Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Episode 5 - "I Couldn't Chair Less"

Tamra Judge.

At CUT Fitness...

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - You don't expect to test out Bosu Balls for the rest of your life, do you?

RYAN VIETH - That's a very important task. Somebody could get hurt. 

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - But what about your plans for the future?

RYAN VIETH - Mom, I don't think about the future. I live in the moment, as you can see by my inner-lip tattoo.

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - I lived in the moment, and now I've had a shark-faced drain on my finances for the past 24 years.

RYAN VIETH - To what are you referring?

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - Nothing. Just go clean the pubes out of the drinking fountain.

Heather plans her groundbreaking party with a planner...

HEATHER DUBROW - I'm thinking this spot is where we'll play Pin the Ugly Purse on the Gretchen.


HEATHER DUBROW -  And over here will be where the kids can inject themselves with various fillers.


HEATHER DUBROW - Oh, and we'll definitely need a champagne dunk tank with no way out.

PARTY PLANNER - Champs. Of course.

HEATHER DUBROW - This is where we'll put the onion ring station.

PARTY PLANNER - Onion ring station? As a party planner, that's where I must draw the line.

HEATHER DUBROW - Good. That one was Terry's request.

 Shannon hangs ornaments with her family...

DAVID BEADOR - This one's broke.

SHANNON BEADOR - It's broken, you fucking retardo.

DAUGHTER #1 - Yeah, dumbass.

DAUGHTER #2 - Stupid blue-collar face.

DAVID BEADOR -  Maybe I'll go untangle the lights in the garage.

SHANNON BEADOR - Don't forget to turn on the engine.

DAUGHTER #1 - Good one, mom.


The ladies ride in a limo...

VICKI GUNVALSON - So what do you do, Telly or Agnes or whatever the fuck your name is?

LIZZIE ROVSEK - It's Lizzie.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Close enough.

LIZZIE ROVSEK - I was in pageants.


LIZZIE ROVSEK - Well, what do you do?

VICKI GUNVALSON - I got MARRIED when I was 20. Then raised KIDS for 10 years. Then WORKED. I WORKED!!!!!!!!!! 

LIZZIE ROVSEK - **to Tamra** Why is she yelling? Does she have a problem with me or something?

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - Vicki's just very passionate about the concept of completing tasks and getting paid for completing those tasks.

 At Javier's...

HEATHER DUBROW - Let's have the down-to-earth, classy brunettes spread evenly amongst the trashy blonde whores.

VICKI GUNVALSON - I don't think so. Move it, Ass Stick.

SHANNON BEADOR - When in a Mexican chain restaurant... **takes Heather's seat**

HEATHER DUBROW - Shannon, you took my seat.

SHANNON BEADOR - I just took it because Vicki told me to, and I've had an irrational fear of her since I watched Saw.

HEATHER DUBROW - You're scaring me right now. Your anger is scaring me.

SHANNON BEADOR - Don't be scared. We live in the same neighborhood full of white people.

HEATHER DUBROW - No, we don't.

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - Ooooh, she just went there.

VICKI GUNVALSON -  Why don't we all take tequila shots to lighten the mood and enable us to piss our beds later in the evening? **orders five shots**

LIZZIE ROVSEK - Hey, where's my shot?

VICKI GUNVALSON - Oh, whoops. The waiter must have thought you worked here because you look so ethnic. 


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