Jax's mom pays him a visit...
JAX TAYLOR - This is your first time in LA!
MARIE CAUCHI, JAX'S MOM - Second.
JAX TAYLOR - I meant besides the time you flew here to co-sign for my Hyundai Sonata and then I kicked you out so I could get a BJ from a dental assistant.
MARIE CAUCHI - I hope it was worth it.
JAX TAYLOR - Eh, kind of toothy. Get it?!? **leads his mother into his apartment**
MARIE CAUCHI - It doesn't smell as much like bloody mucus in here as I thought it would. I'm impressed.
JAX TAYLOR - Thank you. **starts pointing out his furniture** Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel, Restoration Hardware.
MARIE CAUCHI - Did Lisa give you a raise or something?
JAX TAYLOR - Um... not exaaaactly...
MARIE CAUCHI - So I'll be back in LA to bail you out of jail before I'm sent home on a MegaBus.
JAX TAYLOR - They have power outlets to charge your phone now!
Jax and his mom greet Scheana and her mom at Villa Blanca...
SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Hiiiiiyyyyy!!!
ERICA, SCHEANA'S MOM - Hiiiiiyyyyy!!!
LISA VANDERPUMP - Clearly, she got it from her mama. And by "it", I mean the screech of a lady frog in heat.
SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Frogs are amphibians. They don't go into heat.
LISA VANDERPUMP - Oh, look! Scheana knows something other than which french-cut American Apparel leotards will best stay out from between her labia.
JAX TAYLOR - Lisa, I'd like to introduce you to my mother.
LISA VANDERPUMP - Ah, finally I get to meet a woman Jax hasn't seen without her knickers.
**Uncomfortable silence**
LISA VANDERPUMP - Oh, EW.
MARIE CAUCHI - **shrugs** We're a naked family.
MARIE CAUCHI - **shrugs** We're a naked family.
At Scheana's decade-themed birthday party, Ken and Lisa confront Tom S...
KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - If you disrespect my wife one more time, I'll shake my hair over your soup.
TOM SANDOVAL - Oh, I see how it is. I have to put my dreams on hold to make your dreams come true.
LISA VANDERPUMP - Look at James. He manages to do both.
JAMES KENNEDY - **from DJ booth** Yo yo yo, it's DJ Beemer making all the ladies super wet! Or as wet as much as a British dude possibly can! **pours Fireball down his throat**
LISA VANDERPUMP - Well, at least he's punctual.
Kristen arrives at the party...
SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - It's my first birthday party after my WEDDING. You can't make a scene.
KRISTEN DOUTE - I won't. I even opted out of a costume and wore this tasteful romper instead.
SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Thank you. Sometimes I feel like nobody even cares that I had a WEDDING. It's like, hello? I'm MARRIED.
KRISTEN DOUTE - Where's Shay?
SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Dunno. ** drops down and makes her booty clap**
On the balcony...
TOM SANDOVAL - Any time I want to take a vacation from not showing up at work, I just look into your eyes.
ARIANA MADIX - I'm DONE with Scheana. If she can't hate the same people I hate, she can eat a fat dee.
TOM SANDOVAL - It's, like, when the real world of sleeping until 3 pm gets rough, I can go on vacation. Just by being with you.
ARIANA MADIX - I dressed like fucking VELMA for her birthday. Velma's the UGLY one!
TOM SANDOVAL - In fact, I'm so in vacation-mode that I'm going to jump into the pool with twelve pounds of skates tied to my feet. **jumps in the pool, drowns**
ARIANA MADIX - I mean, is it that hard to say "No, Wet Giraffe, you CAN'T come to my birthday party!" Is it???
**no answer**
ARIANA MADIX - No, it's not.
THE END.
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