Friday, May 9, 2014

The Challenge: Free Agents Recap, Episode 5 - "Stripes"

Free Agents.

 In Uruguay...

TJ LAVIN - Hey, guys. Today you're going to be blah blah blah everybody tunes out during this part anyway and then crossing to the other side.

JONNA MANNION - What if you have the upper-arm strength of a salmon?

TJ LAVIN - Then prepare to get a flesh-eating bacteria from the still waters that run beneath. Johnny and Camila, pick your teams.

CAMILA NAKAGAWA - **an hour later, Camila has last pick** I'll take Swift. He's slightly less gay than Preston.

TJ LAVIN - And that leaves the yellow team to be saddled with Preston.

PRESTON-ROBERSON CHARLES - Come the fuck on! Jonna said she has the upper-arm strength of a salmon!

JOHNNY BANANAS - Yeah, but she's, like, a hot salmon. Sorry, dude. **purple team wins** 

At the selection ceremony...

ZACH NICHOLS - I vote Laurel.

LAUREL STUCKEY - Look me in the eye.

ZACH NICHOLS - I'd rather not. The last time I made eye contact with something that resembles a squirrel I got a mild form of rabies.

JORDAN WISELEY - I vote Bananas. Time to earn your stripes, bro.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Ex-fucking-cuse me? I've been on reality television since before you were malformed in the womb! 

JORDAN WISELEY - Oh, a hand joke? How original.

JOHNNY BANANAS - The only original thing you've done is fail at three challenges in a row. Not even Preston has done that.


Devyn approaches Laurel about Theresa...

DEVYN SIMONE - Theresa may have voted for Tiny Naughty School Girl, but she asked us all to vote for you.

TJ LAVIN - Oh yeah? Well, she's going to have to answer to ME.

DEVYN SIMONE - I like that you and Jordan have somehow convinced yourselves that you're HBICs this season. It's cute, really. 

At The Draw, Jasmine pulls kill card....

JASMINE REYNAUD - Oh shit oh shit oh shit. 

LAUREL STUCKEY -**rubs Jasmine's back** There there. It's going to be alright.

JASMINE REYNAUD - Is this like when a mother cat lets the runt have one last suckle before eating it alive?

LAUREL STUCKEY - Hmmmm. I suppose it is. **handles Jasmine like an infant, wins**

Isaac pulls the kill card...

JORDAN WISELEY - C'mon, Isaac. Don't make me feel like I put on a leather jacket for nothing.

ISAAC STOUT - It's all good. We had a dodge ball league at my synagogue.  **does a horrible job**

JORDAN WISELEY - Angle it and rub it sideways, Isaac!


JORDAN WISELEY - Just some Oklahoma talk to inspire you.

JOHNNY BANANAS - This is easier than Jonna.  **wins, yells up at Jordan** How do you like them stripes?

JORDAN WISELEY - Try going up against someone who isn't a Cro-Magnan, and then we'll talk.

JOHNNY BANANAS - You may be missing a hand, but you'll wish you were missing two hands when I cut off your head, or something. 

JORDAN WISELEY - That was a very poorly-formed threat.

JOHNNY BANANAS - I've had better, I'll admit.


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