Thursday, August 8, 2013
Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Episode 7 - "Mike & Kristen"
Nev and Max wake up at the hotel in San Francisco...
NEV SCHULMAN - Where are my green panties? The one with the hearts on the waistband? I NEED MY GREEN PANTIES WITH THE HEARTS ON THE WAISTBAND!
MAX JOSEPH - **filming** We're rolling.
NEV SCHULMAN - Oh. **calmly** This next email is from Mike in Sterling Heights, MI.
MAX JOSEPH - Please God don't make us go back to Michigan.
NEV SCHULMAN - He has an online relationship with Kristen, who's a seven.
MAX JOSEPH - In Michigan, a seven's a ten.
NEV SCHULMAN - There's more. **reads** "I send her full frontal pics on the daily."
MAX JOSEPH - On the daily? There are days I forget I even have a penis.
NEV SCHULMAN - Max, pack up your 1997 camcorder. We're headed to Michigan.
Nevax visit Mike's house in Sterling Heights...
NEV SCHULMAN - You own this whole house?
MIKE - Yep. Believe it or not, real estate is cheap in places nobody wants to live.
MAX JOSEPH - Nice Crosses. That are everywhere.
MIKE - Yep. I'm pretty into Christ.
NEV SCHULMAN - But do you practice pre-marital sex?
MAX JOSEPH - Sure, I practice with a tube sock. Toilet paper roll on laundry day.
NEV SCHULMAN - Um, why don't you tell us about Kristen?
MIKE - She's got a glass eye and lives a block away. But for someone with a glass eye, she's sure got an active social life. She never has time to see me!
NEV SCHULMAN - Have you ever entertained the possibility that she's not who she says she is?
MIKE - No! I trust people on the internet 100%! I'm from the Midwest!
MAX JOSEPH - Funny, before today I didn't even know they had internet in the Midwest.
Nevax sits down to do some research...
NEV SCHULMAN - Let's call this Kristen person's beauty school. **dials**
BEAUTY SCHOOL REGISTRAR - Hello, this is Come in a 2, Leave a 4 Beauty School. How may I help you?
NEV SCHULMAN- Do you have someone named Kristen there?
BEAUTY SCHOOL REGISTRAR - Yes, we do! She has a glass eye, lives in St. Clair, rides horse, had a car accident, loves babies and surprises -
MAX JOSEPH- Whoa, lady. Save some research for us.
BEAUTY SCHOOL REGISTRAR - Sorry. I got excited.
NEV SCHULMAN - **hangs up** Well, the only thing left for us to do is check her high school yearbook to see if she's fat. **they look up her pic in her year book**
MAX JOSEPH - Mystery solved.
In car, after Nevax reveal to Mike what they've learned about Kristen...
MIKE - You people, finding out truths! In Michigan, we leave well enough alone!
MAX JOSEPH - You emailed us, remember?
MIKE - Oh yeah. **they walk up to the house**
KRISTYN HILLOCK - **walks down steps** Hi.
MIKE - You lied! You're not a seven!
KRISTYN HILLOCK - In Saint Clair, I am. And look - I really have a glass eye!
MIKE - Sorry. I could swing bringing a glass-eye chick around my bro-bros if she was hot, but this just won't cut it.
NEV SCHULMAN - What about your connection? Does any of that matter to you?
MIKE - Lemme think about it. No.
KRISTYN HILLOCK - FYI, I was ready to kill myself until I saw your full frontal pic. Just know that.
MIKE - Goodbye.
KRISTYN HILLOCK - Don't say goodbye. Say "See you later."
MIKE - Um... Goodbye. **deletes her number from his phone**
NEV SCHULMAN- Ouch. That smarts.
KRISTYN HILLOCK - It's ok. I still got my eye to keep me company. **pops it out**
MAX JOSEPH - Please put it back in.