULMAN - Where are my green panties? The one with the hearts on the waistband? I NEED MY GREEN PANTIES WITH THE HEARTS ON THE WAISTBAND!

MAX JOSEPH**filming** We're rolling.

NEV SCHULMAN -  Oh. **calmly** This next email is from Mike in Sterling Heights, MI.

MAX JOSEPH -  Please God don't make us go back to Michigan.

NEV SCHULMAN - He has an online relationship with Kristen, who's a seven.

MAX JOSEPH  - In Michigan, a seven's a ten.

NEV SCHULMAN - There's more. **reads** "I send her full frontal pics on the daily."

MAX JOSEPH - On the daily? There are days I forget I even have a penis.

NEV SCHULMAN - Max, pack up your 1997 camcorder. We're headed to Michigan.

Nevax visit Mike's house in Sterling Heights...

NEV SCHULMAN - You own this whole house?

MIKE - Yep. Believe it or not, real estate is cheap in places nobody wants to live.

MAX JOSEPH - Nice Crosses. That are everywhere.

MIKE - Yep. I'm pretty into Christ.

NEV SCHULMAN -  But do you practice pre-marital sex?

MAX JOSEPH -  Sure, I practice with a tube sock. Toilet paper roll on laundry day.

NEV SCHULMAN - Um, why don't you tell us about Kristen?

MIKE - She's got a glass eye and lives a block away. But for someone with a glass eye, she's sure got an active social life. She never has time to see me!

NEV SCHULMAN - Have you ever entertained the  possibility that she's not who she says she is?

MIKE - No! I trust people on the internet 100%! I'm from the Midwest!

MAX JOSEPH - Funny, before today I didn't even know they had internet in the Midwest.

Nevax sits down to do some research...

NEV SCHULMAN - Let's call this Kristen person's beauty school. **dials**

BEAUTY SCHOOL REGISTRAR - Hello, this is Come in a 2, Leave a 4 Beauty School. How may I help you?

NEV SCHULMAN- Do you have someone named Kristen there?

BEAUTY SCHOOL REGISTRAR - Yes, we do! She has a glass eye, lives in St. Clair, rides horse, had a car accident, loves babies and surprises -

MAX JOSEPH- Whoa, lady. Save some  research for us.

BEAUTY SCHOOL REGISTRAR - Sorry. I got excited.

NEV SCHULMAN - **hangs up** Well, the only thing left for us to do is check her high school yearbook to see if she's fat. **they look up her pic in her year book**

MAX JOSEPH - Mystery solved.

In car, after Nevax reveal to Mike what they've learned about Kristen...

MIKE - You people, finding out truths! In Michigan, we leave well enough alone!

MAX JOSEPH - You emailed us, remember?

MIKE - Oh yeah. **they walk up to the house**

KRISTYN HILLOCK - **walks down steps** Hi.

MIKE - You lied! You're not a seven!

KRISTYN HILLOCK  - In Saint Clair, I am. And look - I really have a glass eye!

MIKE - Sorry. I could swing bringing a glass-eye chick around my bro-bros if she was hot, but this just won't cut it.

NEV SCHULMAN - What about your connection? Does any of that matter to you?

MIKE - Lemme think about it. No.

KRISTYN HILLOCK   - FYI, I was ready to kill myself until I saw your full frontal pic. Just know that.

MIKE - Goodbye.

KRISTYN HILLOCK  - Don't say goodbye. Say "See you later."

MIKE - Um... Goodbye. **deletes her number from his phone**

NEV SCHULMAN- Ouch. That smarts.

KRISTYN HILLOCK  - It's ok. I still got my eye to keep me company. **pops it out**

MAX JOSEPH - Please put it back in.


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