Thursday, May 8, 2014

Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Episode 1 - "Craig and Zoe"


After Skyping with Craig...

NEV SCHULMAN - Max, pack your Just For Men. We're going to Pittsburgh.

MAX JOSEPH - God dammit. Why doesn't anyone stupid enough to fall for an internet hoax ever live in the Bahamas?

In Pittsburgh...

CRAIG -  Hi, I'm Craig. I have Drake eyebrows.

NEV SCHULMAN - I want your hot love and emotion. Desperately.

CRAIG - I don't swing that way, man. I have a girlfriend.

MAX JOSEPH - And I saw Tupac at 7-11.

NEV SCHULMAN - Max, save the open mocking for later.

CRAIG - Yeah. My dad had AIDS.

MAX JOSEPH - Sorry. So tell us about Zoe.  

CRAIG - She's cool when she's not destroying the lives of the innocent.  

MAX JOSEPH - Please tell me that this Zoe person lives somewhere that doesn't suck.

CRAIG - Jacksonville, Florida.

MAX JOSEPH - I'll take what I can get.

They meet Craig's sister Miriah in Jacksonville...

NEV SCHULMAN - You seem to lead quite a glamorous life here in Jacksonville.

MIRIAH - Yep. Don't trip over the dog shit on the living room floor.

At a diner...

KAYLN - I'm Kayln. I've taken naked pictures of myself.

NEV SCHULMAN - Yeah. We saw.

KAYLN - What'd you think? Er, I mean, I feel so VIOLATED! 

MAX JOSEPH  - Craig, do you really want to be with someone who posts very hot, sexual and alluring nude selfies of your friends on Facebook? **winks at Kayln, she winks back**

CRAIG - **starts to cry** My sweet angel!  I thought she was different.

NEV SCHULMAN - Even Drakes aren't immune from a Medusa's scorn.

MAX JOSEPH  - Gettin' mythological up in here, eh?

NEV SCHULMAN-  Interviewing dumb teenagers gets boring.

CRAIG - Excuse me. I'm 20.

Max and Nev sit down to research...

NEV SCHULMAN - Time for some deep diving.

MAX JOSEPH - Last time I said that, I ended up with Herpes Labialis.

NEV SCHULMAN - A reverse phone number search leads to this sad middle-aged lady at a football game.

MAX JOSEPH - Not fat enough to be a Catfish.

NEV SCHULMAN - But look who's sitting behind her!

MAX JOSEPH - **sees fat person** Our work is done.

Max, Nev and Craig pull up in Cassandra's driveway...

MAX JOSEPH - Don't be sad, bro. At least it's not a dude.

CASSANDRA RAZMUS - **exits her car with Wendy's, singing** Can't wait to eat this fuckin' Baconator in my underwear, oh yeah oh yeah....


CASSANDRA RAZMUS - AH! Well, I just shit my pants. The positive is that there's more room for this Baconator.

CRAIG - I think I'm going to be sick.

MAX JOSEPH - Do you realize you've ruined the lives of, like, seven people?

CASSANDRA RAZMUS - It's not like any of them had much going for them anyway.

MAX JOSEPH - That's probably true.

They meet with Cassandra the next day...

NEV SCHULMAN - I hope you have a good sob story lined up.

CASSANDRA RAZMUS - You didn't really give me much time to prepare. **looks longingly at Baconator** I'm coming for you, sweetheart.

MAX JOSEPH - So let me guess. You were bullied in school, tried to kill yourself, and you got fired at Big Lots and now have a lot of time on your hands.

CASSANDRA RAZMUS - Bingo. Except I quit the job at Big Lots. Don't get it twisted.

NEV SCHULMAN - Craig, do you forgive Cassandra?

CRAIG - I mean, it wasn't my naked pictures splashed over the Internet...

MAX JOSEPH - Thank god for that.

CRAIG - Rude.


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