Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Vanderpump Rules, Seasons 4, Episode 1 - "Playtime's Over"

Jax's mom pays him a visit...

JAX TAYLOR - This is your first time in LA!


JAX TAYLOR - I meant besides the time you flew here to co-sign for my Hyundai Sonata and then I kicked you out so I could get a BJ from a dental assistant. 

MARIE CAUCHI -  I hope it was worth it. 

JAX TAYLOR - Eh, kind of toothy. Get it?!? **leads his mother into his apartment**

MARIE CAUCHI  - It doesn't smell as much like bloody mucus in here as I thought it would. I'm impressed.

JAX TAYLOR - Thank you. **starts pointing out his furniture**  Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel, Restoration Hardware. 

MARIE CAUCHI Did Lisa give you a raise or something? 

JAX TAYLOR - Um... not exaaaactly...

MARIE CAUCHI - So I'll be back in LA to bail you out of jail before I'm sent home on a MegaBus. 

JAX TAYLOR -  They have power outlets to charge your phone now!

Jax and his mom greet Scheana and her mom at Villa Blanca...

SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Hiiiiiyyyyy!!!  

ERICA, SCHEANA'S MOM - Hiiiiiyyyyy!!!  

LISA VANDERPUMP - Clearly, she got it from her mama. And by "it", I mean the screech of a lady frog in heat. 

SCHEANA MARIE SHAYFrogs are amphibians. They don't go into heat. 

LISA VANDERPUMP -  Oh, look! Scheana knows something other than which french-cut American Apparel leotards will best stay out from between her labia. 

JAX TAYLOR - Lisa, I'd like to introduce you to my mother. 

LISA VANDERPUMP Ah, finally I get to meet a woman Jax hasn't seen without her knickers. 

**Uncomfortable silence**  


MARIE CAUCHI - **shrugs** We're a naked family. 

At Scheana's decade-themed birthday party, Ken and Lisa confront Tom S...

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - If you disrespect my wife one more time, I'll shake my hair over your soup.  

TOM SANDOVAL - Oh, I see how it is.  I have to put my dreams on hold to make your dreams come true.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Look at James. He manages to do both.

JAMES  KENNEDY - **from DJ booth** Yo yo yo, it's  DJ Beemer making all the ladies super wet! Or as wet as much as a British dude possibly can! **pours Fireball down his throat**  

LISA VANDERPUMP Well, at least he's punctual.

Kristen arrives at the party...

SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - It's my first birthday party after my WEDDING. You can't make a scene.  

KRISTEN DOUTE - I won't. I even opted out of a costume and wore this tasteful romper instead.

SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Thank you. Sometimes I feel like nobody even cares that I had a WEDDING. It's like, hello? I'm MARRIED. 

KRISTEN DOUTE - Where's Shay?

SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Dunno. ** drops down and makes her booty clap**

On the balcony...

TOM SANDOVAL - Any time I want to take a vacation from not showing up at work, I just look into your eyes. 

ARIANA MADIX -  I'm  DONE with Scheana. If she can't hate the same people I hate, she can eat a fat dee. 

TOM SANDOVAL - It's, like, when the real world of sleeping until 3 pm gets rough, I can go on vacation. Just by being with you. 

ARIANA MADIX - I dressed like fucking VELMA for her birthday. Velma's the UGLY one! 

TOM SANDOVAL - In fact, I'm so in vacation-mode that I'm going to jump into the pool with twelve pounds of skates tied to my feet. **jumps in the pool, drowns**

ARIANA MADIX - I mean, is it that hard to say "No, Wet Giraffe, you CAN'T come to my birthday party!" Is it???

**no answer**

ARIANA MADIX - No, it's not. 



  1. haha! Loved it! Still wondering what ole Ken actually thinks he can do to Tom though....

  2. haha! Loved it! Still wondering what ole Ken actually thinks he can do to Tom though....


web statistics
Wall Street Journal