Wednesday, May 7, 2014

The Real Housewives of New York CIty Recap, Episode 9 - "The Last Splash"


Kristen Taekman



Carole meets with "friends" in Los Angeles...

CAROLE RADZIWILL - Hey girls! Ready to drink mimosas and talk about DATING? Brunch! Sex! Shoes!

YOUNG PERSON I - Oh, definitely!

YOUNG PERSON II - **whispers** Why does this weird chick in her fifties keep hanging out with us?

YOUNG PERSON I -  She's cool. She's friends with my grandpa.




Sonja visits Josh and Kristen's rental apartment...

SONJA MORGAN - Oh. Your place is so... downtown.

JOSH TAEKMAN - I invited you here to talk about your business plan.

SONJA MORGAN - It's simple. Buy Nigerian Football Team, have sex with players on Nigerian Football Team.

JOSH TAEKMAN - What happened to the toaster?

SONJA MORGAN - You can't fuck a toaster, Josh. 

JOSH TAEKMAN - Well, you've certainly got me there.





Heather invites the couples to dinner...

HEATHER THOMSON - I want to invite you ladies on a weekend getaway.

MARIO SINGER - You mean my wife will be gone and I can fuck my mistress all weekend? SWEET!

RAMONA SINGER - **glares**

MARIO SINGER -  Kidding. Maybe we'll do it for an hour, tops.

HEATHER THOMSON  - It's in the Berkshires.

RAMONA SINGER - Oh god, if anyone there tells me I have a pretty mouth...

HEATHER THOMSON - I don't think there's much of a risk of anyone ever saying that to you.

JOSH TAEKMAN - I met with Sonja this week. She lacks focus, and might have a developmental disorder of some kind.

RAMONA SINGER -That's not nice.

COUNTESS LUANN - Didn't you have the exact same conversation with her last week?

RAMONA'S GUSBAND (GAY HUSBAND) - You can't talk to her like that!

HEATHER THOMSON  - Who the fuck ARE you?

MARIO SINGER -  Hey, somebody's got to keep her busy while  I'm fucking my mistress for hours.

RAMONA SINGER - **glares**

MARIO SINGER - Kidding. Like ten minutes, tops.




In the Berkshires...

RAMONA SINGER -  I must admit, this garage is much nicer than the one Sonja lives next to.

HEATHER THOMSON  - And for that, you'll be sleeping in the room with the creepy dolls.

SONJA MORGAN - **hears doorbell** Oh! The air conditioner is here!

RAMONA SINGER -  Hello, UPS driver. Please install the unit upstairs.

UPS DRIVER - I don't do installations. I'm just a driver.

SONJA MORGAN - We'll show you our pussies.

UPS DRIVER - Where do you want it?



 Ramona and Sonja canoe on the lake while Kristen eavesdrops...

RAMONA SINGER - And then Josh starting making fun of you, and even Linebacker Lu was laughing.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - **pops out from under boat** Surprise! **splashes her** 

RAMONA SINGER - We got blowouts, bitch! **throws glass**

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - OH, MY NOSE! Er, MY LIP!

COUNTESS LUANN - Don't worry, I used to be a nurse before I married an old man for his money.

CAROLE RADZIWILL - I'm so over this. I'm diving into the water where I can "be cool." And yes, that was a double meaning.

RAMONA SINGER - Whoops. 

HEATHER THOMSON - Look what you did, you little jerk.

RAMONA SINGER -  Whatever. The scar will make her more relatable to people in Milwaukee.

To be continued...

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